Less clean jokes: adults only

[Pendragon]

Hehe Ludo your name comes from the old joke about having a tattoo on your nether regions and when erect spells "Llandudno" well my Hubby has "Hy" tattooed on his and when erect it spells
"Hello welcome to Wales hope you had a nice holiday" 

[Yorkie]

And I suppose you need a microscope to read such small writing!    L0L

[Pendragon]

And I suppose you need a microscope to read such small writing!    L0L

Yorkie I'm sat here giggling away fair play that was a good answer 

[Ian]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by
a young woman with three small children running around at her
feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a
child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,
we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in
what manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts
it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[Hugo]

 

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' 


The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.' 


'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 


'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'


'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'


'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
 
 
 
 

[Hugo]

 
1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist silly billies. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".


4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the A*** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.


 
 
 
 

[Yorkie]

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.   One boy said, "My father is better than your father."   The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."   The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

~~~~~~

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"   The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."   "Forget it, man - you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

~~~~~~~~~~
A raging storm was pounding a passenger plane.   The terrified passengers screamed certain of their imminent death.   A young women jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this!, I won't die like an animal, strapped into a chair.  If I must perish let me die feeling like a woman.  Who here is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"   A strapping, handsome young man arose, smiled, and made his way toward her.   As he approached, he tore off his shirt, his huge muscles rippling dramatically in the flashes of lightning.  He stood before her, shirt in hand, and said ...      "HERE, IRON THIS!"

[Hugo]

 
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

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Why men shouldn’t be Agony Aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.  I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.  They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.  Can you help me…I’m desperate.
 
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

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Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered MacDonald’s serve breakfast until 11.30.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

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Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s burning my bum”.

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You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

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News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Fester]

I get sent a lot of jokes Hugo, but there was some great original ones there!   L0L L0L

[Ian]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they DO make me look a bit gay.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "What makes you think so?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He answered, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
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[snowcap]

> A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
> tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had
> the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes.  The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"  The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.  So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out?
 Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Remember to smile at people . . . they will think you are up to something .

[Yorkie]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that
he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1.It had
never been occupied; 2. There was plenty of heat; 3. It was small enough
to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too
large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

[Yorkie]

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[Ian]

Subject: Pure Logic


 Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

 The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

 Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

 Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

 Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

 On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

 Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
 Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

 Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

 Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

 Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

 Pat: - Er ... mmm ......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

 Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

 Pat: - It's in a pond!

 Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

 Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

 Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you  have a large garden then you have a large house?

 Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

 Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

 Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

 Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

 Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

 Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

 Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

 Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

 Pat: - How's that then?

 Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

 Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

 Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

 Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

 Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

 Seamus: - What's that then?

 Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

 Seamus: - Nope

 Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

[Ian]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's alright, it's only golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"