Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 370981 times)

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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #210 on: February 11, 2011, 01:24:58 pm »
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his animals in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill..
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

brumbob

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #211 on: February 11, 2011, 04:11:29 pm »
 _))*

but can you translate for Fester  ;D


Offline barney

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #212 on: February 11, 2011, 11:38:56 pm »
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine >which can see 100 years into the future.  They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

 Barak goes first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
 The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action  and gives him a printout, he reads it out
 "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime  is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy  is healthy. There are no worries"

 David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll
have a bit of that" so he asks  "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he's just staring at it.

 "Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"

David replies,
"Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
« Last Edit: February 12, 2011, 11:03:17 am by Ian »

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #213 on: February 11, 2011, 11:44:49 pm »
 L0L L0L _))* _))* _))*

Nice one Barney,  we don't see enough of you on the Forum .... but when we do, its worth reading! 
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #214 on: February 12, 2011, 10:59:59 am »
The Dark Side Of Women...
 
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
 
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in  a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
 
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple ofmore shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
 
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
 
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care, and he will now be your career!'
 
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
 
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #215 on: February 12, 2011, 11:32:45 am »
How the world looks through different eyes...


http://alphadesigner.com/project-mapping-stereotypes.html
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

brumbob

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #216 on: February 12, 2011, 01:18:06 pm »
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?

To which he replied: That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Offline barney

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #217 on: February 12, 2011, 05:47:59 pm »
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Valentine
« Reply #218 on: February 12, 2011, 06:37:21 pm »
A 54 yr old woman had a heart attackand was taken to hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked  "is my time up?" Goed said: "No you have another 43 yrs, 2 months and 8n days to live."
Upon recovery  the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone to come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Crossing the street on the way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43yrs? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied "I didn't recognise you!"
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #219 on: February 12, 2011, 07:26:44 pm »
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 _))* _))* _))* L0L L0L L0L L0L :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

brumbob

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #220 on: February 13, 2011, 01:35:27 pm »
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
There's not many jokes that I haven't heard before, this is one of them
excellent  L0L

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #221 on: February 15, 2011, 11:46:10 am »
Paddy was showing off his new flask at work. Mick said "What does it do Paddy?"
"well....apparently it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"So what have you got in there today then Paddy?" said Mick
Paddy replies "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice!"  _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

brumbob

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #222 on: February 15, 2011, 11:38:18 pm »
The Tax System Explained in Beer

Everything can be explained using beer:

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.  If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.  The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.  "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."  Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.  So the first four men were unaffected.  They would still drink for free.  But what about the other six men?  How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?  They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free.  But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.  "I only saved a dollar, too.  It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man.  "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2?  The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all.  This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him.  But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important – they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.  The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.  Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.  In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

 

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #223 on: February 17, 2011, 01:53:46 am »
 
  Just for the benefit of the ladies on here:--

    http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

brumbob

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #224 on: February 19, 2011, 07:16:51 pm »
"ʞɔnl pɐq ʎpoolq ǝɹ,noʎ"
"¿ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ"
"˙lɹıɥs"
"˙ǝɔnɹq sǝʎ"
"˙ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ llıʇs ǝɹ,noʎ puɐ ssǝlǝsn 'ǝıp oʇ ʇnoqɐ 'uıɐd ƃuıʇɐınɹɔxǝ uı 'ɯɐ ı ǝɹǝɥ ʍou"
"'ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ ɥo"
"˙ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ pǝʎɐʇs llıʇs noʎ :ʇno ʇɥƃıɹ sn pǝdıʍ ɥɔıɥʍ 'ʇɥƃnoɹp ǝɥʇ uǝɥʇ puɐ 'ǝɹıɟɥsnq ɐ sɐʍ ǝɹǝɥʇ 'ʇɐɥʇ ɹǝʌo ʇoƃ ǝʍ uǝɥʍ ʇsnɾ uǝɥʇ 'pǝpoolɟ ɯɹɐɟ ǝɥʇ"
˙sʎɐs ǝɥs '"ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ 'ɥo"
"˙ɯɹɐɟ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq puɐ 'ʎʇılıqɐsıp ǝɯ oʇ ǝnp 'qoɾ ɐ ʇǝƃ ʇ,uplnoɔ 'ǝɯoɥ ǝɯɐɔ 'uǝɥʇ"
˙sʎɐs ǝɥs "ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ ɥo"
"˙ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ pǝʎɐʇs noʎ ˙sƃǝl ǝɯ ʇsol ı ǝɹǝɥʍ 'ǝuıl ʇuoɹɟ ǝɥʇ oʇ ʇuǝs sɐʍ puɐ 'dn pǝuıoɾ ı 'pǝʇɹɐʇs ɹɐʍ ǝɥʇ uǝɥʇ
˙sʎɐs ǝɥs '"ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ 'ɥo"
"ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ ǝɹǝʍ noʎ :ʇsnq ʇuǝʍ 'uoıssǝɹdǝp ǝɥʇ uı ssǝuısnq ɐ ʎnq oʇ pǝıɹʇ 'ʇno pǝʇɹɐʇs ǝʍ uǝɥʍ 'lɹıɥs" 'sʎɐs puɐ 'sɹɐǝʎ 06 ɟo ǝɟıʍ lnɟɥʇıɐɟ sıɥ 'ʎǝlɹıɥs ɹǝʌo sllɐɔ ǝɥ ˙pǝq sıɥ uı ƃuıʎp sǝıl ɹǝlʇʇɐq uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ plo uɐ