Dr Gerry Mander: the therapist the stars trust
Dear Dr Mander
For many years, I have presided despotically over a regime famed for its cruelty. I have maintained my vice-like grip by humiliating anyone with ambition, dashing their hopes of a better future, while bribing a tiny elite to remain outwardly loyal. There are superficial trappings of democracy, giving the masses some illusion that they control things. But really it is a personality cult. I am colossally vain, demanding an entourage of personal attendants, nurses, lackeys etc. I tolerate no criticism and enjoy playing rival factions in my administration off against each other. It's not easy running The X Factor. Now I want to expand into the US and I need a trusted deputy to take over the operation at home. I'm not sure anyone in the world is up to it.
Simon Cowell
Dear Mr Cowell
It is difficult for a regime that is centralised around a charismatic figurehead to survive transition to a new leader. You don't want The X Factor to Balkanise into autonomous shows run by warlords such as Louis Walsh and Cheryl Cole. You need someone with experience of total, megalomaniac control. As it happens, I have the perfect candidate, based in Tripoli, who will soon be in need of work abroad. Communications with Libya are a bit tricky right now, but you can contact his agent c/o the London School of Economics.