Clean Jokes

[Merddin Emrys]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

[Merddin Emrys]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her red  sports car and was pulled over by a policewoman, who was also blonde.
The blonde officer asked to see the blonde driver's License.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
"It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman.
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a policewoman."
             

[snowcap]

The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes, honestly it’s true!
He pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
he must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandpa you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him
And send him back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer.........
They are the greatest!!!
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing ..
NEVER Be The First To Get Old!
 

[Ian]

God Loves Drunk People Too


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

[Hugo]

British Humour is Different...
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K.. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little naughty boy. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" 

[Bellringer]

Comic Tim Vine, has won the annual award for the "Best One Liner" at an event in West London, with

"Conjunctivitis.com  - that's a site for sore eyes!"

[DaveR]

SPORTS NEWS: A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[SDQ]

Ally McCoist has just accepted a full time contract with Sky. He said "The pay is much better but I've never fitted satellite dishes before"

[Hugo]

WORD PLAY

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Pendragon]

A guy is driving around the back lanes of  Shropshire.
He sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for  eight  years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had lots of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'

[Ian]

 

[Hugo]

Here are some questions and the answers received on TV and Radio shows:-

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
 
Jeremy Paxman:
 What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
 
Contestant:
 Homosexuals.
 
Jeremy Paxman:
 No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
 


 BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:
 Where do you think Cambridge University is?
 
Contestant:
 Geography isn't my strong point.
 
Jamie Theakston:
 There's a clue in the title.
 
Contestant:
 Leicester
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
 
Richard:
 On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
 
Contestant:
 Er. .. ...
 
Richard:
 He makes bread . . ..
 
Contestant:
 Er . .....
 
Richard:
 He makes cakes . . ..
 
Contestant:
 Kipling Street ?
 


 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
 
Presenter:
 Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
 
Contestant:
 Barcelona
 
Presenter:
 I was really after the name of a country.
 
Contestant:
 I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain
 


 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
 
Question:
 What is the world's largest continent?
 
Contestant:
 The Pacific.
 


 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
 
Presenter:
 Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
 
Contestant:
 Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 


 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
 
Steve Le Fevre:
 What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
 
Contestant:
 Magna Carta?
 

[Hugo]

I decided to join the Samaritans and after my first call I got sacked
A guy called Abdul phoned and said,  "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".
I said,  "Remain calm and stay on the line" .

[born2run]

Just bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.

[Fester]

It's my scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow.

I thought I would surprise him,, so I have put a tenner in his Nanna's purse.