Clean Jokes

[Ian]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[Blongb]

An article from the Kentucky Post

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes Hospital.
Her claim was that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight.

[Trojan]

 

[Ian]

                                   Letters to Dear Abby that didn't make the cut ..........

                     ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE  FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall  from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker  in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never  seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be  Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity,  Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man  I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is  his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman  who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think  my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to  discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my  husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he  denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear  Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was  raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear  Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get  out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a  psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be  crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill  for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home  sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think  she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some  woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what  do I do?

 


 
  Remember,  these people walk among us & can  vote!!

[Ian]

Not sure how true this is, but it could easily be,..

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's A*** and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco.  Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say

[Merddin Emrys]

  I really hope it is true!

[Fester]

A man walks into a dentists and says: “You’ve got to help me. I think I’m a moth.” The dentist says: “To be quite frank, I don’t think I can help. What you need is a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here anyway?” The man replies: “Well, the light was on…”’

[Ian]

These are clean, but decidedly non-PC.



Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
 
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
 
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
 
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
 
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women!The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday.


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

[Yorkie]

Little Jewish boy, rushes into his Father and says, "papa, Papa, so already I'm on my way to my first million."  "Why, my Son, what have you done to seek my praise?"
"Today, Papa, coming from School, I ran home behind the bus, and I saved 20 pence!"
"I see you still have much to learn my Son!  It will take you a long time with such small rewards."
"So what shall I do Papa?" asks the Son.
"Tomorrow, my boy, you will run home behind a taxi and save £5!"

[barney]

There was once a little boy who loved tractors. He had everything to do with tractors, tractor books, tractor toys, tractor posters. But the only thing he loved more than tractors was his pet dog. One day, his dog was run over and killed by a tractor, and from that day in he hated them - burnt all his books and posters and threw away his toys and never thought of them again. He grew up and started dating, and met a lovely woman who he took out on a date to the local pub. He opens the door for her and she walked inside, and then walked straight back out again. He asked her what was wrong. She replied "it's too smoky in there, I can't breath the air is too thick with cigarette smoke". "No problem" he said, "I'll sort that out for you". So he went into the pub, took a huge breath in and sucked up all the smoke, came back outside and breathed out again, letting out a plume of smoke. Low and behold, when she went back in, the air was clear!! "How on earth did you do that?" She asked. "Easy" he replied, "I'm an EXTRACTOR fan"!!!!!!!!

[Nemesis]

 

[Tosh]

Grooooooaaaaaaaan.

[Tosh]

The young farmer fancied a girl in the village so he asked his dad what he could do, his dad told him to do something sexy to attract her.
The next day his dad saw him standing in front of his tractor ouside the girls house with no clothes on and dancing provocatively.
His dad asked him what he was doing and he said, you told me to do something sexy to a tractor. bum bum.

[barney]

Oooooooo No

[Nemesis]

Juvenile I know-- but this amused me.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?


Can you smell carrot ?