Clean Jokes

[dontheturner]

 
 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    * The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    * The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
 
    * The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    * The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
 
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
 
Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive.
 
So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?
 
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!



 

[dontheturner]

 
  MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOM E 30-ODD YEARS AGO


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM

IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ...

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

DEVIL  ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[Quiggs]

These are actual comments on students reports by teachers in a New York school, who were later reprimanded. But boy what a sense of humour

1/ Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2/ I would not allow this student to breed.
3/ Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4/ Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5/ Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6/ The student has a full 'six pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7/ This child has been working with glue too much.
8/ When your daughters I.Q. reaches 50, she should sell.
9/ The gates are down , the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming.
10/ If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to have to be watered twice a week.
11/ It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.
12/ The wheel is turning but the hamster's definitely dead.
 

[Yorkie]

Panto time.

 An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they
 take turns recounting their adventures at sea.
  Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the
 seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
 
 The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm
 off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just
 as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared
 and one of 'em bit me leg off".
 
 "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
 "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader
 ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way
 and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
 
 "Zounds!",  remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by
 the eye patch?"
 "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the
 pirate.
 
 "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?",  the sailor
 asked incredulously.
 "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with
 the hook.."

[Yorkie]

Two men are walking along the Severn Bridge (between England and
Wales), one with a budgie on
his shoulder the other with a parrot on his shoulder. One of the
men gets up onto the side of the bridge and flings himself off 
into space.

The budgie (being a sensible creature) immediately lets
go and flutters back to perch on the side of the bridge The
unfortunate man goes splat into the mud beneath the bridge (the
tide being out) and breaks several limbs.

The second man (with the parrot) also climbs out onto the side of
the bridge and throws himself forward. The parrot (being at least
as intelligent as the budgie) also lets go. However, the falling
man pulls a gun from his pocket and takes several pot shots at
the parrot which with a bit of nimble wing work manages to avoid
the shots and flies back to the bridge. As with his predecessor,
the man plummets to the mud below and breaks an unreasonable
number of limbs.

As the two men lie in the mud suffering from their wounds the
first man says "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping". The
second replies "Yeah - and this free fall parrot-shooting isn't much
fun either"

[dontheturner]

 

     Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
 

[Yorkie]

A Freemason went to the Pet shop and asked for a talking budgie to help
him with learning his ritual.

 He bought a lovely blue one and a cage and went home.
 
 2 days later he was back saying the budgie had not spoken a word.
 The shop owner asked,  "Is he happy? jumping up and down on his little
 perch?"
 "Perch? He hasn't got a perch " said the chap.
 " Got tohave a perch" said the shop owner.  So the chap duly purchased one
 for £1.
  2 days later he is back reporting the same problem. 
The shop owner asked "Is he happy?  Jumping up and down on his little perch -
 ringing his little bell?"
 "Bell?  Bell?  He hasn't got a bell!" said the chap.
 "Got to have a bell" said the shop owner.  Our man duly
 parted with a further 2 pounds for a bell.
 2 days later he's back.  "That budgie still hasn't said a word". 
 "Is he happy?" said the shop owner, "Jumping up and down on his
 little perch, ringing his little bell, pecking at himself in the mirror?"
 "Mirror?  Mirror?  He hasn't got a mirror!"   
"Got to have a mirror" said the shop owner, so our chap parts with a further £3
  and departs with the mirror.
 2 days later he's back reporting that the budgie still hasn't
 uttered a single word.
 "Is he happy?" asked the shop owner "Jumping
 up and down on his little perch, ringing his little bell, pecking at
 himself in the mirror, running up and down his little ladder?"
 "Ladder?  Ladder? He hasn't got a ladder." says our man.
 "Got to have a ladder!" said the shop owner and so another 3 pounds changes
 hands.
 2 Days later the chap comes back and with much obvious, sadness and
 reverence and reports "The budgie is dead!"   
The shop owner enquiring as to the cause of the budgie's demise asked "Did he say
 anything before he died?"
 "Oh!  Yes" replied our man -
  " He said - doesn't that shop sell b********y bird seed?"

[Ian]

LOL!

[Scott]

Air cargo security has been stepped up following reports that Al Qaeda are attempting to hide bombs in tins of Alphabeti Spaghetti . One senior insider said "if these go off it could spell disaster"

[dontheturner]

  I doubt that Scott - there's never two S's in them!   Don

[dontheturner]

 
  Be Careful This Christmas


Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.   

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor
Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee,
carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and stuff like that. 

 Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.  They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.

[dontheturner]

 
 
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity

Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been

able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Ian]

 

Both excellent!

[dontheturner]

  I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!

[dontheturner]

 THIS IS BOT A JOKE< BUT WHERE SHOULD IT BE?



   THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 )