Clean Jokes

[DaveR]

I always think of a Forum as being like an online version of a Pub or Cafe. When someone enters for the first time, you see all the regulars talking and learn about their various interests/bugbears etc. In many cases, a newcomer will simply sit back and 'watch the action' for a while before joining in, whilst others join the conversation straight away. Either approach is fine! All views are welcome here, doesn't matter how many posts you have made or how long you have been a member. As in any real pub/cafe, there is always a bit of banter between the regulars, it's nothing to be concerned about. 

[Pendragon]

Paddy ask's Murphy "how do you spell orange.........?" Murphy thinks about it and say's "do you mean the fruit or the colour?"   

[Scott]

Husband sat watching his tv, when his rather fat wife comes into the room & says "I just fell down the stairs didn't you hear me?"

Husband replies "Oh sorry luv I just thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

[Fester]

I've just heard that my Pakistani optician died yesterday.   Asif Eyecare.

[Fester]

Two Muslim mothers are looking nostalgically through some photo albums...
One said, This is my Khalid,  he would have been 21 now ... but he went to be a martyr for Allah.

The other said, this one is my Abdul, he would have been 19 now, ..but no, he too is a martyr for Allah.

The first looked wistfully and said,  Yes, isn't it amazing how quickly they blow up these days.

[dontheturner]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I

are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you
talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the
son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
hell they're getting
divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland
immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do
a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be
there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for
Christmas - and they're paying their own
way."

[Ian]

 

[dontheturner]

 
 It's the way you tell 'em... don

[Fester]

Its a Cracker... A christmas Cracker!
Your best one by far Donaldo !

[dontheturner]

Funny, Fest, I didn't think it was as good as the one about the married Lady, whose Life Insurance was due for renewal with the Co-op,  As she told her husband she was changing to the SAGA, but had to go see a different Doctor, before they would accept her.   Saw the doctor, in another part of town, came home, and hubby asked how it went.  She said she had to completely undress, for the Examination, and doctor, said, Well, for a woman of 45, you have the body of a lady, of 30.  her husband, Yes, but did he mention, your big fat ass?  She replied, no -  he never mentioned you..

[barney]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

 "Mrs Sanders, please."

 "Speaking."

 "Mrs Sanders, this is Dr Jones at St Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good"

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

 "That's dreadful...  Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.

 "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

 "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at the health care office recommend you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Pendragon]

      IYeah like that one Barney

[Scott]

Some unlikely cover versions.....................

Susan Boyle- Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.
Stevie Wonder- i can see clearly now.
Nick Griffin-Black or white.
Katie Price-Like a virgin.
Rihanna-Hit me baby one more time.
Michael Jackson-I'm forever blowing bubbles.
Josef Fritzl-Love shack
Stephen Hawking-I'm still standing.

[barney]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS..?

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around , and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I'll be darned,” then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

[Yorkie]

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
 
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
 
The chemist said that was good, but he said his dog was better. His dog, Measure, was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart.
 
They all turned to the Union Man and said, “What can your dog do?"
 
The Union Man called his dog whose name was Coffee Break, and said,   "Show the fellows what you can do."
 
 Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.