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Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 217554 times)

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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #405 on: June 24, 2014, 06:06:11 pm »
The Queen's Riddle
 
David Cameron asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?  Are there any tips you can give me?"
 
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
 
David Cameron then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
 
The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.  I'll show you. Watch me and listen..."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said,"Yes, Mama?"

The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
 
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered, "That would be me."
 
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

"Ah Ha!  I get it!" said David.  "Thank you, Marm." And in a great rush he left.
 
David Cameron went back to Westminster and decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
 
"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg. And then he went on to say,  "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.

Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked, "Hey Nigel; see if you can answer this question."

"Shoot, Nick,"  replied Nigel.

"Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
 
Nigel Farage answered, without stalling, "That's easy, it's me!"
 
Nick Clegg grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
 
Nick Clegg then went back to find David Cameron and said to him, "David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

"If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the Child is Nigel Farage !"
 
David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"


. . AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP  IS DOING SO WELL 
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Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #406 on: August 14, 2014, 01:54:23 pm »
Heard about the dyslexic,    atheist,     insomniac.

He stayed up all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
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Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #407 on: August 27, 2014, 11:10:20 am »
The Jewish people have always had a wonderful ability to laugh at themselves.  Hence, I have no hesitation in passing on this very short anecdote.

The scene is side road off Oxford Street in London's West End.
Avraham the shopkeeper, bumps into Moishe who is looking somewhat dejected and says, "Moishe my good friend, I am so sorry to hear about the fire."
"Shh," says Moishe, "Tomorrow!"
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Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #408 on: September 11, 2014, 11:48:33 pm »
PRICELESS! -- WHAT A MAN
 
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.and, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight." I love you, darling!" Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old  son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.....
   "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table £239.99
   Hot Breakfast £4.20
  Two Aspirins 50p
 
  - Saying the right thing, at the right time. .PRICELESS
 
 
 
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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #409 on: September 12, 2014, 08:47:04 am »
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Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline born2run

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #410 on: September 12, 2014, 12:02:29 pm »
haha brilliant
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Offline born2run

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #411 on: September 12, 2014, 12:03:13 pm »
Has anybody watched the 'Vicars with Jokes' programme on BBC2 - If not it's very funny some classics in there
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Offline SDQ

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #412 on: September 16, 2014, 06:31:41 am »
A while ago HAGGENS opened a new store in Bellingham, WA.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.



Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.



In the meat department there is the aroma
of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking
and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma
of bacon and eggs frying.



The bread department features the tantalizing
smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy my toilet paper there anymore!
 
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Valar Morghulis

Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #413 on: December 05, 2014, 09:17:57 pm »
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
 "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?" 
 
 
 
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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #414 on: December 06, 2014, 08:05:33 am »
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Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #415 on: December 06, 2014, 07:48:52 pm »
Nice twist Bri!
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Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #416 on: December 12, 2014, 04:06:06 pm »
An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him.

 

She immediately dials 999.

Irish woman: ''It's me feckin’ husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've feckin’ killed him!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Missus. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done that..................... What next?''

 
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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #417 on: December 12, 2014, 04:56:44 pm »
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Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #418 on: December 23, 2014, 05:25:23 pm »
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to doggy doos yourself when I tell you the price!”
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Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #419 on: December 24, 2014, 12:03:24 am »

       Walking on the Grass
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Kind of brings a tear to your eye and a lump to the throat.
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