Clean Jokes

[Ian]

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that
almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6
P.M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip
up on them and missed the 6 P.M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6 P.M. each
day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water
clock. "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6 P.M.," he said.
"Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P.M. each
evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was
6 P.M. by the color change and could consistently get to the 6 P.M. meetings on time. Needless to say, this
pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite
market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one
junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch."

This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should
be called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding
for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would ensure that you would be
informed when it reached 6 P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision:

"We shall call it a timeband, and

in honour of the Great Alexander,

it shall be known as:

 'Alexander's Rag Timeband'.

[Yorkie]

Why do all blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead?   
Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it!

What do you call a smart blond?   
A golden retriever. D)

What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?   
Pull the pin and throw it back. L0L

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?   
To see what was on the other side.

How do blonde braincells die ?   
Alone. :speechless:

How do you brainwash a blonde?   
Give her a douche and shake her upside down. :weeping:

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?   
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Z**

[Yorkie]

Hampshire Police have announced the immediate replacement of their e-fit software with the significantly more realistic drawings of suspected criminals created by five year-old children.

Police have admitted having technical issues with their previous e-fit of a burglary suspect, but claim the new sketch by five year-old Jack Dawkins is a much more realistic likeness.

The new image shows the suspect to be approximately eight foot tall, with a seventeen inch waist and head circumference of two metres, which witnesses say is a siginificant improvement on the lettuce-headed first attempt created using a hugely-expensive computer. 

A police spokesperson said, “We take the apprehension of criminal suspects extremely seriously, and as such we will use all resources at our disposal, including those created using wax crayons by someone who signs their name alongside their age in years and a fraction.”

“If Jack’s drawing looks like you then I would be getting pretty nervous about now. The net is closing in, mister.”

It is hoped the new hand-drawn e-fit will lead to the swift conclusion of the enquiry, with senior officers bullish about their new suspect-identification system.

The Hampshire constabulary spokesman continued, “We know it is almost impossible to find someone who has lettuce for hair, with hindsight it was quite ridiculous to even release that image.”

“However we feel confident the public will easily spot a man whose head is twice the size of his waist and has no elbows or knees.” 

“We’re pretty sure his walk will be quite distinctive.”

Police have warned that the suspect might be dangerous, and should not be approached, adding that members of the public should contact the authorities immediately should they see anyone with fingers the size of their feet and whose mouth is directly below their right eye.   )*)&

[TheMedz]

A begger walks up to a well dressed woman who's coming out of Selfridges, holds his hand out and says "I haven't eaten for 4 days"

She looks at him and replies "God, I wish I had your willpower"

[Merddin Emrys]

the other day I was sitting down with the paper and i looked up and thought how amazing it is to see all the stars in the sky and wondering about how many planets revolve around the stars and who lives on the planets







and then I thought ''whatever happened to the toilet roof? ''

[Ian]

 

[Yorkie]

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertainin an Arkansas bar.

He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says
threateningly,  "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes - we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister - I'm talking to the smart-mouth lil' fella!

 L0L D)

[Ian]

 

[Merddin Emrys]

I went in to a shop the other day and the assistant said ' can I help you sir '  I said ' yes, I'd like to buy a wasp, how much is it please?' She said ' we don't sell wasps '  and I said ' well you've got one in the window '   

[Yorkie]

I bought a pair of old Wharfdale Speakers - my local Antique Dealer said, "That's a sound investment!"   L0L

I also bought an old book - but that's another story!  

[Yorkie]

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."   

[Ian]

 

[Merddin Emrys]

I was cleaning the jets off the lawnmower's carbburetor the other day, using a saucer with some petrol in it, next doors cat started drinking from the saucer and then he shot on to the lawn and franticaly ran round and round in a circle when suddenly it fell down and stopped moving   the cat's owner saw this and said ' my god! is my cat dead??'  I said 'no, it's run out of petrol!'

[Quiggs]

Just lost my job at the piano factory. But I left on a good NOTE though.   

[Quiggs]

You won't hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I need to LILO for a while.   

Paddy runs into the Pub and shouts Mick, someone has just stolen your car. Mick says "did you see who it was", Paddy replies "No, but I managed to get the registration number".   :