Less clean jokes: adults only

[Hugo]

IT'S STARTED!!

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two jocks in the bar.
They told the divers to sod off as they are on an all inclusive & have got 3 days left!
 
 
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky reporter said "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court".
I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off!
 
 
Popped in a Costa's for a coffee today and when asked how I would like it, I said "on the rocks please".
Apparently you can't get a Costa like that despite what's been seen on TV!
 
 
Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners.
Apparently "Dancing On The Ceiling" does not have the same appeal anymore!
 
 
George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner
saying "I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising!
 
 
Paddy & Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight".
Murphy says "Everyone will be watching the band".
Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight".
Murphy says "I definitely heard some fucker say "a band on ship"!
 

[Hugo]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?'  asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.


'Oh, I'm sorry,'  says the cop, 'I  didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
 
 
 
 

[Hugo]

Just  been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
half an hour and started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
everything – Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was still
going.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain
should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the
Giro.

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life. I've just
seen the trailer.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. “I've been ringing 08001730 for
2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone?”  Girl behind the
counter points out those are the opening times.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs
back.

[Hugo]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life.  She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.  At strategic moments she
uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are
you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the
sofa.

He never heard the gunshot.
 
 
 

[Hugo]

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day

Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view'

Isn't the best way to announce number 69


 
I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies

She'll have a fit when she finds out


 
Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool......

Couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days


 
Harry Redknapp says he'll only do the England job for the Euro's

As long as they are used and untraceable


 
Tottenham Hotspurs 2nd team have returned to normal training

Now they have finished their jury service


 
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take

a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag. Extra clothing including a scarf, hat and gloves

24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, safety

triangle, tow rope,  petrol can, first aid kit, jump leads

I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning


 
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,

A French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided

If she can't hold down a job, she's not for him


 
A sexy black woman in the pub last night said

'You fancy walking me home big boy?'

I said 'get lost, Africa's 5617 miles away

[Fester]

Some great ones there Hugo.... and some new ones too.

[Ian]

Excellent, Hugo :-))

[Bri Roberts]

Confucius did NOT say...
 
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally, Confucius DID say...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

 
 
 
 

[Hugo]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would
be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
 
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges
may vary).
 
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
 
 
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but
I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
beer belly.

 

[DaveR]

I'm sure Fester said he was going to update us all with his latest selection of Jimmy Saville jokes...

[Mikethewatch]

Fresh allegations....

[DaveR]

    

[SDQ]

I'm sure Fester said he was going to update us all with his latest selection of Jimmy Saville jokes...

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

Aged 14? Itchy fanny? You need Savile-on!

FOR SALE:-
Nearly new headstone, hardly used. Just need's a bit of touching up... Contact:-
howzaboutthatthen.com

When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end?
Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied "that was Jimmy Savile"

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

What's brown, about 10 inches long, stinks & you would not want to find it on your kids bedroom carpet?
Jimmy Savile's Cigar!

JJB are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits.. They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.

I will not hear a bad word said about Jimmy Savile.
He fixed it for me to go camping with Gary Glitter!

Susan Boyle has returned her Jim'll Fix It badge out of total disgust at the way she was treated by him after appearing in his show, he never laid a hand on her.

[DaveR]

     

[Mikethewatch]

You can say what you like about Jimmy Savile, at least he slowed down when he drove past a school!