Clean Jokes

[dontheturner]

Only in America!

 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
 
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,   'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
 
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new.  So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 million) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
 
The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running.."

[dontheturner]

 
  Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick say's Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We Need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!

[dontheturner]

 
 Click here:-  very good!

  What color is her dress???

[Ian]

That was excellent.  And a vast improvement on the miserable effort on TV the other night, fronted by Lenny Henry.

[dontheturner]

  Happy New Year to all, Ian, But, how did they do it, so quickly/  I wonder.  Regards  Don

[Yorkie]

It's MAGIC Don, pure unadulterated MAGIC!     Alternatively the chap has eight women hidden up his sleeves.

Check your local library as there are many excellent books on the Art.     D)

[Yorkie]

What do you call a chav in a box?
Init.

What do you call a chav in a box with a chain round it?
Safe init.

Why did the chav cross the road?
To start on the chicken for no apparent reason

Two chavs jump off a building who lands first?
Who even cares?

What day of the year does a chav find most confusing?
Fathers day

Whats the difference between a dead chav and a ferrari?
I dont have a ferrari in my garage

What do you do if you run over a chav?
Reverse just to make sure he is dead

What do you call a Chav at college?
The cleaner

How do chavs knock on a door?
They Bang it

What do you do if you shoot a chav?
Reload.

Whats the difference between an onion and a dying chav?
Onions make you cry

What’s the difference between a battery and a chav?
A battery has a positive side

How does a chav girl turn the lights off after sex?
She closes the car door.

[dontheturner]

     I knew when I was little..

     We were so poor, if I wasn't born a boy, I would have had nothing to play with...

[Hugo]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite. All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he has a part in the school play and he is playing a man who has been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

[dontheturner]

 
   A young many had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.   
 "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.  After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad,  I've been thinking about that too, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

And his father replied,  "Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went.?"

[Yorkie]

 One sunny afternoon in New York
Joke Info
Category : Rabbi
Rating : 3.23
Contributor : chihuahualady
Type : T
 
 
 
One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"
 
 
 

[Yorkie]

Moisha saw his friend Abe with a long face and said," Hi Abe - sorry to hear about the fire."   "Shush" says Abe, "It's tomorrow!"

[dontheturner]

 Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 

[dontheturner]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons  and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,  not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies  --The head monk, says,

'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault  that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot, so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

We missed the R !   ---We missed the R !   --We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably - He says over and over, Oh Dear! the word was CELEBRATE ----.

[dontheturner]

 
   I got a new rifle and I decided to try it out - went hunting rabbits this morning. I got two in the head, one in the chest and another in the back leg. The woman in the pet shop went absolutely mental!!
--
I got arrested at midnight on New Year's Eve. I tried telling the cop that it was all a misunderstanding as when you see a Muslim shouting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 you drop the bu**er before he can reach the detonator.
--
What chance have we got to do a good job raising our kids when Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. I guess we can't blame them for rebelling when we've been teaching them to do it through bedtime stories!!

   
 
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