Less clean jokes: adults only

[Scott]

A flat chested woman goes to see Dr Smith about enlarging her breasts.
He tells her -Every day after your shower rub your chest & say 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
She does this for several months and it works- she grows terrific D cup boobs.
One day she gets on the bus, the driver looks at her & says 'You look amazing, are you a patient of Dr Smith?'
She says 'Yes how did you know?'

He winks & whispers "Hickory dickory dock......

[dontheturner]

 
 Hi Scott, If you haven't seen Dr Smith, already, I think he died last year.

[Pendragon]

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.........The Queen replied "always wear a seatbelt and don't p*ss me off"  L0L

[dontheturner]

 
 Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," Bob said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!

[dontheturner]

 
   A woman, has been reading a magazine, and finds out, for the first time, there are tablets, for men who never get any 'stiffness'.

She asks her husband to go see the Doctor, but he refuses.  So she goes, to find out.

Doctor, tells her, there are tablets, and that they come in different strengths.  25% 50% and 100%

She says, what is the difference?  he says, well 25%, gives ''a little lift''  50% gives it ''half way''  whereas 100%, will make it ''point to the ceiling''

She settles for, 25%  - just to keep his Slippers dry..

[dontheturner]

 
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today
 
Dear Lions Bay School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged... All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

[Hugo]

I got some new aftershave today that smells like
bread crumbs , the birds love it!

 Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will
be for the Christmas period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

 Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived   - I think I'll wear gold tonight' . Wife says 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?'

 I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown'.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'. I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

 The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.   To be fair, the audience did try to  warn him......

[Yorkie]

Abe and Golda are on their honeymoon. Golda turns to Abe in bed and says, “Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.” Shocked, Abe asks, “How can you be a virgin? I’m your fourth husband, you were married three times before!”

Golda responds, “My first husband, Max, was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was examine it. My second husband, Hymie, was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And my third husband, Izzy, was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was. . . . . . . . oy oy,  do I miss Izzy!”

[Pendragon]

  took me a minute to get the punch line Yorkie

[Pendragon]

A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats...

The Irishman builder quotes £500,000....

"How did you arrive at that figure?" asked the contractor....

" £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials.


The Scotish builder quotes £600,000...

£300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials.


The Jewsh builder quotes £1 millon....

The contractor sais "how did arrive at that figure?"

"Easy" sais the Jewish builder " £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me.... and we will get the Irishman to do the job 

[Pendragon]

My mate paid £40 for a penis enhancer off ebay. When he opened it some idiot had sent him a magnifing glass.

[Yorkie]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

[dontheturner]

 
  New Government Seal


                       

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.   A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

 

[Yorkie]

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring - but decided to hang it out for one more year!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jacob was a shy gentleman. One day, he was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought Jacob. "I know I’m Jewish but I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, Jacob was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought Jacob. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to Jacob and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in u n t?"
Only one word leapt to mind....a vulgar one. "My goodness," thought Jacob, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
Jacob thought for a moment, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, Jacob said "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me, but do you happen to have an eraser?"

[dontheturner]

 
  A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
             
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
 
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
             
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
             
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
             
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
             
She said, 'That was incredible!'
             
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
             
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
             
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
             
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
             
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey