Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 185366 times)

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Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #165 on: December 10, 2010, 07:58:19 am »
 

      During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #166 on: December 13, 2010, 05:13:31 pm »
Granny and grandad sitting at the breakfast table. Granny says "do you know my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago" Grandad says "course they are...cos ones in your tea and  the other's in your porridge" 

 _))* L0L
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Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley


Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #167 on: December 14, 2010, 09:01:51 pm »
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.


 
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister, even ma stag night".


 
Archie nods approvingly.


 
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.


 
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smairt in that. Whit's the tartan?"


 
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white !
 
 


Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #168 on: December 14, 2010, 09:04:51 pm »
Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When
he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying
to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you
like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed
he did.


She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £100.

'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Fridays
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house
at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £100 - they went to
the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.


Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from
work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by
the house this afternoon?'


With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly
asked, 'And did he give you £100?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
in fact he did give me £100.'


Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £100 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me
back.'




Offline Scott

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #169 on: December 18, 2010, 01:20:46 am »
A blonde drops off a skirt at the dry cleaners ....the lady behind the counter thanks her & says "come again" the blonde says "no actually it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!!"

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #170 on: December 18, 2010, 02:10:23 am »
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for
a break in their soon-to-be new store in the Marquee shopping mall.
The store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display
racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now
some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the
window and ask what we’re selling.”
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman
walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped
on the glass. Then in a loud voice he asked, “What are you
sellin’ here?”
''Ass holes'', the one replied.
The old guy said '' you're doin' well - only two left!''

Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #171 on: December 18, 2010, 09:04:08 am »
 _))* _))* _))*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #172 on: December 18, 2010, 10:54:17 am »
 
   I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

   He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "F..k me".

   What happened next will haunt me forever..

Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #173 on: December 18, 2010, 11:33:06 am »
 _))* _))* _))*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #174 on: December 20, 2010, 12:46:45 am »
 
   Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind naughty boy, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
 

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #175 on: December 24, 2010, 06:41:12 am »
  The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
 Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,

but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


The teacher sat down and cried.




Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #176 on: December 28, 2010, 01:07:39 am »
 
   Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.. The first replied,
'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield,
dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.

What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties cos, honey...dey always look for da Black Box first'

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #177 on: January 03, 2011, 08:17:46 am »
 
  Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Chris t!!!" shouted Susie.And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up & shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" The Nun fainted.

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #178 on: January 06, 2011, 06:12:17 am »
 A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
 golfer approached and asked if he could join him

 The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

 They were even after the first few holes.

 The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

 The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

 The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

 He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

 The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

 The Priest said, "You won fair and square. I was foolish to bet with  you. You keep your winnings."

 The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

 The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

 And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”




Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #179 on: January 08, 2011, 07:15:30 am »
 
 I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits she said "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection
during this kind of examination."

I said, "I haven‘t got an erection!?!"    She replied, (in a rather deep voice - "No, but I have!"
:)