Less clean jokes: adults only

[Pendragon]

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a genie and a lamp"

The bar tender says "If ya' let me borrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

The man says "Oh, Okay!"

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out!

The genie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"

The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"

And the man says "Well did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist!"

[dontheturner]

 
  A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'That is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen'.
'Thank you' says the lesbian. 'I have a woman in twice a week!'



Why do women have orgasms?
So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves

[Fester]

 L0L L0L   Hh ha ... 2 nice ones Don ... new ones too!    L0L L0L

[dontheturner]

Fellow works in the Butchery department of Tesco's.  Anyway, he goes to the Doctors, and says, I have this compelling urge, to put my penis in the Bacon Slicer.  Doc says, well that would not be a very good idea,  it's just a passing thing - a fixation -,  Take these tablets, one a day, and come back in a week's time

He goes back to the doctors, and says no good doc, this urge is almost overwhelming.  Doc says, pull yourself together, man -, think of other things, and try to concentrate on your work.  I have these, capsules for you -, much stronger, again one a day, and see you next week.

A week passes, and the guy returns, goes in and says to the Doctor -,  Sorry Doctor, a succumbed to temptation, I put my penis in the bacon slicer, about an hour ago. doctor, says, good God man!  whatever happened? the guy replies - we both got the sack...

[Yorkie]

Last time I heard that one it was in a pickle factory!   Makes me wince every time I read it.   

[Trojan]

Last time I heard that one it was in a pickle factory!   Makes me wince every time I read it.   

I wince everytime I eat pickles. 

[Trojan]

This one's for Fester, but he will need Adobe Flash player to view it. 

Lemmy's Joke

[dontheturner]

 

     A black bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says 'where did you get that?'

The parrot said 'Africa. There's f.....g millions of them.'

[dontheturner]

  Got in a bit of trouble with the wife last night.
    All was going well and we were having a deep conversation about the after life.
     She asked me where I wanted to be burried........

     I guess balls deep in her slutty sisters A*** was not the answer she anticipated.

[dontheturner]

 
  Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:the French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:that French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The French guy thinks:that English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the English bloke thinks:I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French silly billy again. 

[Yorkie]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that
he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1.It had
never been occupied; 2. There was plenty of heat; 3. It was small enough
to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too
large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


 L0L  L0L  L0L

[Yorkie]

When you are old
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't
even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all
day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Yorkie]

My younger sister was having one of her first genealogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfriend wants to have anal sex.  I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it.  Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied "Of course, you can my dear.  Where do you think lawyers come from?"

 

[Pendragon]

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "shall we put it on your bill"
 "are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.   L0L

[Fester]

I went out clubbing the other night ... and I took this dodgy bird home with me.

After I had my evil way with her, there was a voice which came out of the bed itself... it said..

'' Oh its that fat bitch from last week again''

The girl was startled and said, ...what the hell was that?

I just replied ...  don't worry, its just my memory foam mattress.