Three Towns Forum

Members' Lounge => Games, Jokes & Quizzes => Topic started by: Ian on September 03, 2010, 03:14:39 pm

Title: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on September 03, 2010, 03:14:39 pm
For the more forthright
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 10, 2010, 06:04:56 pm
  I'll risk this one !
  The Welsh invented condoms. They were invented in 1673, by using the uterus of a sheep.  The Scottish improved it a few years later by taking it out of the sheep first !!!     ;) ;D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: nettle on September 12, 2010, 04:10:10 pm
What did one saggy tit say to the other???

If we dont get support soon they'll think were nuts...........
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: DaveR on September 12, 2010, 04:14:22 pm
 <:<:<:<
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 15, 2010, 02:11:59 am
What's the similarity between Captain James T. Kirk, and a roll of toilet paper?

They both wipe-out Klingon's.

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 15, 2010, 10:24:25 pm
Something might turn up one day.  ££$

As I recall, the interior of the Savoy was nothing special, quite plain in fact. I saw Ghostbusters there in 1984.

Well if you want to see pictures of the Savoy ....''Who ya gonna call?''    :laugh:

Funny you should mention that other film at the Astra ...as only last night I wached..''Shaving Ryan's Privates'' ....is that the same one?
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 15, 2010, 10:55:37 pm
OK Trojan ..I'll follow up with this one...

In Star Trek, why was Lieutenant Uhura Brown?

....Because William SHATNER ....   _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 15, 2010, 11:14:42 pm
She was way ahead of her time with her bluetooth.  :P
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 15, 2010, 11:27:04 pm
Something might turn up one day.  ££$

As I recall, the interior of the Savoy was nothing special, quite plain in fact. I saw Ghostbusters there in 1984.

Well if you want to see pictures of the Savoy ....''Who ya gonna call?''    :laugh:

Funny you should mention that other film at the Astra ...as only last night I wached..''Shaving Ryan's Privates'' ....is that the same one?

Errr......don't think so Fester. :speechless: (Dave/Ian..I think you better move these threads to the "Less than clean jokes" section.  :-X However.....the 'Music & the Arts" section appears to have no threads yet.  L0L

Trojan!!!!!! We dont need to be seeing things like that, thank you very much!!!!!  Y^^Y
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 15, 2010, 11:41:43 pm
I've just come back from a football match where only Stroke victims played...

I've never seen such a one sided affair...

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 15, 2010, 11:45:27 pm
Ha ha ...nothing artistic about that film, by the look of it ....
But I didn't realise it was actually gay porn!!  I wish I hadn't mentioned it now !!    :-[ :-[

AAARRGGHHHHHH
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 15, 2010, 11:54:04 pm
Ha ha ...nothing artistic about that film, by the look of it ....
But I didn't realise it was actually gay porn!!  I wish I hadn't mentioned it now !!    :-[ :-[

AAARRGGHHHHHH


 ))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 16, 2010, 09:35:40 pm
Ha ha ...nothing artistic about that film, by the look of it ....
But I didn't realise it was actually gay porn!!  I wish I hadn't mentioned it now !!    :-[ :-[

AAARRGGHHHHHH


 ))* _))*

Trojan!!!!!! We dont need to be seeing things like that, thank you very much!!!!!    Y^^Y

There's me thinking you were an avid film buff Dave.  8)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: DaveR on September 16, 2010, 09:40:30 pm
Not that avid, mate!  :o
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 16, 2010, 11:17:01 pm
Dave and Trojan, I thought it was pretty funny actually ....I think everyone on here is broad minded enough to withstand that one..
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Ian on September 17, 2010, 08:49:27 am
We have to be a little careful, Fester, because we are a community forum and could have youngsters finding us. If we were a closed or subscription forum, that wouldn't be an issue.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 17, 2010, 08:15:53 pm
Understood Ian ...thats why Dave and Yourself are Moderators ....to moderate our ludicrous behaviour.

Having said that it was pretty mild stuff.

Anyhow, perhaps we SHOULD become a closed order, develop our own handshake, and issue bespoke leather aprons to all Forum members?
Alright...alright,  I can hear you saying ...''LEAVE IT FESTER!!''

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 18, 2010, 02:02:51 am
Not that avid, mate!  :o

 _))*

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 18, 2010, 02:11:17 am
Is this one passable?  :D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Nemesis on September 18, 2010, 09:50:08 am
The sand out there makes things itchy enough. :(
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 18, 2010, 09:28:29 pm
The sand out there makes things itchy enough. :(

Especially the West Shore. I ended up with a wonderful organ grinder there, one gusty evening back in July.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 20, 2010, 01:38:14 pm
Is everyone broadminded enough for this?

http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/video/x1y6ya (http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/video/x1y6ya)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Ian on September 20, 2010, 02:02:49 pm
I've seen that before, and it's truly excellent.  She certainly knows how to get the most - or perhaps the least - out of a simple palming trick. 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 23, 2010, 04:27:01 pm
I wonder if this will get past the Censor????? )*)&


 Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street
 and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her
 boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my
 boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason."

 The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
 don't you like getting flowers?"

 The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after
 getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
 three days on my back with my legs in the air."

 The blonde says ...”Don't you have a vase?"

 L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 26, 2010, 12:39:20 pm
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blow job."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
    L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 27, 2010, 07:35:08 am
 :puke2:  :puke2:  :puke2:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 27, 2010, 09:49:41 pm
Medical researchers have found that patients requiring blood transfusions, may benefit from receiving CHICKEN BLOOD rather than Human.        It tends to make the men Cocky and the Women lay better.
                                                                      Just thought you'd like to know.   D)

                                        Blessed are those who are cracked.    For they are the ones to let the light in.   :P

                                                                       O K I'll go to my room now.  D)         
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 29, 2010, 10:32:56 pm
Seen on a t shirt years ago!

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

and

Four
Forks
Ache
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 29, 2010, 11:43:30 pm
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church and sits in the confessional box but says nothing, the Priest coughs a few times to gain his attention, but still nothing. The Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles it's no use knocking mate, there's no bloody paper this side either.   :-[  Z**
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 30, 2010, 12:17:11 am
Seen on a t shirt years ago!

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

and

Four
Forks
Ache

Andy,
At the risk of sounding a little obsessive, the 'Whale Oil Beef Hooked' tee-shirt was worn by Phil Taylor (The drummer of Motorhead) in the late 70's

Fest.



Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 30, 2010, 12:28:56 am
Guy walks into a Chemists and asks for some Viagra, The chemist says I need some Medical proof. Guy says " here's a photo of my wife"   :D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 30, 2010, 12:48:12 am
    A teacher  asks a class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things. the first boy says "alligator". "Very good, that's a big word". The second says "Predator". "Yes that's another good example, Well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator. Miss". After nearly falling of her chair, she says "that's a big word, but it does not eat anything".          " Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"   :leer:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 30, 2010, 04:32:14 pm
I must have really annoyed my wife when I tried Erotic Asphyxiation, She's been lying there ever since giving me the silent treatment.  :twoface:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Paddy on September 30, 2010, 06:22:05 pm
My wife just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the car...
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 30, 2010, 06:37:07 pm
There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he’s walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.

The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"
 L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 30, 2010, 06:37:47 pm
I went to a wedding some time ago and I was sat next to this lovely old lady and she whispered in my ear ' I'm very sorry but I've very quietly broken wind ))* what do you think I should do?'  I said ' buy some new batteries for your hearing aid!'  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 30, 2010, 06:47:48 pm
I was in a bar once and at the other end of the bar was this stunning dark haired girl, I was looking her way and she sneezed and I saw a glass eye heading towards me :o  Well I managed to catch it and walked over to take it back to her, 'here you are' I said 'I don't think anyone noticed'  'Thanks' she said ' let me buy you a drink ' . Then she said 'lets go to a fancy restaurant, my treat' So of we went and had a great meal, then she said 'its getting late, we'll stop at a top class hotel'  (was it the Clarence?) so the next morning I said to her ' do you treat all the men like this?'  'No' she said 'you just happened to catch my eye!'   _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on September 30, 2010, 11:33:23 pm
A grossly overweight woman goes to the gym ... and says,
''can you recommend an exercise, which is not too stenuous, which will help me lose weight quickly''?

The instructor says,
''Yes, shake your head slowly and rhythically from side to side''

Sounds simple ..''how often do I need to this'' she asks?

Answer came..   ''everytime someone offers you food, you fat cow''


Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Quiggs on October 01, 2010, 12:02:32 am
A friend has invented explosive Prayer Mats, they are selling like hot cakes. Prophets are going though the roof.   WWW
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Blongb on October 10, 2010, 07:53:40 pm
As he finishes a fabulous State Dinner at the Vatican, is it true the Pope passes round the under 8's  WWW
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 10, 2010, 08:00:34 pm
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the bloody cup.    L0L  L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 10, 2010, 11:19:45 pm
As he finishes a fabulous State Dinner at the Vatican, is it true the Pope passes round the under 8's  WWW

Funny you should say that ... but I kept mistaking the Pope-mobile for an ice cream van.

Until I saw the sign on the back saying,  ''Wouldn't Mind That Child''


Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 12, 2010, 08:11:03 pm
A drunken man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. he looks over to his wife in bed and slurs
"look,look at the ugly cow I have to sleep with tonight ! "
The wife looks up from reading her book and says "thats not a cow its a sheep"
The drunk looks at his wife and says " I wasn't talking to you ! "
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: TheMedz on October 12, 2010, 10:49:53 pm
Rainbow but not quite as I remember it!

Stuff you never noticed as a child (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80799180#file=http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/video/523364/80799180.flv)




Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 13, 2010, 09:12:03 pm
  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: DaveR on October 13, 2010, 09:23:08 pm
Apparently it was made as an inside joke by the production team and was never shown on tv.  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 13, 2010, 10:25:55 pm
I went on a muslim stag night last weekend .... It was wild I can tell you.

The stripper got her face out for the lads !!

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 13, 2010, 10:29:54 pm
  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 13, 2010, 10:36:57 pm
Not a chance the Moderators will leave this one on for long ... although I don't see why,  there are loads of jokes about an Englishman, Irishmen and Scotsman ....but maybe for tonight a few people will get a laugh out of this....here goes.

I was driving down the road today and I could see a house fire ... and an English family were leaning out of the window shouting SAVE US,  SAVE US.

So I did !

As my new screensaver.


Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 13, 2010, 10:45:29 pm
That's just not cricket Fester!  ;D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Ian on October 14, 2010, 07:28:39 am
Quote
Not a chance the Moderators will leave this one on for long ... although I don't see why,

I think you do...really.  :D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Ian on October 14, 2010, 07:35:13 am
I've only changed one word. And it still works with Trojan's posting.  But we really can't host racist jokes, if for no other reason than Dave and I are liable for what gets posted.

It's racist because that joke depended on a mindset of the audience which regards certain ethnic groups as specifically characteristic of stereotypical imagery.  In other words, it only works because some people are happy to denigrate certain racial groups.  The Irish, Scottish and English jokes work in a similar way, but rely on widely accepted myths about the intellectual superiority of the English, the meanness of the Scots and the ignorance of the Irish.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 15, 2010, 05:42:54 pm
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 15, 2010, 11:53:27 pm
Tut tut, Ian ...
Of Course I knew the joke would be unacceptable, hence my pre-amble to it.
BUT ... my premise holds true, and because I am English by origin, I now feel that my life is expendable, as you have inserted the word 'English' at the appropriate juncture.
If I die in my bed due to a house fire tonight, I hope you don't feel guilty in any way,  I wouldn't wish that on you.

Good moderating by the way, if a little predictable.   

Now, lets look at Pendragon's joke, from an angle of possible age-ism?    _ (Joking ... do no such thing)

Fest.
Title: Re: The mine rescue in Chile
Post by: Fester on October 16, 2010, 12:34:28 am
Yep,  I've not seen so many minors brought to the surface since they dug up Fred West's Patio.

Title: Re: The mine rescue in Chile
Post by: Trojan on October 16, 2010, 08:09:36 am
Yep,  I've not seen so many minors brought to the surface since they dug up Fred West's Patio.


  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 16, 2010, 08:22:55 am
Athletic young blood goes into a Chemist and says, "Three packets of condoms please, Miss!"
"Don't MISS me!" she says.
"OK", he says, "Make it four".                      _))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 16, 2010, 03:42:42 pm
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned." 

 D)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 16, 2010, 04:26:30 pm
It's Saturday morning...... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon to fix the machine. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, its Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.
And Uncle Frank jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"     _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 16, 2010, 04:40:46 pm
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".   L0L
Title: Re: The mine rescue in Chile
Post by: Pendragon on October 16, 2010, 05:06:08 pm
Yep,  I've not seen so many minors brought to the surface since they dug up Fred West's Patio.

 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: The mine rescue in Chile
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2010, 05:19:23 pm
Yep,  I've not seen so many minors brought to the surface since they dug up Fred West's Patio.

 _))* _))* _))*

Excellent...

Fred West is in his back yard one morning, the next door neighbour comes out and shouts:

"Fred, what the heck are you doing with that spade?"

Fred replies ...

"Getting the kids up for school"
Title: Re: The mine rescue in Chile
Post by: Fester on October 16, 2010, 07:53:57 pm
I hear Gary Glitter is on his way to Chile ..

He's heard that its the only place in the world that sliding a minor up your shaft gets applause and cheers!


Title: Re: The mine rescue in Chile
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2010, 08:19:26 pm
I can see that the last lot of jokes (mine included - 'mine', geddit?) are going to have to be moved to the less clean jokes' section.

 $smack$
Title: Re: Gargoyles
Post by: Trojan on October 17, 2010, 03:07:59 am
Trago Mills stores in Devon / Cornwall has gargoyles modelled on the local politicians due to a long standing battle with the local council _))* seems like a good idea :D

Reproduction Gargoyles are available in the National Trust shop at Penrhryn Castle, which is a nice day out and not so far to go!        $wales

Thanks for that Yorkie. I've been looking for a place where I can get a little head next time I'm home.  :leer:
Title: Re: Gargoyles
Post by: Yorkie on October 17, 2010, 09:00:10 am
Reminds me of the Blonde who went into her hairdresser and told her that her boyfriend had terrible dandruff.   Hairdresser told her to give him Head and Shoulders.   Blonde was quiet for about ten minutes and that asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"     _))*  L0L  _))*  L0L

 $uk
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 17, 2010, 04:37:47 pm
A few funny one liners

The best way to change someones mind, is with a rock !!  :D

Depression is merely anger with no enthusiasm  :-[

Why does my Knight in shining armour always turn out to be a TOSSER in Tin Foil. L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Scott on October 20, 2010, 10:15:08 pm
I was asked to go & see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another, then we ended up having sex. The police weren't too happy though, I was only supposed to be identifying the body!


Sorry guys they could be worse they land on my phone & some are worth sharing...some are not!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 21, 2010, 11:45:08 pm
I went on yet another major piss-up with Dave R again last night.
...and I found myself in bed with the fattest, ugliest most horrible cow you could ever imagine..

Thats when I realised that I had made it home safe.


Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Barbiroli on October 22, 2010, 12:39:53 am
Shame on you Mrs. Fester wo`nt be happy :o :o
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 22, 2010, 08:20:19 am
I was in this telephone box, getting in touch with my girl-friend, when a Policeman came along and turned us both out!    L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 22, 2010, 08:38:42 am
A down and out tramp, knocks at the farmhouse door, and asks the Welsh Farmer, if he needs any work doing, for a nights sleep, in the barn.- He being very kindly, says, ''if you can drive a tractor - sure, and I 'll give you a meal too''.  towards the end of the day, the tramp has completely done the field, as indicated.  The farmer, goes to out the front door, in order to inspect his work, and says 'fine, but you missed a patch there, and points'  the tramp, says, I used to work at Jones farm, next to yours, and that piece, is where I enjoyed my first bit of love, so i couldn't do it.  farmer says, I understand, but you missed another little patch, over yonder -  the tramp says, couldn't do that bit either, as that is where her Mother, stood watching us.  The farmer says, good Lord, man, didn't she say anything?  the tramp says, oh yes, she did, she went ''baa baa''
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 22, 2010, 09:03:52 am
 
  One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.
He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.
Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.
The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.
After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman threw the huge mug on the stone floor, shattering it.
The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!
I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the childrens' potty!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 22, 2010, 09:09:12 am

 The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

French military rifle for sale. MAS 1936 7.5mm bolt-action. WWII Vintage. Serious inquiries only. $800 or best offer. Excellent condition, never been fired, only dropped once.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 22, 2010, 09:15:56 am
A very confident man about town walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a stunner. He gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The Bar Girl notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "a friend has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."

The Bar girl says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's
so special about it?"

the guy explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."

The Bar Girl says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The Girl giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing panties."

the guy smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour
fast."


--------------------
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 22, 2010, 05:24:51 pm
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a genie and a lamp"

The bar tender says "If ya' let me borrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

The man says "Oh, Okay!"

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out!

The genie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"

The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"

And the man says "Well did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 23, 2010, 02:37:57 am
 
  A lesbian goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'That is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen'.
'Thank you' says the lesbian. 'I have a woman in twice a week!'



Why do women have orgasms?
So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 23, 2010, 10:35:52 pm
 L0L L0L _))*  Hh ha ... 2 nice ones Don ... new ones too!   _))* L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 25, 2010, 02:03:07 pm
Fellow works in the Butchery department of Tesco's.  Anyway, he goes to the Doctors, and says, I have this compelling urge, to put my penis in the Bacon Slicer.  Doc says, well that would not be a very good idea,  it's just a passing thing - a fixation -,  Take these tablets, one a day, and come back in a week's time

He goes back to the doctors, and says no good doc, this urge is almost overwhelming.  Doc says, pull yourself together, man -, think of other things, and try to concentrate on your work.  I have these, capsules for you -, much stronger, again one a day, and see you next week.

A week passes, and the guy returns, goes in and says to the Doctor -,  Sorry Doctor, a succumbed to temptation, I put my penis in the bacon slicer, about an hour ago. doctor, says, good God man!  whatever happened? the guy replies - we both got the sack...
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 25, 2010, 06:28:16 pm
Last time I heard that one it was in a pickle factory!   Makes me wince every time I read it.    :-X
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 25, 2010, 10:26:34 pm
Last time I heard that one it was in a pickle factory!   Makes me wince every time I read it.    :-X

I wince everytime I eat pickles.  ;D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 26, 2010, 12:33:49 am
This one's for Fester, but he will need Adobe Flash player to view it.  :D

Lemmy's Joke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qa0cpdcc7s#)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 26, 2010, 07:20:02 am
 

     A black bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says 'where did you get that?'

The parrot said 'Africa. There's f.....g millions of them.'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 26, 2010, 09:59:22 am


  Got in a bit of trouble with the wife last night.
    All was going well and we were having a deep conversation about the after life.
     She asked me where I wanted to be burried........

     I guess balls deep in her slutty sisters A*** was not the answer she anticipated.

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 26, 2010, 11:29:30 am
 
  Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:the French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:that French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The French guy thinks:that English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the English bloke thinks:I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French silly billy again. 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 26, 2010, 03:43:23 pm
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that
he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1.It had
never been occupied; 2. There was plenty of heat; 3. It was small enough
to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too
large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


 L0L  L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 26, 2010, 03:54:45 pm
When you are old
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't
even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all
day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 26, 2010, 03:59:58 pm
My younger sister was having one of her first genealogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfriend wants to have anal sex.  I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it.  Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied "Of course, you can my dear.  Where do you think lawyers come from?"

 ))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 28, 2010, 01:50:20 am
Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "shall we put it on your bill"
 "are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.   L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Fester on October 28, 2010, 02:08:52 am
I went out clubbing the other night ... and I took this dodgy bird home with me.

After I had my evil way with her, there was a voice which came out of the bed itself... it said..

'' Oh its that fat bitch from last week again''

The girl was startled and said, ...what the hell was that?

I just replied ...  don't worry, its just my memory foam mattress.

Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 28, 2010, 04:33:48 am
 L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 28, 2010, 04:44:38 am
 :)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 28, 2010, 12:28:35 pm
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin?, Damn...is it midnight already?'"
 _))*  L0L  _))*  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes
Post by: dontheturner on October 29, 2010, 12:53:16 pm
There was a meeting (after they formed a Union) of all the sperm, in a guy's prostate gland.

The complaint was, that their mates, were getting shot all over young women's bellies, tits, 
and were not reaching their destination.

So, the Sperm Shop Convenor  proposed, and it got carried, that whenever they felt the rhythmic motion,
they would speed up the pipe, and reach the Ovaries, in double quick time.

A few hours passed, and sure enough, the vibrations started, just as they were all settling down. 
Come on Guys, shouted the Sperm Shop steward, lets do our best,--

However, Sadly, it was not to be -as number one reached the knob eye, he braced his arms, out wide, and shouted at the top of his voice

Back men! we're in the doggy doos.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on October 29, 2010, 04:54:43 pm
All little Jonny wanted for xmas was a train set. Xmas day arrived and little Jonny ran down the stairs to open his pressies under the tree.  He was very dissappointed when he realised he hadn't had a train set.  He turned round to find his mother holding a huge box, he ran over grabbed the box undid the wrapping and there it was, the full set, he bagan to set it all up very excited. There was a knock on the door, it was Jonnys aunty. Jonnys mother went into the kitchen to make a brew.
Jonnys mum was listening to him playing "Choo choo Any of you f*ckers want to get on the train, get on the train now, Choo choo any of you f*ckers want to get off the train, get off the train now!!" he said
"Oi Jonny don't you dare use that language, get up to your room you naughty boy" she shouted
2 hours later she called up to Jonny "come down, you can play with your trains but no swearing"
Again she went to make a brew and was listening to Jonny play "Choo choo, any of you people want to get on the train, get on the train now, any of you people want to get off the train, get off the train now" the mother gave the thumbs up to the aunty. Jonny continued "any one complaining about the 2 hour delay, blame the c*nt in the kitchen"

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on October 29, 2010, 06:07:32 pm
Well, if Don can get away with that ... I'll chance this.

My wife has left me.... she told me its because I'm too kinky in the bedroom.

I nearly spat our her piss when she told me !!

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on October 29, 2010, 06:20:23 pm
Don't understand that one!

Am I naive or have I missed out on the kinky stakes!     _))*  L0L  ))* 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on October 29, 2010, 06:26:43 pm
Perhaps I should answer..... don't knock it til you've tried it?   .... but I ain't so sure....
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on October 29, 2010, 06:29:17 pm
Perhaps I should answer..... don't knock it til you've tried it?   .... but I ain't so sure....

seeing you in a different light here Fester  ::)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on October 29, 2010, 11:19:45 pm
>>TWENTY DOLLARS
>>On their wedding night, the young bride
>>Approached her new husband and asked
>For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
>Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on October 30, 2010, 07:27:47 am
A few years ago, whilst still in the UK, a female relative came to visit, from USA, and I told her, that the local butcher ‘loved a good joke’ – so to have one ready for her to tell him. We went on the Saturday morning, the shop was packed, and this is what she told him – rather loudly.
A guy rings his Wife, from work, and tells her, he is on the threshold, of promotion- his boss, wants to take them both out to dinner, that evening – ‘so get dressed up real good – I’ll be home at six, and we have to be at Queens, for seven’.
In the early afternoon, she rings him, and tells him she has been grossly offended – by a guy down town. And he must return home immediately.  When he gets home, she is very distressed, and tells him, she showered, chose her best slinky red evening gown, tried it on, then realised she only had her shabby silver court shoes, and needed new shoes.  So, she went straight down to the shoe shop, in the Mall, for new ones.
On entering the store, the young man in there, sat her down, and because of the tightness of the gown, she pulled it up, then realised, that in her haste, she had forgotten to put on her undies.
Immediately, the guy in the shoe store, sat down in front of her, he looked at her, and said ‘if that was filled with Ice cream, I could fill the whole of it’.. She said, ‘ so I hit him, with my handbag, – and I want you to go down there, and sort him.’.
Her husband replied, ‘I’ll do no such thing – you were totally in the wrong – In the first place, you had no right to go out without wearing your underwear, - In the second place, you have a cupboard full of shoes, and in the third place, no man on God’s earth, could possibly, eat that much Ice cream. –

Two thirds of his customers, in that Butchers, burst out laughing, and two ladies, just went poe-faced!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on October 30, 2010, 11:03:58 am
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

 L0L  L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on October 31, 2010, 01:10:18 am
 PLease forgive me, for I have sinned.   Don

  "The Rabbi is Leaving"


At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.


There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.


Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.


Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"


More sighs and loud applause..


Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"


There is total silence.


The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"


Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied:


"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F--k him."

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on October 31, 2010, 03:56:25 pm
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Title: Re: Optical Illusions
Post by: Yorkie on October 31, 2010, 08:12:12 pm
Men only!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 02, 2010, 07:44:51 am
 
   

    A Man picks up a Chinese girl at a party and takes her home. she says "me so horny me do anything for you" He says "how about a 69?" she says "you beggar off, me not cooking crispy duck in black bean sauce at this time of night".
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 03, 2010, 08:57:02 pm
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 _))*  _))*  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 05, 2010, 12:13:08 am

 Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

 

The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...


Sum Ting Wong.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 05, 2010, 11:17:08 am
 
 Oh, dear!  Is it Trojan?  Thanks for telling me.Am I in the right place? Hope so!

 Heard about the three elderly ladies sitting on a bench, in the shelter on the prom?

Along came a flasher, and when he got rel close to them, he opened his coat.

Emily,  immediately had a stroke,  next, Milly too, had a stroke.  But Gertie, (who has arthritis)
, could not quite reach.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 07, 2010, 04:47:13 pm
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
the interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am  to 4.00pm...

...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at
10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on November 08, 2010, 07:40:56 pm
some funny pics  _))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 08, 2010, 09:07:19 pm
                      Husband says to wife, "My Olympic
condoms have arrived
                              ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
                              Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come
second for a change."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 08, 2010, 09:11:22 pm

                                IRISH SAUSAGES

 Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or
two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise
the staggering sum of one Euro.

                                Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

                                He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.

                                Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we
don't have any money at all!'


                                Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'


                                He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints
                                of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


                                Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do
you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't  even got any
money to pay for these drinks  !!'


                                Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't
worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '


                                They downed their Drinks. Murphy said,
'OK,  now here's the plan.  I'll stick the sausage through my zipper
and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'



                                The barman  immediately noticed them,
went berserk, and threw them out.


                                They continued this, pub after pub,
getting more and more drunk, all for free.



                                At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy -
I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm  absolutely drunk and me
knees are killing me!'



                                Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.








Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on November 08, 2010, 09:21:16 pm
 _))* _))*  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 08, 2010, 10:39:05 pm
I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said                                   
I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on                                           


I said "You're pulling my leg"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 11, 2010, 10:11:41 pm
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous
woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take
it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice
man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she
says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
                        The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make
your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 12, 2010, 01:13:03 am
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Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 12, 2010, 07:31:15 am
 
 Friend of mine, went to see a Psychic in the afternoon,  and she told him, he would soon be coming into  money.

Odd really, in the evening, he was with a girl named Penny.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 12, 2010, 12:15:51 pm
My wife though this "joke" should be confined to the "dirty Jokes" section.    ¢¢##

The inuendo is apparent to all.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 12, 2010, 10:33:57 pm

                   At the regular Sunday morning service,Greek Father
George announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church
that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No
one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

                  Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up
and proclaims "If Father George stays, I will provide him with a new
Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their
children!"

                  The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

                  Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands
and says, "If Father George will stay on here, I'll personally double
his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university
education for his children!"

                  More sighs and loud applause

                  Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile,
"If Father George stays, I will give him sex!"

                  There is total silence.

                  Father George, blushing, asks her:"Maria, you're a
wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

                  Maria's 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying
to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

                  "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said: "F**k  him."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 13, 2010, 01:59:57 am
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist "Six pence," says the
chemist.
"How much for a new one?""Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and
the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the
door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by
an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says."We'll have a new one."

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 13, 2010, 06:39:27 am
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the Exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on November 14, 2010, 05:28:15 am
 L0L L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on November 14, 2010, 05:33:57 am

 Friend of mine, went to see a Psychic in the afternoon,  and she told him, he would soon be coming into  money.

Odd really, in the evening, he was with a girl named Penny.

The next evening he was with Ms Moneypenny  :P
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on November 14, 2010, 08:51:31 pm
Its funny Don the Turner mentioned Gynaecologists...

You see I employed a qualified gynaecologist ...to decorate my house!

He managed to decorate the hall,stairs and landing..through the letterbox!   :o :o
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on November 15, 2010, 06:58:59 am
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on November 15, 2010, 12:47:04 pm
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.


Very good Trojan.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on November 16, 2010, 05:31:37 am
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.


Very good Trojan.

You could at least have displayed a "laughing avatar" Paddy.  :-X
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 16, 2010, 08:42:09 am
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

L0L  _))*  Happy now????    WWW
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on November 16, 2010, 05:46:29 pm
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

L0L  _))*  Happy now????    WWW

 $happy$
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on November 16, 2010, 06:43:15 pm
You could at least have displayed a "laughing avatar" Paddy.  :-X

 ))* apologies for the delay.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 16, 2010, 10:19:21 pm
The american indian With One Testicle


 

There once was an indian who had

only one testicle and whose given the

name 'Onestone'.

 He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'


 The word got around and nobody

called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman

named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

 
He jumped up, grabbed her and took

her deep into the forest where he

made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


 The word got around that Onestone

meant what  he promised he would do.

 
Years went by and no one dared call

him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the

village after being away. Yellow Bird,

who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said,

'Good to see you, Onestone.'


 


  Onestone grabbed her, took her deep

into the forest, then he made love to her

all day, made love to her all night,

made love to her all the next day,

made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


 
                                                   Why ???


 everyone knows...


 

You can't kill

Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

 

 

 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 16, 2010, 10:57:25 pm
 

 

 





 

 

 

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here,  I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. 
 

The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.


'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!
 

 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on November 16, 2010, 11:49:42 pm
Excellent!  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 17, 2010, 08:55:54 am

 Little inquisitive Boy, asks his Mother at breakfast,  ''Was Dad catching fleas in bed last night, Mom?''

Being cautious, she says ''Why do you ask?  he replies ''Well, Mom, I thought i heard Dad say to you, Shall I catch it in my shirt, or shall I let it go?''
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 17, 2010, 09:15:30 am
How on Earth was he catching a flea in his shirt?    Z**
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 18, 2010, 06:26:36 am
Hello Mr Yorkie, I did fervently hope, I would not have to explain this , in simple terms, so I must apologise, if I am posting this to you, under the wrong heading.
As I am probably, one of the most senior posters, on this web site, so far be it for me, to be teaching anyone, a little of Britain's history!   As aboy in the 1930's, Britain's houses, were small, cramped, and very close together - so were a breeding ground for Fleas. Bathrooms, were a luxury, not possessed by the working class. nor were there such clothes as ''Pyjamas'' - so the normal working man, such as all my Father, Uncles, and Grandfather, too, came home, bathed out in the Scullery or brewhouse, (Kitchen), then, if retiring for the night, donned a ''nightshirt'' and went to bed.  If, as often happened there was a flea in the bed, biting all in sight, & you needed to remove it, and you foolishly put on a gas light, or lighted a candle, the flea would qucikly make an exit, so fast - the trick to solving this dilemma, was to feel for it, biting, then trap it, in your nightshirt., and squeeze the very life out of it, with fingers, and thumb.- Along came Keatings powder - which solved the problem, as more inhabitants, used the powder, and so killed off thousands of these pesky fleas..  I am amazed, Mr Yorkie, you had to ask.  But not all can be as informed as me, I suppose..  Thanks for asking - dontheturner..
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 18, 2010, 06:45:03 am
Sorry Mr Yorkie - but I forgot to mention, that the Nightshirt, extended, well down the calf - and could therefore be easily used, for catching them.  However I also forgot to explain , the punch line, due to the fact, that should he have decided, (without consulting his Wife) to ''Let it go'' - then most likely, she would have got it, with obvious consquences,
 ,  Thank you   dontheturner
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 18, 2010, 08:46:31 am
Sorry Mr Yorkie - but I forgot to mention, that the Nightshirt, extended, well down the calf - and could therefore be easily used, for catching them.  However I also forgot to explain , the punch line, due to the fact, that should he have decided, (without consulting his Wife) to ''Let it go'' - then most likely, she would have got it, with obvious consquences,
 ,  Thank you   dontheturner

Having been conceived and born in the 1930's myself, I can well remember the trials and tribulation of life during that period.  Cardboard insoles to one's shoes to cover the holes in the sole, and especially wearing hand me down clothes.    I was the youngest of three and had what my Sister had outgrown despite my being of the opposite sex.   It all went well until one day I turned up at school in a rather nice dress.  The only problem was the teacher was sporting the very same colour and style.  I can tell you he was not too pleased!

We never had fleas as the bloody great cockroaches kept them at bay!

I suppose you also remember, bread and dripping, Money for jam jars, milk from a churn, rationing and the silence when the buzz bomb engine stopped and you waited for the explosion!
 
Our house
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on November 18, 2010, 09:39:13 am
Yorkie, what do you MEAN, do I remember bread and dripping .... its my favourite food in the whole world even today!

Nothing better than collecting the juices from a roast pork joint or chops.... then waiting a few hours....  and spread it (nice an thinly) on bread with a little salt.

MMMMMMMMMM

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 18, 2010, 09:40:51 am
Sorry Mr Yorkie - but I forgot to mention, that the Nightshirt, extended, well down the calf - and could therefore be easily used, for catching them.  However I also forgot to explain , the punch line, due to the fact, that should he have decided, (without consulting his Wife) to ''Let it go'' - then most likely, she would have got it, with obvious consquences,
 ,  Thank you   dontheturner

Having been conceived and born in the 1930's myself, I can well remember the trials and tribulation of life during that period.  Cardboard insoles to one's shoes to cover the holes in the sole, and especially wearing hand me down clothes.    I was the youngest of three and had what my Sister had outgrown despite my being of the opposite sex.   It all went well until one day I turned up at school in a rather nice dress.  The only problem was the teacher was sporting the very same colour and style.  I can tell you he was not too pleased!
We never had fleas as the bloody great cockroaches kept them at bay!
I suppose you also remember, bread and dripping, Money for jam jars, milk from a churn, rationing and the silence when the buzz bomb engine stopped and you waited for the explosion!
 Our house
I was standing at the Top of the Bull Ring in Birmingham, watching firemen fighting the devastation, - my favourite shop - 'Hobbies', was no more.  At the age of 13, we were collecting Paper salvage, for our schools' War Effort., Yes but that also means, you knew about Night shirts?    Eh Yorkie - the photo you have posted, was my shed down the garden!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 18, 2010, 11:20:45 am
Little inquisitive Boy, asks his Mother at breakfast,  ''Was Dad catching fleas in bed last night, Mom?''
Being cautious, she says ''Why do you ask?  he replies ''Well, Mom, I thought i heard Dad say to you, Shall I catch it in my shirt, or shall I let it go?''

I've got it now!  Eureeka!  Of course what you were really refering to was the ejaculation fluid!  How silly of me!  L0L   
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Nemesis on November 18, 2010, 11:25:35 am
Which area of Yorkshire was your house in? :o ;D :-\
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 18, 2010, 11:30:20 am
Peniston on't Moor.     *&(
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on November 18, 2010, 11:50:10 am
A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, every time he does a trick the parrot shouts "it's in his pocket, 4 of clubs, it's got a false bottom! the magician feckin hates it. That night the ship sinks and him and the parrot cling to a piece of driftwood, for four days the parrot say's feck all, just stares at him.......On the fifth day the parrot say's "Ok I give up where's the feckin ship gone!"

 _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 19, 2010, 02:03:55 am
Little inquisitive Boy, asks his Mother at breakfast,  ''Was Dad catching fleas in bed last night, Mom?''
Being cautious, she says ''Why do you ask?  he replies ''Well, Mom, I thought i heard Dad say to you, Shall I catch it in my shirt, or shall I let it go?''

I've got it now!  Eureeka!  Of course what you were really refering to was the ejaculation fluid!  How silly of me!  L0L   
Good Lord!  Yorkie - what kind of mind to you have?  I meant the Flea, of course - biting his Wife.  dontheturner
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 20, 2010, 07:25:27 am
 
  Since we are approaching the season of goodwill - here is an appropriate funny:-

3 guys died, one Christmas Eve, and neared the gates of Heaven, where St Peter waited to greet them, and St Peter, said, As this is the festive season, you must each show me something that represents Christmas.  The first guy, felt in his pocket, and pulled out a Cigarette lighter, When asked what it Represented, he  said, well it reminds, of a candle - the light of Jesus.  St Peter, said very good, you may enter Heaven.
The second one produced a bunch of keys, and shook them saying - these represent the bells of heaven,   St Peter, said you too, may enter Heaven.  The third guy, felt into his trousers pocket, and produced a pair of panties, and said, these are Carol's.
 PS  Maybe Yorkie, (being the Wise Old Sage like me), will know if he got in, as I was not told. Don
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Scott on November 20, 2010, 11:44:12 pm
Yorkie, what do you MEAN, do I remember bread and dripping .... its my favourite food in the whole world even today!

Nothing better than collecting the juices from a roast pork joint or chops.... then waiting a few hours....  and spread it (nice an thinly) on bread with a little salt.

MMMMMMMMMM


I can picture it now and I used to think you had a little bit of good taste Fester but it made me feel rather sick when I read that :P I guess spreading it (nice an thinly) makes it ok? _))* Obviously moving from Yorkshire to Wales hasn't helped your healthy eating regime  :'(
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 22, 2010, 03:35:37 pm
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the bottle."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 22, 2010, 05:25:24 pm
I like that one  Yorkie _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 24, 2010, 01:45:49 pm
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas.  When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the men. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1- 10, and if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys.  "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant.  "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."    "2," said the customer. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant.  "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way" insisted the other.  "My wife won twice last week."

By way of a little extra>>>>>>>>
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbour lady was so outraged at this; she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 25, 2010, 07:52:49 am
lots of one liners -

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now
photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible,
I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'  He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,    'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple are attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says
to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think  I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'






 
+
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on November 25, 2010, 08:11:25 pm
 L0L Some good 'un's there Don.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 25, 2010, 10:46:47 pm
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.  They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.  The guy was amazed.  Everything had been SO incredible!  'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.  Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied...

'You just happened to catch my eye...'



 


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 27, 2010, 03:10:46 pm
Many men are buying black market Viagra pills from Mexican internet medical suppliers.

The Department of Health announced that several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.

The results can be horrible....



 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on November 28, 2010, 09:05:58 pm
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.

 

 

 
 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 29, 2010, 06:29:51 pm
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 29, 2010, 06:35:03 pm
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on November 30, 2010, 12:59:54 pm
 
    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to look at you.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fasti.    L0L
 

 
 
 





 

 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 01, 2010, 01:00:05 am
  One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
                                             
*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
                                     

 *************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


   ******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

         
    ********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'               
       

   ********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************
                                         

 


 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on December 05, 2010, 01:10:58 pm
Occasionally something appears from out the blue that makes one chuckle!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on December 05, 2010, 02:46:47 pm
I hope he's not getting royalties!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 09, 2010, 01:44:34 am
 
    A teacher at a High School in ROMFORD ESSEX asks one of her brightest students to use the
    word "handsome" in a sentence.
   The girl, named Latisha says,
   "Sometimes when I be suckin' Leroy's Soul Pole, my jaw gets sore and I haft'a use my handsome."  :rolleyes:

    The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye !  :Don
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 09, 2010, 04:11:29 am
 
   She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and  toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming, Or this is going to be  my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment,  I embraced her and then Gave it my all;  right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on December 10, 2010, 06:15:29 am
 L0L Nice one Don.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 10, 2010, 07:58:19 am
 

      During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on December 13, 2010, 05:13:31 pm
Granny and grandad sitting at the breakfast table. Granny says "do you know my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago" Grandad says "course they are...cos ones in your tea and  the other's in your porridge" 

 _))* L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on December 14, 2010, 09:01:51 pm
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.


 
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister, even ma stag night".


 
Archie nods approvingly.


 
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.


 
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smairt in that. Whit's the tartan?"


 
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white !
 
 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on December 14, 2010, 09:04:51 pm
Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When
he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying
to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.



Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you
like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed
he did.


She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £100.

'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Fridays
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house
at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £100 - they went to
the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.


Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from
work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by
the house this afternoon?'


With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'


Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly
asked, 'And did he give you £100?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
in fact he did give me £100.'


Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £100 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me
back.'



Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Scott on December 18, 2010, 01:20:46 am
A blonde drops off a skirt at the dry cleaners ....the lady behind the counter thanks her & says "come again" the blonde says "no actually it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 18, 2010, 02:10:23 am
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for
a break in their soon-to-be new store in the Marquee shopping mall.
The store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display
racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now
some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the
window and ask what we’re selling.”
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman
walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped
on the glass. Then in a loud voice he asked, “What are you
sellin’ here?”
''Ass holes'', the one replied.
The old guy said '' you're doin' well - only two left!''
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 18, 2010, 09:04:08 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 18, 2010, 10:54:17 am
 
   I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

   He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "F..k me".

   What happened next will haunt me forever..
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 18, 2010, 11:33:06 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 20, 2010, 12:46:45 am
 
   Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind naughty boy, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 24, 2010, 06:41:12 am
  The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
 Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,

but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


The teacher sat down and cried.



Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on December 28, 2010, 01:07:39 am
 
   Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.. The first replied,
'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield,
dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.

What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties cos, honey...dey always look for da Black Box first'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 03, 2011, 08:17:46 am
 
  Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Chris t!!!" shouted Susie.And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up & shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" The Nun fainted.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 06, 2011, 06:12:17 am
 A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
 golfer approached and asked if he could join him

 The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

 They were even after the first few holes.

 The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

 The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

 The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

 He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

 The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

 The Priest said, "You won fair and square. I was foolish to bet with  you. You keep your winnings."

 The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

 The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

 And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”



Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 08, 2011, 07:15:30 am
 
 I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits she said "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection
during this kind of examination."

I said, "I haven‘t got an erection!?!"    She replied, (in a rather deep voice - "No, but I have!"
:)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Scott on January 09, 2011, 09:17:26 pm
A flat chested woman goes to see Dr Smith about enlarging her breasts.
He tells her -Every day after your shower rub your chest & say 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
She does this for several months and it works- she grows terrific D cup boobs.
One day she gets on the bus, the driver looks at her & says 'You look amazing, are you a patient of Dr Smith?'
She says 'Yes how did you know?'

He winks & whispers "Hickory dickory dock......
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 10, 2011, 12:26:06 am
 
 Hi Scott, If you haven't seen Dr Smith, already, I think he died last year.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on January 10, 2011, 08:48:52 pm
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.........The Queen replied "always wear a seatbelt and don't p*ss me off"  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 12, 2011, 01:57:38 am
 
 Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," Bob said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 12, 2011, 05:27:06 am
 
   A woman, has been reading a magazine, and finds out, for the first time, there are tablets, for men who never get any 'stiffness'.

She asks her husband to go see the Doctor, but he refuses.  So she goes, to find out.

Doctor, tells her, there are tablets, and that they come in different strengths.  25% 50% and 100%

She says, what is the difference?  he says, well 25%, gives ''a little lift''  50% gives it ''half way''  whereas 100%, will make it ''point to the ceiling''

She settles for, 25%  - just to keep his Slippers dry..
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 15, 2011, 01:10:04 am
 
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today
 
Dear Lions Bay School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged... All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on January 15, 2011, 03:29:54 pm
I got some new aftershave today that smells like
bread crumbs , the birds love it!

 Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will
be for the Christmas period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

 Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived   - I think I'll wear gold tonight' . Wife says 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?'

 I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown'.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'. I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

 The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.   To be fair, the audience did try to  warn him......

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on January 16, 2011, 04:18:47 pm
Abe and Golda are on their honeymoon. Golda turns to Abe in bed and says, “Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.” Shocked, Abe asks, “How can you be a virgin? I’m your fourth husband, you were married three times before!”

Golda responds, “My first husband, Max, was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was examine it. My second husband, Hymie, was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And my third husband, Izzy, was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was. . . . . . . . oy oy,  do I miss Izzy!”
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on January 16, 2011, 04:26:15 pm
 _))* took me a minute to get the punch line Yorkie _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on January 16, 2011, 04:42:05 pm
A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats...

The Irishman builder quotes £500,000....

"How did you arrive at that figure?" asked the contractor....

" £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials.


The Scotish builder quotes £600,000...

£300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials.


The Jewsh builder quotes £1 millon....

The contractor sais "how did arrive at that figure?"

"Easy" sais the Jewish builder " £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me.... and we will get the Irishman to do the job  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on January 17, 2011, 09:35:45 pm
My mate paid £40 for a penis enhancer off ebay. When he opened it some idiot had sent him a magnifing glass.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on January 19, 2011, 11:39:20 am
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 22, 2011, 12:52:04 am
 
  New Government Seal


                       

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.   A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on January 25, 2011, 03:46:16 pm
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring - but decided to hang it out for one more year!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jacob was a shy gentleman. One day, he was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought Jacob. "I know I’m Jewish but I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, Jacob was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought Jacob. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to Jacob and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in u n t?"
Only one word leapt to mind....a vulgar one. "My goodness," thought Jacob, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
Jacob thought for a moment, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, Jacob said "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me, but do you happen to have an eraser?"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on January 30, 2011, 01:06:26 am
 
  A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
             
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
 
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
             
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
             
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
             
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
             
She said, 'That was incredible!'
             
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
             
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
             
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
             
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
             
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on January 31, 2011, 06:22:02 pm
: Sums it up really!!!!!


Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.



The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,  but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Opthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the  Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash  their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it,and one said he nose it wont work.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p****d off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the  Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London ..

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on February 01, 2011, 05:50:35 pm
Subject:
 W: Duz tha speak Yowkshire?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
 
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
 
Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................................................
 
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
 
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"
 
..............................................................................................

 
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell A*** cream?"
 
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 05:18:12 pm
It's not easy being Dyslexic...

Last night I got my sleeping tablets and Viagra mixed up................Ended up having Forty Wanks!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on February 05, 2011, 05:22:10 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 05:25:16 pm
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 06:44:47 pm
I think what Andy Gray and Richard Keys did was terrible and I think Sky Sports were right to sack Andy.
Also I think in the interest of fairness Sky Sports should give Andy's job to a female presenter... ....with really big t!ts!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 07:08:40 pm
Here's one for Don:

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection".

But she did.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 06, 2011, 02:48:35 pm
Fester the hen

Fester came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Fester, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Fester was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Fester was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground..

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Fester, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Fester.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...






'Fester, wake up, you drunken naughty boy. You've **** the bed!!'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on February 06, 2011, 03:25:08 pm
Never yet done that...
However whilst all this has been going on, my pet Cockatiel has now laid TWO eggs in two days.

A normally tame bird, she will now guard them viciously for a few days, and not even eat or drink.
Then she'll either lay even more,  or get bored and ignore them.


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 06, 2011, 03:29:02 pm
Never yet done that...
I should hope not  :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on February 06, 2011, 03:36:04 pm
This is Charlie my parrot. He's pinching crisps off Gez. He hates women. It took months for me to go near him. He can't fly and he's really funny.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on February 06, 2011, 06:14:35 pm
Funny that....my cockatiel loves crisps too, and will take them from me OR Mrs Fester.
But, she doesn't like Mrs F unless there is some food involved.

In fact the only female that my bird seems to like is Merddin Emrys' lovely wife Helen.... But everyone likes Helen.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on February 06, 2011, 08:16:54 pm
Here's another one for Don:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 08, 2011, 07:22:51 am
A little old lady goes into a tavern and sits at the bar.

The bartender notices that she is VERY drunk but goes over to find out what she needs.

The old lady says, (in a drunken slur)

"Tarbender, Tarbender, bring me a martuni with a pickle in it."

So he makes a martini, puts an olive in it and hands it to her.

She gulps it down in one swig and says,

"Oh heartburn, heartburn,

Tarbender, Tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."

So the bartender makes another martini, puts an olive in it and takes it to the old lady.

Again she gulps it down in one swig and slams the glass down on the bar saying,

"Heartburn, heartburn,

Tarbender, Tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."

Well now the bartender is thinking that this is about enough of her so he says,

"Lady, first of all I am not a Tarbender,

I am a BARTENDER!

Second, you are not drinking a martuni with a pickle in it,

It is a MARTINI with an OLIVE in it!

And third, you don't have heartburn,

Your tits are in the ashtray!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 08, 2011, 03:52:10 pm
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.

'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya wood'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a €20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a €10 note appears.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '? €1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman



'Sure I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 12, 2011, 01:23:17 pm
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on February 12, 2011, 05:45:44 pm
    Today's word is ... FLUCTUATIONS

     

    I was at my Bank of Nova Scotia today.  There was a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

     

    It was obvious that she was a little irritated. She asked the teller "Why it change?  Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today only get hunat eighty.  Why it change?

     

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said "Fluctuations".

     

    The Asian lady said "Fluc you white people, too".

 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on February 12, 2011, 06:15:31 pm

A successful
rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch
hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
He proved to be a hardworker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.
For weeks,the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing verywell.

then oneday, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o'clock
came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock
and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietlycalled him over to her..

"Unbutton myblouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling,he did as she directed
 "Now take off my boots."


 He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
 "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,you're fired."


 


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 13, 2011, 01:24:52 pm
 _))*


Nelson  at Trafalgar 2010 .....................


Nelson:  "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye  sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I  dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of  this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading  aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her  duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,  religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook  is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty  policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities  employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “  England " past the censors, lest it be considered  racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my  pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval  vessels have now been designated smoke-free working  environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open  the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel  the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration  has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the  Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:  "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with  it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find  that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of  water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve  of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance  with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,  please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible,  sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and  Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and  they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They  won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can  be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's  carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's  busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck  Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never  heard anything so absurd.."

Hardy: "Health and  safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free  environment for the differently abled."

Nelson:  "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I  refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise  to the rank of admiral by playing the disability  card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal  Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual  impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson:  "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray  beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too,  sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging  without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing  in too much salt - haven't you seen the  adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to  engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit  worried about shooting at anyone,  Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is  mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just  that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they  actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid  lawyers on board, watching everyone like  hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the  Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually,  sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're  not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish  are our European partners now. According to the Common  Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch  of water. We could get hit with a claim for  compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a  Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I  wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you  saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary  report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an  enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not  any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this  multicultural age..  Now put on your Kevlar vest;  it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson:  "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to  rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained,  sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal  punishment."

Nelson: "What about  sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal,  sir."

Nelson: "In that case...................  Kiss me, Hardy."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on February 13, 2011, 01:28:40 pm
Excellent BrumBob.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on February 15, 2011, 08:55:27 am
Discovery Channel

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a
West African bush tribe whose men all had a penis 12 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around
his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 12 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the
African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown 6 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on February 17, 2011, 07:38:47 am

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces

four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this  most odd, but complies, fastening the

springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the  springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless and the guy is paying.
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over

the room by the energetic German, all the time honking

on the duck caller.


The climax is the most sensational that she has ever

experienced and it is several minutes before she has

enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says the German . .

'zat is  ze.... Four-sprung  Duck technique'
Title: Re: Dreadful jokes
Post by: dontheturner on February 18, 2011, 12:43:51 am
  Subject: WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

> Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

> Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

> Better to be p****d off than p****d on.

> Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

> Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

> Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

> Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

> Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

> War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

>>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

> It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

> Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

> Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

> Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: dontheturner on February 19, 2011, 01:25:33 am
 
            FARTING AT TIFFANY'S 
             
            A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL  DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...    AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...    VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED  HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...    AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A  SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...    GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE  QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...    HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP  YOU TODAY???    BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW  MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS  LOVELY BRACELET ??'    HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING  TO doggy doos  YOURSELF WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."

     
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 19, 2011, 12:56:27 pm
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
 
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  

2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8 ) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!  
 
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
 
 
And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

 
 
See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 21, 2011, 07:44:47 pm
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy:  ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna:  ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. 
Then he  takes me out for dinner...
A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy,  I enjoyed  it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely  crazy,
he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'' 

Dorothy:  ''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out  with him?'' 

Edna:  ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 23, 2011, 11:51:54 pm
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 23, 2011, 11:54:07 pm
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand.

 Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on February 25, 2011, 12:12:47 am
Last flights of the Harrier from Cottesmore took place in late December when 800 Naval Air Squadron and IV ® Squadron at RAF Cottesmore flew an approved route over several Lincolnshire and Suffolk airfields, then on for a flypast over the MOD and Parliament to entertain a number of UK and foreign dignitaries and massed MPs.

The disgruntled yet highly professional former Harrier pilots were specially recalled for this event, laid on by the RAF top brass in an effort to demonstrate that despite the cuts, the good old British stiff upper lip was still in place.

This event wasn't well publicized and unusually escaped the attention of most of the Aviation enthusiast sites.

Fortunately an image of the London leg of the flypast was captured for prosperity.

 

A picture of the last Harrier flypast over the Houses of Parliament. You have squint to see what the 'boys' are trying to say!



 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on February 26, 2011, 12:06:56 am
 L0L L0L L0L L0L     _))* _))* _))* _))*     :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Nice one BrumBob,  I had to look at that twice to figure it out....
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on March 05, 2011, 04:32:10 pm
The ladies' toast.

Here's to America
The land of push,
Where a bird in the hand,
Is worth two in the bush.

But if in the bush
A maiden should stand.
A push in the bush
Is worth two in the hand!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 06, 2011, 06:36:47 pm
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

MANY people who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I know you'll appreciate this reminder.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on March 08, 2011, 09:30:36 pm
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
 
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
 
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
 
'An ambulance just drove by!'
 
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
 
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
 
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
 
'Jason is on his skate board!
 
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
 
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
 
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'
 
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: born2run on March 11, 2011, 10:15:41 pm
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on March 11, 2011, 10:18:15 pm
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

MANY people who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I know you'll appreciate this reminder.
_))* _))*  L0L L0L  wicked Bob Classic
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on March 11, 2011, 10:26:38 pm
I told my wife I kept getting a burning sensation in my ass and didn't know what it was.  She said "ring sting."  I said "what makes you think he'll know?"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on March 14, 2011, 12:13:12 am
I told my wife I kept getting a burning sensation in my ass and didn't know what it was.  She said "ring sting."  I said "what makes you think he'll know?"

He soothes his in the bath.  :D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on March 14, 2011, 12:16:02 am
Positive proof of global warming.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 15, 2011, 07:05:24 pm
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on March 16, 2011, 09:20:21 pm
The 2011 car reg's are out a famous Jockey bought FA11 OFF. 
David Jason obviously bought DE11 BOY and there are rumours that
Jordan has bought ME11 ONS
but don't worry there's still a chance for you to get BA11 BAG or BE11 END.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on March 16, 2011, 09:24:12 pm
The 2011 car reg's are out a famous Jockey bought FA11 OFF. 
David Jason obviously bought DE11 BOY and there are rumours that
Jordan has bought ME11 ONS
but don't worry there's still a chance for you to get BA11 BAG or BE11 END.


 _))*

I'll have FA11 GUY, you can have DO11 PEN!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on March 16, 2011, 10:19:14 pm
 _))* Nah I'll have FA11 OUT or DO11 FIN
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on March 17, 2011, 08:51:08 am
What about - B1 GUN, B1 GUY,  OLD 1E,   SEX 1E,  DUN 1T,  BUT 1E,   SOD 1T,  the list goes on!    L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on March 17, 2011, 08:57:38 am
I'll stick with P155 OFF  L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on March 17, 2011, 08:58:46 am
Would be nice but the DVLA won't allow it!     _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on March 17, 2011, 09:02:46 am
I remember Fiona Fullerton  had the number FU 2 on her car

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 17, 2011, 07:09:54 pm
I remember Fiona Fullerton  had the number FU 2 on her car
Top totty in her day  D)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 20, 2011, 08:31:51 am
There were 2 old-maid sisters both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, Im not going to die a virgin Im going out and Im not coming home til Ive been laid!!

Betty says, Well, make sure youre home by 10 so I dont worry about you.

10 oclock rolls around and theres no sign of Gladys 11 oclock12 oclock

Finally about 1:30AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, Are you okay, Gladys??

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

What is it, Gladys??? Whats wrong? asks Betty.

Oh Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half youre gonna have the time of your life!!!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on March 25, 2011, 12:16:25 am
 ;D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on March 25, 2011, 12:56:06 am
Intended to put this in the interesting and amusing YouTube video section, however it does contain a few choice words.....

Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxi6QDwQyLU#ws)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on March 27, 2011, 03:40:35 pm
The little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores..

Well, he's a little p****d off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him that he’s not getting any pussy for a week, or should I?"
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 27, 2011, 11:10:33 pm
If it moves, nail it  _))*

smutley 360.flv (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8HnYvpvWPs#ws)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 28, 2011, 12:06:41 am
Do you ever wonder why......?

click for bigger picture
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on March 28, 2011, 09:44:47 pm
   An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
>
  'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
> confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
>
   The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
> Hail Mary's.'
>
   Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
> it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny
> Green twice a week for the past two months.'
>
  This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
>
  'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
>
  'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
>
  At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
> sermon, a tall,
>
  Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
> The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
> up  the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green
> and  very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
>
>      The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
> and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
> enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
>
  The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny  Green?'
>
> The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to  calmly reply,

   'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on March 31, 2011, 05:05:11 pm
He Grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.  Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
 
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.  "Just relax."
 
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.  My breath caught in my throat.  I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.  His touch was so experienced, so sure.
 
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.  My pulse was pounding.  I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage..  And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.  Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
 
Although I knew nothing about this man,  I felt oddly trusting and expectant.  This is a man, I thought.  A man used to taking charge.  A man not used to taking "No" for an answer.  A man who would tell me what he wanted.  A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Ma'am,  All done."
 
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.  "You can board your flight now."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on April 01, 2011, 01:30:34 am
How many passports do you have Bob?  ???
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: brumbob on April 02, 2011, 01:31:23 am
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.


He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,

"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons.

You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.

As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand

and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers:

"That's easy... Just follow the yellowdick Toad!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on April 29, 2011, 08:22:35 pm
A guy's just started at a chain store. At the end of the day the manager comes to him and asks

"how many sales did you have today?"
"One" replies the man.
"Only one?! Most employees have over ten in a day... How much was it for?"
"122,626 dollars" replies the man.
"Frost! What did you sell?"
"Well first I sold a guy a snorkel. After asking him where he was snorkelling we decided he'd need a boat to get there so I sold him one of our twin engine models. He then said that he didn't think his car would pull the boat, so I sold him a new 4 x 4."

"Well Frost me! You sold a guy a boat, and a four wheel drive all because he was going snorkeling?"

"No way!...
He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend. I said well since your weekends already Frosted you might as well go snorkelling."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on April 29, 2011, 09:55:12 pm
After a visit to the whore house,
 a man notices green lumps on his willy, 
so he goes to the doctors.
 “That’s serious” says the doctor.
 “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
 
 
 

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on May 01, 2011, 06:48:18 pm
A missionary goes to help out with a little African village. While there, one of the tribe's women has an albino baby. Immediately, the village gets into an uproar and wants to kill the white missionary for mingling with their women. The missionary goes on a long walk with the chief and explains to him about albinism, and the chief pretends to following along and understand.

They come across a clearing with some hills in the distance. The chief says, "Okay, I'll buy your albino story, but you must use it practically from now on in all your stories."

Confused, the missionary asks what he means.

"We both know the truth." Then the chief points to a herd of sheep on the top of one of the hills and says, "See that flock of sheep up there? You see that black one? You don't say anything, and I won't say anything."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on May 02, 2011, 05:15:45 am
After a visit to the whore house,
 a man notices green lumps on his willy, 
so he goes to the doctors.
 “That’s serious” says the doctor.
 “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”


Reminds me of the hobo who rode a freight train from Chicago to Los Angeles. He ended up with lumps in the same place.

The doctor told him he had a severe case of Box Car Willy  :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on May 09, 2011, 07:21:10 pm
No contributions from DONTHETURNER since mid February - anyone heard from him?   
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on May 10, 2011, 12:48:18 am
No contributions from DONTHETURNER since mid February - anyone heard from him?  

He was 'enjoying himself' in Thailand last I heard.  :laugh:




(I believe it's his niece  ;))

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on May 29, 2011, 05:38:26 pm
 
Irish man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted..

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

 

 


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on May 29, 2011, 05:58:39 pm
 L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Paddy on May 30, 2011, 04:44:49 am
Classic.  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on June 02, 2011, 09:47:05 pm
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.     

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
 
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some naughty boy's sent me a magnifying glass!   

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!   

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my A***! Do you think I should change dentists?     

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.   

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.*.N.T.S.. for short.     

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.   

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.   

The wife has been missing a week now.. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.   

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was 


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Quiggs on June 03, 2011, 05:31:09 pm
My wife told me to get a p-n-s enlarger, so I did, she is 21 and her name is Lucy.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on June 03, 2011, 11:31:31 pm
My wife told me to get a p-n-s enlarger, so I did, she is 21 and her name is Lucy.
L0L L0L L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on June 04, 2011, 10:00:11 am

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY…
 
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be p****d off than p****d on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
 
 
-----
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Quiggs on June 04, 2011, 12:11:55 pm
I just got thrown out and barred from Mc Donalds. When I went in there was this stunning young assistant there, I asked for a regular Burger, she replied that she could make it bigger for an additional 30p. I replied that she already had and would she finish it off for a £1-00.   :D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: barney on June 28, 2011, 12:56:34 pm
A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see

some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist?  What in tarnation is a

taxidermist?  Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on July 26, 2011, 11:35:25 am
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"  :votive:


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on August 10, 2011, 12:06:54 am
I wanted to put this in true stories but haven't due to the swearing.  I love reading letters like these  $good$

Subject: ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!
 
 
Dear Sirs,
 
 
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from
them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where
I was bloody born and on what date.
 
 
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving
license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.
 
 
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-f*****g-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when
I die!!!!!!
 
 
I apologise, I'm really p****d off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to
my house, then you ask me for my f*****g address !!!!
 
 
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for doggy doos sakes. I just want to
go and park my A*** on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone
please tell me, why would you give a doggy doos whether I plan on visiting a
farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something
weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last
f*****g people I'd want to tell!
 
 
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
poxy city to get another f*****g copy of my birth certificate, to the
tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in
the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same
day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then have to find some A*****e to confirm that
it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why
we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally p****d off!
 
 
Signed
 
 
An Irate Citizen.
 
 
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone
to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country
since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over
30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I
am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
f*****g PAKISTAN !
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
You Sure The Hell Should Know Who.
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on August 10, 2011, 01:51:57 am
 :laugh: Good one.

It's easy to tell it either started in the UK and was 'doctored' for the USA or vice-versa.

How is it that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from
them back in 1977


Well, my family has been in this country
since 1776 ..........
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on August 17, 2011, 10:18:39 am
Hehe Ludo your name comes from the old joke about having a tattoo on your nether regions and when erect spells "Llandudno" well my Hubby has "Hy" tattooed on his and when erect it spells
"Hello welcome to Wales hope you had a nice holiday"  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on August 17, 2011, 11:28:45 am
And I suppose you need a microscope to read such small writing!    L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Pendragon on August 17, 2011, 11:33:09 am
And I suppose you need a microscope to read such small writing!    L0L
Yorkie I'm sat here giggling away fair play that was a good answer  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on October 06, 2011, 07:22:52 am
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by
a young woman with three small children running around at her
feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a
child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,
we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in
what manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts
it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 23, 2011, 05:21:06 pm
 

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' 


The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.' 


'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 


'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'


'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'


'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 03, 2011, 03:28:42 pm
 
1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist silly billies. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".


4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the A*** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.


 
 
 
 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 03, 2011, 03:43:12 pm
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.   One boy said, "My father is better than your father."   The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."   The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

~~~~~~

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"   The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."   "Forget it, man - you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

~~~~~~~~~~
A raging storm was pounding a passenger plane.   The terrified passengers screamed certain of their imminent death.   A young women jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this!, I won't die like an animal, strapped into a chair.  If I must perish let me die feeling like a woman.  Who here is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"   A strapping, handsome young man arose, smiled, and made his way toward her.   As he approached, he tore off his shirt, his huge muscles rippling dramatically in the flashes of lightning.  He stood before her, shirt in hand, and said ...      "HERE, IRON THIS!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 04, 2011, 02:58:36 pm
 
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

-----------------------------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why men shouldn’t be Agony Aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.  I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.  They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.  Can you help me…I’m desperate.
 
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.

---------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

---------------------------------------------------

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

--------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered MacDonald’s serve breakfast until 11.30.

-------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

----------------------------------

Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s burning my bum”.

--------------------------------------------------------------

You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

-----------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on November 06, 2011, 11:49:43 pm
I get sent a lot of jokes Hugo, but there was some great original ones there!   L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on November 11, 2011, 08:36:57 am
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
---------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they DO make me look a bit gay.
---------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
---------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "What makes you think so?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He answered, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
---------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: snowcap on November 11, 2011, 10:43:48 pm

> A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
> tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had
> the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes.  The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"  The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.  So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out?
 Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Remember to smile at people . . . they will think you are up to something .
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 16, 2011, 04:49:43 pm
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him
for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that
he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1.It had
never been occupied; 2. There was plenty of heat; 3. It was small enough
to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too
large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on November 17, 2011, 09:40:35 am
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL  : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM  : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL  : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM  : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL  : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!





Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on January 02, 2012, 09:43:28 am
Subject: Pure Logic


 Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

 The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

 Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

 Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

 Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

 On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

 Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
 Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

 Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

 Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

 Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?

 Pat: - Er ... mmm ......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

 Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

 Pat: - It's in a pond!

 Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

 Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

 Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you  have a large garden then you have a large house?

 Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!

 Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

 Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

 Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

 Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

 Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

 Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

 Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

 Pat: - How's that then?

 Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

 Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

 Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

 Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

 Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

 Seamus: - What's that then?

 Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

 Seamus: - Nope

 Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on January 09, 2012, 08:25:20 pm
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's alright, it's only golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on January 28, 2012, 05:08:01 pm
IT'S STARTED!!

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two jocks in the bar.
They told the divers to sod off as they are on an all inclusive & have got 3 days left!
 
 
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky reporter said "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court".
I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off!
 
 
Popped in a Costa's for a coffee today and when asked how I would like it, I said "on the rocks please".
Apparently you can't get a Costa like that despite what's been seen on TV!
 
 
Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners.
Apparently "Dancing On The Ceiling" does not have the same appeal anymore!
 
 
George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner
saying "I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising!
 
 
Paddy & Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight".
Murphy says "Everyone will be watching the band".
Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight".
Murphy says "I definitely heard some fucker say "a band on ship"!
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on February 24, 2012, 03:12:15 pm
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?'  asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.


'Oh, I'm sorry,'  says the cop, 'I  didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on March 04, 2012, 11:20:33 am
Just  been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for
half an hour and started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
everything – Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was still
going.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain
should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the
Giro.

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life. I've just
seen the trailer.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. “I've been ringing 08001730 for
2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone?”  Girl behind the
counter points out those are the opening times.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs
back.

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on March 06, 2012, 03:26:49 pm
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead sex-life.  She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.  At strategic moments she
uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are
you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the
sofa.

He never heard the gunshot.
 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on March 18, 2012, 03:54:22 pm

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day

Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view'

Isn't the best way to announce number 69


 
I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies

She'll have a fit when she finds out


 
Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool......

Couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days


 
Harry Redknapp says he'll only do the England job for the Euro's

As long as they are used and untraceable


 
Tottenham Hotspurs 2nd team have returned to normal training

Now they have finished their jury service


 
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take

a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag. Extra clothing including a scarf, hat and gloves

24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, safety

triangle, tow rope,  petrol can, first aid kit, jump leads

I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning


 
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,

A French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided

If she can't hold down a job, she's not for him


 
A sexy black woman in the pub last night said

'You fancy walking me home big boy?'

I said 'get lost, Africa's 5617 miles away
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on March 18, 2012, 11:37:14 pm
Some great ones there Hugo.... and some new ones too.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on March 19, 2012, 09:30:38 am
Excellent, Hugo :-))
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Bri Roberts on March 19, 2012, 10:30:06 am
Confucius did NOT say...
 
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally, Confucius DID say...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 15, 2012, 07:03:57 pm
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would
be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
 
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges
may vary).
 
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
 
 
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but
I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
beer belly.

 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2012, 09:26:40 am
I'm sure Fester said he was going to update us all with his latest selection of Jimmy Saville jokes...
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Mikethewatch on October 16, 2012, 10:36:52 am


Fresh allegations....
(http://imageshack.us/a/img846/9813/rodn.jpg)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2012, 11:23:48 am
 :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SDQ on October 16, 2012, 12:48:57 pm
I'm sure Fester said he was going to update us all with his latest selection of Jimmy Saville jokes...


Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

Aged 14? Itchy fanny? You need Savile-on!

FOR SALE:-
Nearly new headstone, hardly used. Just need's a bit of touching up... Contact:-
howzaboutthatthen.com

When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end?
Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied "that was Jimmy Savile"

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

What's brown, about 10 inches long, stinks & you would not want to find it on your kids bedroom carpet?
Jimmy Savile's Cigar!

JJB are doing Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits.. They have an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.

I will not hear a bad word said about Jimmy Savile.
He fixed it for me to go camping with Gary Glitter!

Susan Boyle has returned her Jim'll Fix It badge out of total disgust at the way she was treated by him after appearing in his show, he never laid a hand on her.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2012, 01:07:59 pm
  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Mikethewatch on October 16, 2012, 05:38:04 pm
You can say what you like about Jimmy Savile, at least he slowed down when he drove past a school!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2012, 06:03:49 pm
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2012, 08:03:03 pm
I've just found out that Jimmy Saville molested my Dad!! I can't believe he was on 'Top of my Pops'!

I thang yew....
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2012, 08:04:37 pm
What's the connection between Jimmy Saville and Acne?

Fester said he would give the punchline later...  8) :o
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on October 16, 2012, 08:14:38 pm
Could be that they come all over your face when you reach 14.    Or maybe another reason!    :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on October 17, 2012, 10:18:18 am
One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent.....seen here with Jimmy Saville.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 17, 2012, 10:29:16 am
 L0L  _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 05, 2012, 11:36:53 am
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 11, 2012, 10:33:03 am

The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed
that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current
picture of each of the women and a picture of each of them taken in the
1970s.The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
                                            -------------------


Abu Hamza is being deported to the States.
It's been a long time since the Americans have been excited about a Muslim
flying towards them.

                                    ----------------------
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said
she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years
together !!!!

                                            -------------------

Got my Halloween costume sorted, I'm gonna wear a blonde wig, tracksuit,
Gold chains & a cigar. That should scare the little buggers away.
                                          ------------------

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the
cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it
for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it
then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

                                              ------------------------

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try
anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
                                                -----------------------

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal
Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

                                                -----------------------
                                                ------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
                                                ---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

                                                -------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

                                                  -------------------------

2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

                                                  ----------------------


----------------------------
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on March 25, 2013, 08:17:40 am
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps..He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

    As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.  Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.  He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

    The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

    He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

    She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
   "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing back flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on March 25, 2013, 08:27:32 am
The husband was in pure ecstasy …… a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes and a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, “totally in the moment” as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him….then equally rapidly, backwards away from him. She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well ….first , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be    repeated with increasing pace and anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion……. sometimes in a series of short urgent spurts of movement….. but always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... she was starting to sweat but she was so totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor would she have cared even if she had recognized it…… her focus was solely and  totally upon her husband.

Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan….. at first, a soft, barely audible whimper escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly as her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence. Her moans rising in volume, frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder. She began mumbling several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush…….
She was totally oblivious to the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer ……she let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,
 
 
"OK, OK!.... You’re right !!! I CAN'T park the f..king car! ………  You do it, you SMUG naughty boy!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on March 25, 2013, 09:23:12 am
 _))* both very funny!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on March 26, 2013, 03:48:59 pm
This is a great joke... courtesy of OSCAR!


A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $35."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your F**KING brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on March 26, 2013, 05:29:17 pm
 L0L L0L
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on April 10, 2013, 10:17:03 am
I took a dyslexic bird back to my house last night, she ended up cooking my sock!

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on May 09, 2013, 08:21:29 am
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on June 12, 2013, 07:18:00 am
Bot strictly a joke as such, but the funniest Amazon review ever written:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A2MK841G552A2D/ref=cm_pdp_rev_more?ie=UTF8&sort_by=MostRecentReview#RMSBINADT0S6S (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A2MK841G552A2D/ref=cm_pdp_rev_more?ie=UTF8&sort_by=MostRecentReview#RMSBINADT0S6S)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on June 12, 2013, 07:33:42 am
 _))* just seen it on Facebook too!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on July 31, 2013, 03:55:57 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on August 17, 2013, 10:56:38 am
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab  the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says,

"Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on August 17, 2013, 10:59:28 am


A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on September 01, 2013, 11:41:34 pm
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite

cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.


It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.


      They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.


They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,

the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,

the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to

the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.


"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.


When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.


If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"


The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.


"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:


"My wife is from Scotland"




Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Trojan on September 02, 2013, 07:47:14 pm
 8)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on September 05, 2013, 08:32:20 pm
Sorry, a copy and paste that did not work!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 05, 2013, 09:03:36 pm
8)

 _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 29, 2013, 01:08:01 pm
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe
store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in
the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much
...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves
the price of the shoes, $300,
and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'



Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!
 
 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: born2run on December 13, 2013, 12:22:24 pm
How come swearing is not allowed on this forum but racism is?
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 13, 2013, 12:37:33 pm
It isn't mate... but humour is!  (and it is subjective, 'Englishman, Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar etc..etc..')

B2R, seeing as you have just texted me with some pretty 'choice' language of your own, I must assume that your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek as you post this.  As mine was when I posted the joke.  :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on December 13, 2013, 08:17:08 pm
Why would any one want to write swear words or expletives on such a Forum as this?   ZXZ
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: born2run on December 13, 2013, 09:38:34 pm
It isn't mate... but humour is!  (and it is subjective, 'Englishman, Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar etc..etc..')

B2R, seeing as you have just texted me with some pretty 'choice' language of your own, I must assume that your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek as you post this.  As mine was when I posted the joke.  :laugh: :laugh:

You should be a politician Mr Fester  $good$
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Llechwedd on December 14, 2013, 11:53:43 am
When I complained about the number of golliwogs being sold in the town I was told I was racist?  Yet apparently you are allowed to post a racist "joke".  Tasteless you should be ashamed but of course you wont be.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 14, 2013, 01:37:25 pm
I wasn't at sure about the 'joke' when I first saw it, but given the disquiet some have shown I've removed it.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 14, 2013, 01:39:13 pm
Quote
When I complained about the number of golliwogs being sold in the town I was told I was racist?

Were you complaining there were too few or too many?
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 15, 2013, 12:34:48 am
Disquiet Ian??   What Disquiet?     Lechwedd and B2R??   Ian, You have become the joke now.

B2R is my darts buddy, and penned his post from a completely tongue in cheek angle, to wind me up. Congratulations Dave, you did what you set out to do. (apart from the fact I rarely read the forum these days)

Llechwedd has been waiting for months, if not years to have a pop at me in response to her direct jab at people of English descent having the temerity to retire to Wales.    So well done Sweetheart, I hope you sleep soundly tonight. You have never come close to realising what a joke you became long ago.

Ian, given the dubious content of this thread, (which is what it was designed for) I suggest that you delete about 87% of what went before, using the same criteria.
We can all get back to discussing butterflies and knitting.


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 15, 2013, 08:42:54 am
Quote
Ian, given the dubious content of this thread, (which is what it was designed for) I suggest that you delete about 87% of what went before, using the same criteria.

There's no need to become so personal in your responses, Fester; it makes you sound petulant.

Looking at it dispassionately, the 'joke' was in poor taste, in my view. It relied on racist slang for its effect and - when I first read it - not only did it not seem remotely amusing but it left what I can only describe as a nasty taste, for a variety of reasons.

Many of the jokes in here are not to my taste, but that's fine:  they don't have to be because we all have different tolerances and appreciations of what is funny. But this is the first example I can remember of what can be described as a racist joke. I didn't do anything when it first appeared but I admit that the comments made subsequently, allied to my own sense of unease, in addition to long experience with forums where I know that for every written complaint there will probably be about ten more muttering behind the scenes, meant the wisest course of action was to remove it.

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Nemesis on December 15, 2013, 08:53:55 am
Disquiet Ian??   What Disquiet?     Lechwedd and B2R??   Ian, You have become the joke now.

B2R is my darts buddy, and penned his post from a completely tongue in cheek angle, to wind me up. Congratulations Dave, you did what you set out to do. (apart from the fact I rarely read the forum these days)

Llechwedd has been waiting for months, if not years to have a pop at me in response to her direct jab at people of English descent having the temerity to retire to Wales.    So well done Sweetheart, I hope you sleep soundly tonight. You have never come close to realising what a joke you became long ago.

Ian, given the dubious content of this thread, (which is what it was designed for) I suggest that you delete about 87% of what went before, using the same criteria.
We can all get back to discussing butterflies and knitting.

Each to their own Fester-- you stick to heavy metal--spending money--and getting at other members.

Merry Christmas by the way !!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 15, 2013, 01:37:44 pm
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


Not petulant Ian, just acutely aware of the agendas that certain people have when posting on Forums / Blogs etc.
A trait that a moderator should employ, I feel.
You say that many silent complaints were hiding behind the 2 posted ones.  Well, that's an incredible deduction given that the two posted ones were not genuine!!

The hypocrisy of the recent comments is made all the more stark to me, given the nature of the above joke that you yourself posted.   (amongst quite a collection of yours which ridiculed Irish people, blonde women... etc, etc)

I also note the B2R has been conspicuous by his absence, since lighting the blue touchpaper on this one??    Speak up Dave please, if your integrity will permit you, just how offended WERE you exactly?  Hmmm.




Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 15, 2013, 02:43:48 pm
Quote
You say that many silent complaints were hiding behind the 2 posted ones.  Well, that's an incredible deduction given that the two posted ones were not genuine!!

Are you saying the two posted comments were not, in fact, posted by the people concerned?  Or that they were, in fact, simply jokes? If the former, then I'd be grateful for the evidence.  If the latter, then I'd have expected jokes to be signed as such.  We have plenty of smilies. 

Quote
The hypocrisy of the recent comments is made all the more stark to me, given the nature of the above joke that you yourself posted.   (amongst quite a collection of yours which ridiculed Irish people, blonde women... etc, etc)

Hmmm.  Well, the one you chose was a very light one about religion - not race, and I'm sorry if you feel anything I've ever posted has ridiculed anyone. All those were simply copied and pasted from another site, and are all in the public domain. None has ever been described as racist.

I'm also sorry you can't see the difference between bathos and racism. I'm afraid I cannot see how employing the epithet 'spade' in direct reference to Nelson Mandela can be seen as anything other than racist language, at the very least.

Quote
Not petulant Ian

Well, describing people as becoming 'jokes' sounds a tad petulant. And I know you don't like being the butt of jokes yourself...
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 16, 2013, 11:44:40 am
You seem to be an expert in psychoanalysis now Ian?   
We don't know each other well enough for you to know what I like and don't like, (other than Star Trek, where I am four-square behind you)

Anyhow, I am disappointed that B2R texted me 3 times last night and set the record straight about this, but has failed to post it here.

As for 'Bathos v Racism', I'm afraid you are way too intelligent for me Ian, (as usual) and I have no idea what that even means.





Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 16, 2013, 12:28:19 pm
Quote
You seem to be an expert in psychoanalysis now Ian?   
We don't know each other well enough for you to know what I like and don't like

I think your reactions to those topics in which you've been the target of mild ribbing says it all. I can produce the quotes, if you wish...
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 16, 2013, 12:57:05 pm
Of course you could Ian, because that is what you do.
To prove your points you will use many reference sources, in order to defeat and batter your 'supposed' opponent into submission.  Indeed I will say that you are renowned for it!

The very definition of 'Passive Aggressive' being demonstrated here.

I am regularly the butt of many jokes, and I quite often willingly invite ridicule upon myself, I am not precious about it.
But do what you want Ian, because I've lost interest to be honest.
I''m sure you won't be able to to leave the subject alone, until you have achieved the 'victory' that you crave.  &shake&
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 16, 2013, 01:03:34 pm
Quote
Quote
You seem to be an expert in psychoanalysis now Ian?   

Quote
The very definition of 'Passive Aggressive' being demonstrated here.

Quote
To prove your points you will use many reference sources

Well, let's not forget where this all started...


 WWW WWW WWW
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on December 16, 2013, 03:18:23 pm
I think we all would benefit from hearing Mr Born2Run's views on the matter.  :cyclist40:
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 16, 2013, 04:14:12 pm
Indeed, and I did receive yet another text from him on the subject only this afternoon.  But still nothing here.

Strange, seeing as he isn't usually shy at expressing his opinions.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: born2run on December 17, 2013, 10:59:48 am
 >>> Gosh!

Well yesterday I was otherwise engaged. Apologies Fester, I wasn't purposely staying away to make you look bad.
The original joke I think had a racist content, not that it particularly offended me in any way, but I can quite see how it might offend others. Bad language doesn't offend me in the slightest but it irks me that this is ****** asterixed out!
So I was merely pointing out that if we are going to censor bad language we should also sensor such jokes.
I've known Fester a long time and am certain that he is not remotely racist and I find his views and opinions on here quite provacative and challenging - so if anyone does find Fester's dummy please can they chuck it pier wards as quickly as possible as I for one would miss Fester's cheery posts  $good$!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DaveR on December 17, 2013, 11:14:22 am
The bad language censoring is done automatically, there's no means of censoring jokes the same way and I certainly don't have time to waste checking every joke posted to make sure it doesn't offend anyone.

Perhaps the easiest solution would be to just get rid of the adult jokes thread completely?



Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 17, 2013, 11:50:09 am
Ian, many thanks for the private message, (unrelated to this topic) which I have just read.

I cannot reply to that as I am not 'switched on', however... there is indeed a lot they can do for cataracts, if they CHOOSE to.

My ophthalmic surgeon, (who turned up for only one out of five of my appointments), told me that despite it being an advancing one, no doctor would operate on it for a few years.
He then sent me away with a leaflet telling me that 'Cataracts are easily dealt with these days, and are not left to worsen'

I was also referred to the 'Cataract Pathway Team', who have a 16 week waiting time.
50 weeks later, neither my GP or I have heard anything from them!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 17, 2013, 12:17:46 pm
Hmmm.. It ought not to be that way, but it does seem that to get treatment for non-life threatening conditions you all too often have to make something of an issue.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 17, 2013, 12:50:52 pm
Hmmm.. It ought not to be that way, but it does seem that to get treatment for non-life threatening conditions you all too often have to make something of an issue.

Indeed, 2014 will be the year of the 'Assertive Fester', where medical matters are concerned.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on December 17, 2013, 02:07:18 pm
I had a cataract operation in 1990 and it does not seem as though things have improved getting treatment.  I asked when i would be done and told six months.  I then told them I would have it done privately, and lo and behold  the NHS did it within a couple of weeks.   Whether this will happen now, I don't know but will soon find out as my other eye has a cataract forming.
  $walesflag$
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on December 18, 2013, 01:24:49 pm
Merry Christmas to all my readers!   And a Happy and Peaceful 2014.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 18, 2013, 01:58:55 pm
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Merddin Emrys on December 18, 2013, 02:04:30 pm
 _))*  _))*. Merry Christmas!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: mull on December 18, 2013, 05:52:56 pm
Good to see the jokes are back again    $good$
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on December 21, 2013, 08:24:06 am
F: this is for Less Clean jokes only.  You'll have to find a place where you can post Racist jokes, I'm afraid.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Fester on December 21, 2013, 09:21:43 pm
It's OK Ian..... I did it for pure devilment that's all......   WWW WWW........ and 'someone' put me up to it, purely to test the reactions of his fellow moderator. 
His name shall remain anonymous, but I can reveal that his initials begin with Dave Roberts.  :laugh: :laugh:

I commend your speedy reflexes, Sir!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Tosh on December 21, 2013, 10:17:51 pm
My mate who is dyslexic told me this, honest.
He thought that he had found the memorial to Nelson Madela but it turned out that it was, wait for it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

                                                        NISSAN MAIN DEALER

                                                                     sorry.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on January 28, 2014, 10:58:36 pm
" Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on February 04, 2014, 07:44:52 pm
Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?

I was in a Nero Coffee Shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

This is what happens when senior citizens use technology!  :-}}}
Title: Re: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on February 04, 2014, 08:26:12 pm
I'll listen for you next time i'm in there!   :D

Another of my Mother's pearls of wisdom.  " i'm off out Mum!  Back soon."
"OK, Son, just remember that if you'e not in bed by 9 o'clock, you might as well come home!"
 _))*
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on February 07, 2014, 09:39:43 pm
.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on February 24, 2014, 12:08:56 pm
One of the funniest I've ever heard:

DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days ?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James
had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed
James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like something to
drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked
interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said..

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt
and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella
burst into the house  and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the Twist!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on September 09, 2014, 03:59:15 pm
The wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down just a couple of miles north of the capital.
What a third world doggy doos hole!
Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us and the missus stood out in her sundress as all other women wore head-to-toe burkas.
We are so dead I thought.

Anyway, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had
an Underground station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and then on to Kabul from Heathrow!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Yorkie on October 22, 2014, 12:32:57 pm

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/car/dirty#ixzz3Gs9Z8UM9 (http://www.joke-db.com/c/car/dirty#ixzz3Gs9Z8UM9)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: snowcap on January 17, 2015, 10:23:52 pm
 Subject: A Cow's Tail
>
>
>
> A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
>
> Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
>
> 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
>
> We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
>
> 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's A***.
>
> Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
>
> 'I don't remember much after
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 09, 2015, 10:27:12 pm
Something to think about?
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: snowcap on November 04, 2015, 09:13:04 pm
  50 Shades of Grey

               We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book
               club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted
               Roberts, who is himself an author lauded for his timeless
               work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came
               up with an interesting suggestion.  He said his wife thought
               that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of
               Grey" as we might learn something from it.  Someone
               thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.
               The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with
               some notes relating to their experience of reading the book
               and its relevance to our activities.

               At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house,
               where the members recounted the literary impact of the novel.
               Here are their experiences:
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Bill Carruthers, 74

               We tried various positions – round the back, on the side,
               up against a wall.
               But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the
               garden was the only place for a good shed.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Nick Enwright, 86

               She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
               “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do
               whatever you want with me.”
               So I took her to B&Q.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Ted Roberts, 79

               She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at
               first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with
               pleasure. Now for the other boot.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Tom Entwhistle, 73

               Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds
               of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into
               the shed, though.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Jack Farthing, 78

               “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed,
               calmly.
               “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
               “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all
               that asbestos in the shed roof.”
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               John Hardcastle, 72

               “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip.
               “I need to be punished.”
               So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
               ------------------------------------------------------------------

               Colin Horrocks, 65

               “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
               “Harder!”
               “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product
               of Nicaragua?”
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Malcolm Riddock, 75

               I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
               Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had
               come up a treat.
               ------------------------------------------------------------------

               Allen Cardly, 74

               “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded,
               brandishing stilettos.
               “I think so,” I gulped.
               “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

               Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over
               my workbench.
               “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat A*** and
               no dress sense.”
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Nicholas Benchley, 53

               “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m
               done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She
               nodded.
               “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite
               on eBay.
               ------------------------------------------------------------------

               Toby Williams, 60

               “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a
               real man can!”
               “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat
               up.
 



Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on November 05, 2015, 07:43:25 am
 _))* _))* _))* _))* _))*

Excellent!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on December 03, 2015, 03:14:43 pm
Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-ententes ever aired on TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis' misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on December 18, 2015, 03:09:25 pm
 I bought some 'Jamie Oliver
Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick
with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with
that!

When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't
leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

I had a row
with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric
conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must
have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for
Comfort.

Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a
loo!

I’ve swapped our bed for a
trampoline. My wife hit the roof!

Two Thai
girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said
it would be just like winning the Lottery! I agreed, and
they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we
had six matching balls
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SDQ on March 24, 2016, 11:51:37 pm
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!


A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! b****r off you filthy old naughty boy!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DownUnder on March 26, 2016, 10:49:47 am
DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
(But applicable to a number of other States/Territories)

August 31
 Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
 Now this is a town that knows how to live!
 Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
 I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
 It was beautiful.
 I've finally found my new home.
 I love it here.

September 13
 Really heating up now.
 It got to 31 today.
 No problem though.
 Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
 What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
 I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
 Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
 Lots of palms and rocks.
 No more mowing lawns for me!
 Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
 It's Paradise !

October 10
 The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
 How do people get used to this kind of heat?
 At least today it's windy though.
 Keeps the flies off a bit.
 Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
 Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
 Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
 Missed three days off work.
 What a dumb thing to do..
 Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
 By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
 The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh!t.
 I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
 - This wind is a b@st@rd.
 It feels like a giant f#$king blow dryer.
 And it's hot as hell!
 The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f#$king Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f#$king air conditioner.
 House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
 Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
 Why the hell did I ever come here?

 November 4
 Finally got the f#$king air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
 Stupid repairman.
 F#$king thief.

November 8
 - If one more smart b@st@rd says 'Hot enough for you today?'
 I'm going to f#$king throttle him.
 F#$king heat!
 By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my f#$king clothes are soaking f#$king wet and I smell like baked cat.
 F#$king place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
 I thought my f#$king ar$e was on fire.
 I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f#$king ar$e.
 Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried ar$e and baked cat.
 F#$k. F#$k. F#$k.

November 10
 -- The Weather report might as well be a f#$king recording..
 Hot and sunny.
 Hot and sunny, Hot and f#$king sunny.
 It never f#$king changes!
 It's been too hot to do anything for 2 f#$king months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
 F#$k!

November 15
 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f#$king place?
 Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f#$king pool.
 The only things that thrive in this f#$king hell-hole are the f#$king flies.
 You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little b@st@rds!

November 20
 - Welcome to HELL!
 It got to 45 f#$kin' degrees today.
 Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
 The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
 I wanted to shove the f#$king car up his f#$king ar$e.
 Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid pr!ck.
 F#$king Karratha!
 What kind of sick, demented f#$king idiot would want to live here!
 
December 1
 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
 You are f#$king kidding me!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DownUnder on March 26, 2016, 11:37:28 am
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. 

The barman notices the man has a steering wheel poking out the top of his pants. "What's that thing?" he asked nodding toward the steering wheel. 

The man shrugged his shoulders saying "I've got no idea, but it's driving me nuts".
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on July 10, 2016, 01:17:28 pm
Friend sent me this..........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv9-1Iiaxf8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv9-1Iiaxf8)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DownUnder on July 11, 2016, 11:29:47 am
Friend sent me this..........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv9-1Iiaxf8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv9-1Iiaxf8)

Mucking Farvolous!!!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on February 05, 2017, 12:14:13 pm
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the  Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where  to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on February 05, 2017, 12:24:46 pm
The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee. That my good man is aplomb.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on February 15, 2017, 04:11:29 pm
I have a confession  ........
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: snowcap on May 05, 2017, 11:43:03 pm
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
 
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, ‘You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers.  He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless.’
 
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.  ‘Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.’
 
'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.  I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division.  I have researched the history of...’
 
At that point, the colonel interrupted, ‘Yes, yes. Never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.  Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f--k off.’
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on June 09, 2017, 04:12:34 pm

Today a friend's wife said to him,

"Honey, get off your rear and fix that gutter downspout!  And, I want it done before the end of the day!"

Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend,  most of our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"

So, I invited some of my neighbourhood buddies over to help withthe project.

One is a sheet metal fabricator.

One brought his welder.

One brought beer and Nachos.

One brought a grill and burgers.

Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
 
As usual, the wife is still not happy!

Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!

Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Ian on July 30, 2017, 11:04:07 am
This is worth a watch, especially for any ex-REME folk out there:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp8hvyjZWHs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp8hvyjZWHs)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Quiggs on August 01, 2017, 05:07:48 pm
 Yep, that's me. 'Hic hic '
Quote
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on December 19, 2017, 01:35:12 pm
Laugh ye not

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.  No one responds.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: snowcap on February 28, 2018, 08:30:04 pm
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on April 23, 2018, 05:55:21 pm
A glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine  and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it 's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of doggy doos.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I 'm doing it as a public service
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on August 17, 2018, 03:08:57 pm
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.
 
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on May 31, 2019, 02:34:53 pm
I have just received this, thought you might enjoy.........
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on June 27, 2019, 07:02:26 pm
 It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were all hypnotised.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"doggy doos," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back.

 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on November 06, 2019, 11:39:24 am
New NHS test
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on February 22, 2020, 01:42:29 pm
Subject: Here is old age at its best!

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss politics and world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.





 



 
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: snowcap on February 23, 2020, 10:48:38 pm
Wife=do you want something to eat
Husband= Whats the choice
Wife=Yes Or F---ing No
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Cordyline on May 13, 2020, 10:34:26 am
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they decided to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone"

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents" Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor.

And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the F*cking Arab.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on August 26, 2020, 10:16:55 am

Few More.........

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 09, 2020, 02:17:41 pm
Before I get any rude comments I must point out that this e-mail was received from a friend        ;D

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store, buying a large bag of "My Dog" dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had? An elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with "My Dog" nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's A*** and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on October 09, 2020, 06:05:07 pm
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her   period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy   kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and   impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take   charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally,   if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins,   they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However,   if there is a miscarriage,   what do you suggest I do?' At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You gonna try again!!'
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 11, 2020, 05:07:38 pm
Lucky old Tim!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-d8sZifgq8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-d8sZifgq8)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Blongb on November 09, 2020, 02:01:19 pm
The Scottish Brothel”

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies

Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.


He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."


Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied,  "  Edinburgh."

"Really," she said.

 "I have family in Edinburgh   .."

"I know." the man said..

 "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer, She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death

2.  Taxes

3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on November 09, 2020, 03:17:01 pm
Blongb, great joke, I know Milngavie well, the area would only allow high class and expensive brothel to open there  :-[...and the name Milngavie causes a lot of trouble for visitors, it is pronounced Mul-guy.

PS I have an uncle there, I'll send him a copy....  $good$         
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on November 11, 2020, 04:04:53 pm
I had a reply from Scotland, plus............

                                                                                Can you help?

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a Covid secure corporate box for the next England v Scotland game Thursday 15th November. He paid £300  each but he didn’t realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at Aldershot Registry Office at 4 pm.  The bride’s name is Sarah – she’s 5’5”, about 9 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 14, 2020, 03:16:45 pm
Where's Fred?
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 21, 2020, 04:44:13 pm
How to pose for a dating profile picture   
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 29, 2020, 10:50:43 am
My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and  one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was

a sign attached that said..... ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....

Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a

sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

 WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week ! .........

You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly

broke my ribs, and said,  'That's once a day .

You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

 I looked at her and said,  'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow...'

My condition has been upgraded  from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on December 02, 2020, 01:49:04 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on December 05, 2020, 12:35:59 pm
In the swim-meet, after the blond
came in last competing in
the breast-stroke, she
complained to the judges
that

“all the
other girls were using
their arms.”
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on January 28, 2021, 12:08:04 pm
The end of an era for Trump

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting
 for him.

 "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I
 have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll
 tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't
 quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
 their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
 Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

 The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
 pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
 over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
 "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
 don't think I could do that all day long."

 The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
 sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
 hammer, time after time after time.
 "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
 agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose.
 Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah,
 I can handle this."

 The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on February 03, 2021, 10:27:57 am
 :o
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on February 03, 2021, 12:26:38 pm
 
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.           
 
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."           
 
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."           
 
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"           
 
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.           
 
What does your wife look like?'           
 
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."           
 
   
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on February 21, 2021, 04:51:32 pm
Here's an e-mail I received with some strange facts:-
 
1)   If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of  an atomic bomb.

 (Now that's more like it!)

(I already have 2 bombs)

 
2)    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

 3)   A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)


4)   A cockroach will live nine days without its   head  before it starves to death. (Creepy)

 (I'm still not over the pig.)


5)    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)


6)     The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the…?)

 
7)     The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 
8)      The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 
9)      Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

 
10)       Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 11)     The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm…….)

 
12)      Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


13)      Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 
14)     A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 
15)      An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 (I know some people like that.)

 
16)       Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

 
17)        Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 
18)  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your   turn  to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!

(and you gotta   love  that pig!)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on March 16, 2021, 10:12:44 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on March 30, 2021, 09:56:14 am
I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this,  I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad 
“It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little XXXXXXX's name is Kevin.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on April 01, 2021, 02:39:55 pm
 
Aussie Counselling At its best…!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless bloke who was wandering by stopped and said,

"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! b****r off you filthy old naughty boy!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Counselling can work!!!
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on April 02, 2021, 10:23:30 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on April 06, 2021, 10:23:14 am
IRSH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that, he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.


His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone


at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly


smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……


‘F*** off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral





Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on April 11, 2021, 03:33:09 pm
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge breasts without surgery. She decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup chest!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.


Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?"

"Yes I am. How did you know‽"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on July 23, 2021, 02:47:25 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on July 27, 2021, 10:17:57 am
  ))*   Sorry
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: DownUnder on September 06, 2021, 08:12:45 am
My mate told me about a bloke he knows who likes to dip his testicles in glitter every morning. Pretty Nuts hey?
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on September 15, 2021, 02:36:51 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: mull on September 16, 2021, 10:53:34 am
Warning.

Do not wear Russian underpants or your Chernobyl will fall out.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on September 20, 2021, 03:04:23 pm
YouTube Dustin Hoffmans Flea Joke on Graham Norton Show

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KteK6f0Xhs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KteK6f0Xhs)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on September 21, 2021, 02:32:35 pm
Chap goes to the Doctor's. Doctor said "You have a rare disease called MDK 237.

You have 3 days to live."

He tells his Old Mum.

She says "Come to Bingo with me tonight it will cheer you up."

He said "But I have MDK 237. Three days to live."

Anyway He goes along.

He wins every game, lines, full houses, four corners and even the roll over jackpot!

He goes for his winnings at the end.

Bingo caller says to him. "You must be the luckiest man alive! Winning every game, jackpot, the lot!"

Man says "LUCKY? LUCKY?!"

"I've got MDK 237!"


Bingo caller says "F**K ME! You've won the raffle as well!"
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on October 01, 2021, 03:56:21 pm
Fun truths of life and words of wisdom

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

SIMPLE TRUTH 3 No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: Hugo on November 10, 2021, 05:10:55 pm
I had a look around this place today but what is it called and where is it in N Wales      $walesflag$
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on December 08, 2021, 12:00:34 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on February 04, 2022, 09:53:19 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on December 16, 2022, 10:20:32 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
Post by: SteveH on June 15, 2023, 10:28:41 am
 :D