Three Towns Forum

Members' Lounge => Games, Jokes & Quizzes => Topic started by: Ian on September 03, 2010, 03:14:15 pm

Title: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 03, 2010, 03:14:15 pm
Only for the mild of manner
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 07, 2010, 01:05:37 pm
Coleen, Do you fancy getting your own back on Wayne? If you do give me a call,     Love John Terry
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 07, 2010, 01:21:07 pm
The disgraced Pakistani Cricket Team players are now working in a Curry House in Leeds.   Slip 'em a couple of quid with your order and they'll guarantee that you won't get any Runs!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 07, 2010, 01:54:48 pm
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 07, 2010, 01:55:07 pm
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 07, 2010, 01:55:27 pm
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket
seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on September 07, 2010, 02:09:58 pm
 _))*  :P  D)  L0L  :twoface:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 08, 2010, 03:37:27 pm
Phoned the Council to ask if I could have a skip outside the house tomorrow, The guy said you can cartwheel round the block for all I care ! D) D) D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: JasonW on September 10, 2010, 02:55:22 pm
Quiggs: I do like that one.   _))*  _))*  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Nemesis on September 10, 2010, 03:33:56 pm
So do I <:<:<:<
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 10, 2010, 05:58:03 pm
A blonde gets a job as a teacher, she noticed a boy on his own whist the others were running around, she asked if he was OK. yes he replied. She said you can play with the others over there, he said it would be better if he stayed. She said why is that, because I'm the GOALKEEPER! D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 11, 2010, 12:44:36 pm
 I recall shouting at Rooney during the world cup, " you fat useless lump, you couldn't score in a brothel "  How stupid do I feel now !! :england2:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: nettle on September 12, 2010, 04:08:00 pm
Alex Ferguson held a 80's party at Old Trafford

Giggs turned up in a cortina

Scholes was in a capri

And Rooney just come in a old Escort............... ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 14, 2010, 01:14:48 pm
Good Morning, this is Pakistani Radio Sports News................... Here are tomorrow's Cricket results.   ZXZ
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 18, 2010, 04:16:23 pm
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 18, 2010, 04:17:01 pm
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that
almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6
P.M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip
up on them and missed the 6 P.M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6 P.M. each
day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water
clock. "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6 P.M.," he said.
"Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P.M. each
evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was
6 P.M. by the color change and could consistently get to the 6 P.M. meetings on time. Needless to say, this
pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite
market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one
junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch."

This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should
be called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding
for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would ensure that you would be
informed when it reached 6 P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision:

"We shall call it a timeband, and

in honour of the Great Alexander,

it shall be known as:

 'Alexander's Rag Timeband'.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 21, 2010, 02:48:53 pm
Why do all blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead?   
Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it! _))*

What do you call a smart blond?   
A golden retriever. D)

What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?   
Pull the pin and throw it back. L0L

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?   
To see what was on the other side. :-*

How do blonde braincells die ?   
Alone. :speechless:

How do you brainwash a blonde?   
Give her a douche and shake her upside down. :weeping:

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?   
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Z**
Title: Police introduce new e-fit system
Post by: Yorkie on September 21, 2010, 06:44:14 pm
Hampshire Police have announced the immediate replacement of their e-fit software with the significantly more realistic drawings of suspected criminals created by five year-old children.

Police have admitted having technical issues with their previous e-fit of a burglary suspect, but claim the new sketch by five year-old Jack Dawkins is a much more realistic likeness.

The new image shows the suspect to be approximately eight foot tall, with a seventeen inch waist and head circumference of two metres, which witnesses say is a siginificant improvement on the lettuce-headed first attempt created using a hugely-expensive computer.  _))*

A police spokesperson said, “We take the apprehension of criminal suspects extremely seriously, and as such we will use all resources at our disposal, including those created using wax crayons by someone who signs their name alongside their age in years and a fraction.”

“If Jack’s drawing looks like you then I would be getting pretty nervous about now. The net is closing in, mister.”

It is hoped the new hand-drawn e-fit will lead to the swift conclusion of the enquiry, with senior officers bullish about their new suspect-identification system.

The Hampshire constabulary spokesman continued, “We know it is almost impossible to find someone who has lettuce for hair, with hindsight it was quite ridiculous to even release that image.”

“However we feel confident the public will easily spot a man whose head is twice the size of his waist and has no elbows or knees.”  *&(

“We’re pretty sure his walk will be quite distinctive.”

Police have warned that the suspect might be dangerous, and should not be approached, adding that members of the public should contact the authorities immediately should they see anyone with fingers the size of their feet and whose mouth is directly below their right eye.   )*)&


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: TheMedz on September 22, 2010, 10:07:26 pm
A begger walks up to a well dressed woman who's coming out of Selfridges, holds his hand out and says "I haven't eaten for 4 days"

She looks at him and replies "God, I wish I had your willpower"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 22, 2010, 10:20:40 pm
the other day I was sitting down with the paper and i looked up and thought how amazing it is to see all the stars in the sky and wondering about how many planets revolve around the stars and who lives on the planets *&(







and then I thought ''whatever happened to the toilet roof? '' ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 23, 2010, 07:18:10 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 23, 2010, 04:12:27 pm
A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertainin an Arkansas bar.

He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says
threateningly,  "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes - we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister - I'm talking to the smart-mouth lil' fella!

 L0L _))* D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 23, 2010, 08:32:56 pm
 _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 26, 2010, 09:36:30 am
I went in to a shop the other day and the assistant said ' can I help you sir '  I said ' yes, I'd like to buy a wasp, how much is it please?' She said ' we don't sell wasps '  and I said ' well you've got one in the window '   :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 26, 2010, 12:33:11 pm
I bought a pair of old Wharfdale Speakers - my local Antique Dealer said, "That's a sound investment!"   L0L

I also bought an old book - but that's another story!   _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 26, 2010, 12:48:55 pm
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."    :P
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 26, 2010, 01:35:15 pm
 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 26, 2010, 01:42:49 pm
I was cleaning the jets off the lawnmower's carbburetor the other day, using a saucer with some petrol in it, next doors cat started drinking from the saucer and then he shot on to the lawn and franticaly ran round and round in a circle when suddenly it fell down and stopped moving ))*  the cat's owner saw this and said ' my god! is my cat dead??'  I said 'no, it's run out of petrol!' :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 29, 2010, 11:48:25 pm
Just lost my job at the piano factory. But I left on a good NOTE though.   :-*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 29, 2010, 11:57:20 pm
You won't hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I need to LILO for a while.   :D

Paddy runs into the Pub and shouts Mick, someone has just stolen your car. Mick says "did you see who it was", Paddy replies "No, but I managed to get the registration number".   ::) 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on September 30, 2010, 01:08:21 am
You won't hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I need to LILO for a while.   :D

Paddy runs into the Pub and shouts Mick, someone has just stolen your car. Mick says "did you see who it was", Paddy replies "No, but I managed to get the registration number".   ::) 

   _))* _))* _))*   Beauties !!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on September 30, 2010, 04:20:05 pm
My wife is impossible, she's always complaining that I'm pushing her around and talking behind her back. What the heck does she expect being in a wheelchair.   :D


Spent some time at the wife's grave today,She's not dead,  she thinks I'm digging a pond.   WWW
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 30, 2010, 06:41:17 pm
Q. Why have Welsh farmers begun to wear kilts?

A. Welsh sheep now recognise the sound of a zip.   _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 30, 2010, 06:52:20 pm
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.   _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on September 30, 2010, 06:53:54 pm
Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, 'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro.' 'What do you mean it's illegal?' asks the driver. 'Quattro means four' replied the blonde. 'Quattro is just the name of the car,' the Irishman retorted in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.' 'You can't pull that one on me,' replies the Italian customs agent: 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law'. The driver replies angrily: 'Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry, 'she said sweetly: 'he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'    _))* L0L _))* L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 01, 2010, 02:08:06 pm
We are very keen to keep up with technology in our house,  so after I bought myself an iPod,   I got my daughter an iPhone,   following that I bought my other daughter an iPad, ....  I felt sorry for the wife, so I bought her an iRon.

Thats when the trouble started ...  some people are so ungrateful.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on October 01, 2010, 03:00:52 pm
A man was arrested in Scotland for throwing a bottle of Domestos over the Pope during his visit there.

 The man was arrested for a Bleach of the Priest.   D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 01, 2010, 03:10:29 pm
We obviously need another joke category - one for the awful ones...  &well&
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on October 01, 2010, 03:24:56 pm
Try this one !
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning you need two hearts and a diamond,

By the end you wish that you had a Club and a Spade.   :twoface:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 01, 2010, 03:32:22 pm
They're getting worse...  _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Paddy on October 01, 2010, 05:47:04 pm
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can"t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don"t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let"s take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 01, 2010, 06:59:03 pm
I have just heard that gangs of marauding terrorists and youths have been rampaging through the streets of Bradford for the last 2 days  ...  murdering any English people that they encounter.

The Police say the death toll could rise to be as high as THREE





 

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 02, 2010, 11:14:46 am
The local Police Staion has been robbed of all its Sit down loos.  A Police Spokesman says that so far they have nothing to go on!    _))*

There is a big hole in the middle of Mostyn Street.  Two men from the Council are looking into it!   L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 03, 2010, 10:44:33 pm
B & Q has had a break in,  40 tins of red paint and 40 tins of blue paint were taken. Police said not to approach the thief as he could turn violet  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 03, 2010, 10:47:27 pm
A lorry delivering red and blue paint to B & Q has crashed on an island near the store and the Police report that the driver has been marooned   _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 03, 2010, 10:49:42 pm
the Police dog station has had a break in and all the equipment stolen, Police say they have no leads so far  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on October 03, 2010, 11:45:31 pm
I agree with you Ian, they are getting worse, perhaps you could introduce your worst Jokes category after all.  ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 04, 2010, 06:57:36 pm
 *&( I thought the last 3 jokes were really good ;D _))* L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 04, 2010, 09:55:50 pm
Yeah, but Merddin, .... unfortunately they really weren't .... and you did score 36 in that test remember!

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 05, 2010, 09:02:40 am
 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 05, 2010, 09:34:00 am
Yeah, but Merddin, .... unfortunately they really weren't .... and you did score 36 in that test remember!



Fester, I think your keyboard's gone wrong, I think you meant to say ' they were the 3 funniest jokes you've ever heard and you are still sewing your sides back together'   _))* _))* L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 05, 2010, 09:41:30 am
I went in to Asda the other day and someone stacking the shelves said ' I bet you £20 you can't reach those pieces of meat on the top shelf' I said ' I'm not interested the steaks are too high' _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 06, 2010, 12:19:11 am
 _))* _))*  Now thats more like it Andy !

 $welsh$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 06, 2010, 07:41:39 pm
I bought a chess set the other day. I started eating it but it tasted horrible, so I took it back to the shop and said, 'Here, this is stale, mate.'
The shop-keeper said, 'no it's not.'
I said, 'Yes it is. Check, mate.'

 _))*  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 06, 2010, 09:41:43 pm
I bought a chess set the other day. I started eating it but it tasted horrible, so I took it back to the shop and said, 'Here, this is stale, mate.'
The shop-keeper said, 'no it's not.'
I said, 'Yes it is. Check, mate.'

 _))*  _))*

 L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 07, 2010, 02:07:37 pm
On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".    L0L

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!    _))*

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?   :speechless:

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off    L0L

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !    :rage:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 10, 2010, 08:49:27 am
  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 12, 2010, 08:53:06 pm
I've just joined Alcoholics Anonymous - I still drink, just under a different name. D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on October 13, 2010, 09:08:50 pm
Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out " is this it " ? Paddy looked and said " NO,mine had a pencil behind it" !   _))*  _))*  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 13, 2010, 09:51:09 pm
I spent a while standing by my wife's grave today....
She didn't know, how could she?

She thinks I'm out here digging a pond.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 14, 2010, 07:40:24 am
 _))*

The mother-in-law told me she wants to dance on my grave.  I said I'm getting buried at sea.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 15, 2010, 05:59:59 pm
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time, they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE ... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
" I can do so much better. "
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 16, 2010, 12:01:01 am
Some very sexist jokes there, Pendragon?.....  as a man (and a very handsome, virile one at that), I may spend the rest of the evening cross legged on the floor crying into the mirror.

Prepare to be ''MODERATED'' ........ resistance is futile.   


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 16, 2010, 03:26:52 pm
 ;D This for you Fester

Courses Women Should be REQUIRED to take

    * Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
    * The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
    * Parties: Going Without New Outfits
    * Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
    * Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
    * Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
    * Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
    * Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
    * Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
    * Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
    * Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
    * Introduction to Parking
    * Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
    * Water Retention: Fact or Fat
    * Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
    * Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
    * Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
    * Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
    * PMS: Your Problem... Not His
    * Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
    * Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
    * Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
    * Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
    * Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
    * TV Remotes: For Men Only
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 16, 2010, 04:10:19 pm
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.    He could never find the item the customer wanted.  Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.   Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.  Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.    Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.  The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost.  Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.   "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.    "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.   "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.   "Look at him.  He's afraid to cough."    _))*  _))*
Title: Re: Roads in the area
Post by: Yorkie on October 17, 2010, 04:25:39 pm
There is a large hole in the middle of Mostyn Street and two men from the Council are looking into it!    :D
Title: Re: Roads in the area
Post by: JasonW on October 17, 2010, 07:24:31 pm
I also had to go and have a look, I didn't want to go but I was pushed into it.  :laugh:
Title: Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
Post by: Trojan on October 18, 2010, 07:15:12 am
£6.4 million, 30 jobs, a tea room,shop,beekeeping etc. is someone taking the P.  ???

Sounds like it's going to be a hive of activity......Especially the National bee-keeping centre of Wales.
Title: Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
Post by: Yorkie on October 18, 2010, 07:59:58 am
Should get a good BUZZ about the place!
Title: Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
Post by: Trojan on October 18, 2010, 08:12:36 am
I heard Sting may be opening the facility.
Title: Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
Post by: DaveR on October 18, 2010, 08:49:14 am
I heard Sting may be opening the facility.
I had to think about that one!  :laugh:
Title: Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
Post by: Trojan on October 18, 2010, 09:11:25 am
I heard Sting may be opening the facility.
I had to think about that one!  :laugh:

I may take my Honey Poo, next time I'm over.  {}{}
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 18, 2010, 02:57:22 pm
Whats the last thing a fly sees when it hits your windscreen ..............................its ASS  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 18, 2010, 08:34:30 pm
Whats the last thing a fly sees when it hits your windscreen ..............................its ASS  _))*

Couldn't you have made it a bee?  >:(
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: TheMedz on October 18, 2010, 08:52:44 pm
I've just had a text telling me that on the John Lennon statue at Liverpool airport under the words "above us only sky" someone has written "and below us only West Ham"
Title: Re: Cycle lane along the Prom
Post by: Trojan on October 19, 2010, 03:45:46 pm
I was nearly mown down by an idiot going the wrong way in St Georges plaice.

I thought I'd had my chips.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 19, 2010, 04:36:06 pm
Don't upset him - he's a Big Wheel about Town!     $00$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 19, 2010, 05:14:53 pm
Don't upset him - he's a Big Wheel about Town!     $00$

 $lol$  :cyclist40:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 20, 2010, 08:35:53 am
One dark night outside a small town in northern South Dakota a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant! They must be saved. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Vell,' said Ole Oleson, the 80-year-old fire chief, 'Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on October 20, 2010, 04:12:03 pm
I need your advice...................................
I've been offered 8 legs of Venison for £40..................
Do you think that is too deer?
Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Trojan on October 20, 2010, 07:35:43 pm
The Police have been using informers in one way, shape or form, ever since Sir Robert Peel formed The Met in 1829.

"I do not condone the request that Alice (whoever she may be)"   I know what you really wanted to say here Yorkie!  :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 20, 2010, 07:54:48 pm
A group of girlfriends are on holiday when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on October 20, 2010, 08:15:32 pm
I took the shell off a snail to see if it would make it go faster...but it just made it sluggish !
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 20, 2010, 08:49:15 pm
These workmen have just finished putting up bollards to prevent secretaries from parking their cars outside Dublin Docks Customs and Excise Office.  :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 20, 2010, 09:35:46 pm
Oooohh  Trojan,  If thats true thats just hilarious .... delicious.   L0L L0L     $booboo$

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on October 20, 2010, 10:09:09 pm
Dear Madam,
Your apllication to join our match-making service has been rejected.
You failed question 14..'what do you like best in a man?'

"A knife!"  was not an acceptable answer.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on October 20, 2010, 10:13:23 pm
Oooohh  Trojan,  If thats true thats just hilarious .... delicious.   L0L L0L     $booboo$
I wondered if it was true or if maybe one of the bollards was the sort that can be removed. So, I checked and, yes, they were all concreted in and one of them had to be dug out in order to get the van out.  _))*
Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Dave on October 20, 2010, 10:39:44 pm
The Police have been using informers in one way, shape or form, ever since Sir Robert Peel formed The Met in 1829.

"I do not condone the request that Alice (whoever she may be)"   I know what you really wanted to say here Yorkie!  :D

Then why not share it ?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 20, 2010, 10:51:14 pm
...then thats a total classic .... talk about painting yourself into a corner !!!
Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Ian on October 21, 2010, 07:59:53 am
Indeed.  I don't think this forum is the right place for sub text.
Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Trojan on October 22, 2010, 04:49:17 am
Indeed.  I don't think this forum is the right place for sub text.

 L0L

Smokie - Living Next Door To Alice 1995 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKNfb13vcDI#)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on October 22, 2010, 05:03:19 am
Come on now.....you don't think I would have pulled the wool over your eyes do you?  8)
Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Ian on October 22, 2010, 09:27:57 am
Ah!

 ))*
Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Trojan on October 23, 2010, 04:40:00 am
Ah!

 ))*

  $happy$

Title: Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
Post by: Trojan on October 24, 2010, 03:18:38 am
Can we have this thread moved to the jokes section please?  ¢¢##
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 26, 2010, 03:41:37 pm
A boy worked in the produce section of a supermarket. One day, a man
came in and asked to buy a half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, only a half head. So the boy said that he would
go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him. So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy
the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way Later the
manager called the boy in and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
 L0L  L0L  L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 26, 2010, 03:56:26 pm
 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
 "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
 examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
 Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
 "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
 "No, because he's bloody heavy."

 _))*  L0L  _))*  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 26, 2010, 06:55:59 pm
Explaining the offside rule to women...

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.



Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 28, 2010, 02:01:40 am
I went round to my Irish mate Paddy's house last night..

I said, good God Paddy,  you have such a high ceiling in here ... must be 18ft high!

He said, blame the wife ... she wanted 2 rooms knocking into one.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 28, 2010, 12:36:31 pm
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)    L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on October 29, 2010, 04:33:10 pm
Apparently the best way to get a stong cup of tea is to agitate the bag...........
So I always smack the bitch before she goes into the kitchen.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on October 29, 2010, 11:14:12 pm
A Blonde goes to Heaven
> A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met
>her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering
>from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance
>Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
>
>'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
>
>'Just three questions' said St Peter.
>
>'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
>
>'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
>letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
>The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
>
>'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call
>upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
>
>So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought
>(I expect you to do the same).
>
>The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had
>considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
>
>'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter
>T?'
>
>The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
>
>St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer
>can be applied to the question.
>
>'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St
>Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
>
>The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
>
>'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
>
>'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February,
>right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
>
>St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
>answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
>
>A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to
>stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be
>allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman
>in Waltzing Matilda?'
>
>The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest
>to answer.'
>
>'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
>
>'It's Andy.'
>
>'Andy??'
>
>'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
>
>This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the
>answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the
>blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
>
>'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
>billy boiled.'
>
>And the Blonde entered Heaven...
>
>
>
>... you're  singing it now, aren't you…??
>
>
>
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 30, 2010, 11:02:14 am
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Title: Re: A Subtle Joke
Post by: Yorkie on October 31, 2010, 08:54:28 am
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
v
v
v
v
v
 v
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
 
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on November 05, 2010, 05:11:52 am
Welcome to the Clean Joke section Don.  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 06, 2010, 10:43:24 pm
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the boss would not allow me to take  leave. I thought that maybe if I
acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's
blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a
light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you
doing?'  I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her
And where do you think you're going?'

She said,
'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 07, 2010, 04:55:44 pm
 _))* _))* L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on November 08, 2010, 04:43:23 am
 L0L  L0L $lol$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 08, 2010, 10:46:39 pm
Glad you liked that one

   :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 09, 2010, 04:02:07 pm
Five Englishmen in an Audi arrived at Dublin port. Paddy,the ports officer, stops them and tells them "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro", "Quattro means four" "quattro is just the name of the car".  The Englishman says "look at the papers, this car isn designed for 5 persons" "you can't pull that one on me" says Paddy "quattro means four, you have 5 in your car, so your breaking the law" the Englishman shouts "you bloody Moron, go and get your supervisor I want to talk to someone intelligent" Paddy says "you can't, Murphy is busy with those two fellas in the Fiat Uno"

 D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on November 12, 2010, 12:52:11 am
 L0L L0L  Quality ...    _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 12, 2010, 10:21:57 pm
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
And is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,
“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,
“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies,
“My wife.”
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 13, 2010, 06:43:03 am
My wife though this "joke" should be confined to the "dirty Jokes" section.    ¢¢##

The inuendo is apparent to all.

Personally I think it is all in the mind. -  or in this case, Mrs Yorkie's.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 13, 2010, 07:21:08 am
My wife though this "joke" should be confined to the "dirty Jokes" section.    ¢¢##

The inuendo is apparent to all.

Oh Sorry  to nit-pick, Yorkie-,  you have a spelling mistake in your complaint. too.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 13, 2010, 07:47:29 am
I trust you did not find my spelling error (t) as offensive as my wife did your "joke".     ¢¢##
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 13, 2010, 08:27:56 am
Okay.  I was hoping this wouldn't be necessary but here goes.  Don - I've moved your most recent jokes because they are not - by any standards  - 'clean'.

The litmus test for whether a joke is clean or not is very simple.  If you have young children or young grandchildren, ages 7 - 12, would they understand and enjoy the jokes and would there be any difficulty explaining them if they didn't?  This forum is an open forum, so it's accessible to young children. and so the clean jokes section must remain exactly that.    

In similar vein, I'm also asking folk to keep the language pristine in here, please.  Thanks for your understanding.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 13, 2010, 09:13:50 am
 
 IAN,

 If we are sorting jokes by that standard, how come you did not see fit to move The Mr Yorkie joke on Page 7? Or indeed others before it, which were similar..

 I dont think I shall come on here again.   

You have chosen to castigate me, and not others why?

Don
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 13, 2010, 10:59:03 am
Quote
If we are sorting jokes by that standard, how come you did not see fit to move The Mr Yorkie joke on Page 7? Or indeed others before it, which were similar..

I have, in fact, moved more than just your jokes, Don, and that's because I'd left it for a while, hoping that the two categories would eventually bed in of their own accord. That hasn't really happened, so I've now started moving them


Quote
You have chosen to castigate me, and not others why?

You are not the only member who has found the categorisation of the jokes section tricky, but I was simply - in this case - responding to the most recent postings. I'm not castigating you;  simply making the point that a clean joke - by definition - doesn't embody innuendo.

I fully accept that humour is the most subjective of the arts and that what makes one person laugh out loud will be met with stony silence from another, but I also think it's important to say that I'm not trying to impose my own ideas of what constitutes humour on the forum.  It's simply that I'm very aware  of two things:  the first is that we don't know which young children have access to this forum and, as a parent myself, I know I don't want anything dubious in a section which is not clearly marked as such. The second aspect concerns the forum reputation.  We want to attract community activists from all areas into here, but a very large slice of the community involves working with young people, and I think it's important that onlookers feel this place is a safe and secure as anywhere on the 'net for their young folk to be.


Quote
I dont think I shall come on here again.   

I hope you do, Don, because you make a significant and valued contribution to the forum.  All I'm asking is that you post your jokes in the 'Less Clean Jokes' section.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 14, 2010, 04:27:08 am
Hello Ian,

Thanks for your constructive comments - but there exists a bias from others.  Items posted by regulars, get read, with comments, others by newcomers, do not. 

However, I do like this site very much.  and In view of what you have said, - I will observe, and avoid posting jokes.  My suggestion, is to close the Less clean , header, for the benefit, of the future progress of this forum. 

Regards   Don.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 14, 2010, 08:36:00 am
Quote
there exists a bias from others.  Items posted by regulars, get read, with comments, others by newcomers, do not. 

That's an interesting observation, Don, and you might be surprised to know that the same sort of thing is said in just about every forum on the 'net.  Part of it is that we seek to be - and are, in effect -  a community, and each community embodies its own mores, norms, aspirations and expectations. Inevitably, those who have been around the longest - and by that I mean in the old forum which preceded this one - will be familiar, their characteristics and foibles well known and the expectations of them well honed.  And, in a mildly ironic sense, that's also the collection of attributes that combines to make humour so subjective.

An alternative way of looking at it is to say there are cliques, but cliques are nothing more than groups of folk who find common interests and know each other well enough to leave some things unsaid. Destructive cliques, on the other hand, are groups with pre-designated agenda, who seek to impose their collective aspirations on the rest of the community.  I don't believe we have anything of that sort in here, however, and that's partly to do with the fact that only two of us enjoy administrator status but mainly to do with the fact that the majority of contributors on here simply want to enjoy the companionship inherent in any decent online forum.

If we have a collective shortcoming as such, it is that we can forget that every word we type, every sentence we compose and every comment we make can be read by the six billion internet users around the world. And that's the only reason why we need to be a little wary about what's on full view, as it were.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on November 15, 2010, 08:51:31 am
I always think of a Forum as being like an online version of a Pub or Cafe. When someone enters for the first time, you see all the regulars talking and learn about their various interests/bugbears etc. In many cases, a newcomer will simply sit back and 'watch the action' for a while before joining in, whilst others join the conversation straight away. Either approach is fine! All views are welcome here, doesn't matter how many posts you have made or how long you have been a member. As in any real pub/cafe, there is always a bit of banter between the regulars, it's nothing to be concerned about.  :)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 18, 2010, 11:37:11 am
Paddy ask's Murphy "how do you spell orange.........?" Murphy thinks about it and say's "do you mean the fruit or the colour?"   :P
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on November 18, 2010, 09:47:39 pm
Husband sat watching his tv, when his rather fat wife comes into the room & says "I just fell down the stairs didn't you hear me?"

Husband replies "Oh sorry luv I just thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on November 19, 2010, 12:06:51 am
I've just heard that my Pakistani optician died yesterday.   Asif Eyecare.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on November 19, 2010, 12:53:10 am
Two Muslim mothers are looking nostalgically through some photo albums...
One said, This is my Khalid,  he would have been 21 now ... but he went to be a martyr for Allah.

The other said, this one is my Abdul, he would have been 19 now, ..but no, he too is a martyr for Allah.

The first looked wistfully and said,  Yes, isn't it amazing how quickly they blow up these days.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 19, 2010, 05:41:55 am
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and
says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I

are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you
talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the
son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
hell they're getting
divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland
immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do
a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be
there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for
Christmas - and they're paying their own
way."




Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 19, 2010, 07:58:32 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 19, 2010, 09:01:16 am
 
 It's the way you tell 'em... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: don
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on November 20, 2010, 12:25:19 am
Its a Cracker... A christmas Cracker!
Your best one by far Donaldo !
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 20, 2010, 02:09:34 am
Funny, Fest, I didn't think it was as good as the one about the married Lady, whose Life Insurance was due for renewal with the Co-op,  As she told her husband she was changing to the SAGA, but had to go see a different Doctor, before they would accept her.   Saw the doctor, in another part of town, came home, and hubby asked how it went.  She said she had to completely undress, for the Examination, and doctor, said, Well, for a woman of 45, you have the body of a lady, of 30.  her husband, Yes, but did he mention, your big fat ass?  She replied, no -  he never mentioned you..
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 20, 2010, 03:35:25 pm
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

 "Mrs Sanders, please."

 "Speaking."

 "Mrs Sanders, this is Dr Jones at St Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good"

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

 "That's dreadful...  Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.

 "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

 "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at the health care office recommend you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 20, 2010, 07:00:29 pm
 _))* _))*    IYeah like that one Barney
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on November 20, 2010, 08:57:56 pm
Some unlikely cover versions.....................

Susan Boyle- Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.
Stevie Wonder- i can see clearly now.
Nick Griffin-Black or white.
Katie Price-Like a virgin.
Rihanna-Hit me baby one more time.
Michael Jackson-I'm forever blowing bubbles.
Josef Fritzl-Love shack
Stephen Hawking-I'm still standing.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 20, 2010, 09:21:53 pm
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS..?

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around , and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I'll be darned,” then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 22, 2010, 03:46:10 pm
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
 
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
 
The chemist said that was good, but he said his dog was better. His dog, Measure, was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart.
 
They all turned to the Union Man and said, “What can your dog do?"
 
The Union Man called his dog whose name was Coffee Break, and said,   "Show the fellows what you can do."
 
 Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 23, 2010, 04:22:11 am
ey all turned to the Union Man and said, “What can your dog do?"
 The Union Man called his dog whose name was Coffee Break, and said,   "Show the fellows what you can do."
  Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Well Yorkie, Coffee Break, must have been a Civil Servant to behave like that, and just go sick. Don
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 24, 2010, 01:47:51 pm
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" (And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.)

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU? And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 24, 2010, 04:53:51 pm
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 24, 2010, 05:05:20 pm
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him at weekends.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

 _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 24, 2010, 05:13:03 pm
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
< "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on November 26, 2010, 12:55:47 am
My Dog

I went down to Centrelink this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on November 26, 2010, 05:13:22 pm
I noticed a gentleman walking towards me this morning with two small dogs on a lead.

As we approached each other, I said "Good morning, are they Jack Russell's by any chance?"

He replied, "No, they're mine".  :-X


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 27, 2010, 03:08:19 pm
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
 

 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 29, 2010, 06:31:48 pm
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 29, 2010, 07:59:04 pm
A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
   
 
 
   
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on November 30, 2010, 12:04:58 am
I had to congratulate this lady when I met her recently,
I asked her to tell me what was the secret of her long life?

She told me that she drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels every day, has always taken class A drugs since she was a schoolgirl and smokes forty cigarettes every day.
So do you mind me asking how old you actually are I said?

Thirty Eight was the reply!
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 30, 2010, 11:30:08 am
Bless, she looks like ETs gran   _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 30, 2010, 01:25:47 pm
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
 L0L  L0L  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on December 03, 2010, 12:46:58 pm
With all this freezing weather and snow outside, all my wife does is stare through the window all day.

If it carries on like this, I might have to let her in.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on December 03, 2010, 01:59:12 pm
A bloke goes into a Pub and asks the barman to to put about an inch of beer in a pint glass and top it up with water. The barman obliges and says " I've been a barman for 40 yrs. and have never been asked for that before. The customer replies " If you had what I've got you'd be drinking the same."  The barman says " Why what have you got "  He replies   Thirty Pence.    :D :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 09, 2010, 12:27:58 am
 
 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    * The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

    * The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
 
    * The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

    * The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
 
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
 
Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive.
 
So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?
 
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!



 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 09, 2010, 10:19:45 am
 
  MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOM E 30-ODD YEARS AGO


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM

IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ...

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

DEVIL  ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on December 09, 2010, 02:12:47 pm
These are actual comments on students reports by teachers in a New York school, who were later reprimanded. But boy what a sense of humour

1/ Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2/ I would not allow this student to breed.
3/ Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4/ Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5/ Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6/ The student has a full 'six pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7/ This child has been working with glue too much.
8/ When your daughters I.Q. reaches 50, she should sell.
9/ The gates are down , the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming.
10/ If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to have to be watered twice a week.
11/ It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.
12/ The wheel is turning but the hamster's definitely dead.
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 09, 2010, 03:18:10 pm
Panto time.

 An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they
 take turns recounting their adventures at sea.
  Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the
 seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
 
 The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm
 off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just
 as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared
 and one of 'em bit me leg off".
 
 "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
 "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader
 ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way
 and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
 
 "Zounds!",  remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by
 the eye patch?"
 "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the
 pirate.
 
 "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?",  the sailor
 asked incredulously.
 "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with
 the hook.."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 09, 2010, 03:25:34 pm
Two men are walking along the Severn Bridge (between England and
Wales), one with a budgie on
his shoulder the other with a parrot on his shoulder. One of the
men gets up onto the side of the bridge and flings himself off 
into space.

The budgie (being a sensible creature) immediately lets
go and flutters back to perch on the side of the bridge The
unfortunate man goes splat into the mud beneath the bridge (the
tide being out) and breaks several limbs.

The second man (with the parrot) also climbs out onto the side of
the bridge and throws himself forward. The parrot (being at least
as intelligent as the budgie) also lets go. However, the falling
man pulls a gun from his pocket and takes several pot shots at
the parrot which with a bit of nimble wing work manages to avoid
the shots and flies back to the bridge. As with his predecessor,
the man plummets to the mud below and breaks an unreasonable
number of limbs.

As the two men lie in the mud suffering from their wounds the
first man says "I don't think much of this budgie-jumping". The
second replies "Yeah - and this free fall parrot-shooting isn't much
fun either"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 13, 2010, 02:00:25 am
 

     Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 13, 2010, 01:59:33 pm
A Freemason went to the Pet shop and asked for a talking budgie to help
him with learning his ritual.

 He bought a lovely blue one and a cage and went home.
 
 2 days later he was back saying the budgie had not spoken a word.
 The shop owner asked,  "Is he happy? jumping up and down on his little
 perch?"
 "Perch? He hasn't got a perch " said the chap.
 " Got tohave a perch" said the shop owner.  So the chap duly purchased one
 for £1.
  2 days later he is back reporting the same problem. 
The shop owner asked "Is he happy?  Jumping up and down on his little perch -
 ringing his little bell?"
 "Bell?  Bell?  He hasn't got a bell!" said the chap.
 "Got to have a bell" said the shop owner.  Our man duly
 parted with a further 2 pounds for a bell.
 2 days later he's back.  "That budgie still hasn't said a word". 
 "Is he happy?" said the shop owner, "Jumping up and down on his
 little perch, ringing his little bell, pecking at himself in the mirror?"
 "Mirror?  Mirror?  He hasn't got a mirror!"   
"Got to have a mirror" said the shop owner, so our chap parts with a further £3
  and departs with the mirror.
 2 days later he's back reporting that the budgie still hasn't
 uttered a single word.
 "Is he happy?" asked the shop owner "Jumping
 up and down on his little perch, ringing his little bell, pecking at
 himself in the mirror, running up and down his little ladder?"
 "Ladder?  Ladder? He hasn't got a ladder." says our man.
 "Got to have a ladder!" said the shop owner and so another 3 pounds changes
 hands.
 2 Days later the chap comes back and with much obvious, sadness and
 reverence and reports "The budgie is dead!"   
The shop owner enquiring as to the cause of the budgie's demise asked "Did he say
 anything before he died?"
 "Oh!  Yes" replied our man -
  " He said - doesn't that shop sell b********y bird seed?"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 13, 2010, 02:33:54 pm
LOL!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on December 18, 2010, 01:14:04 am
Air cargo security has been stepped up following reports that Al Qaeda are attempting to hide bombs in tins of Alphabeti Spaghetti . One senior insider said "if these go off it could spell disaster"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 18, 2010, 04:46:33 am
  I doubt that Scott - there's never two S's in them!   Don
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 18, 2010, 11:45:55 am
 
  Be Careful This Christmas


Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.   

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor
Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee,
carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and stuff like that. 

 Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.  They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 20, 2010, 07:08:13 am
 
 
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity

Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been

able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 20, 2010, 08:42:32 am
 _))* _))* _))*

Both excellent!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 24, 2010, 11:35:44 am
  I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 24, 2010, 12:08:20 pm
 THIS IS BOT A JOKE< BUT WHERE SHOULD IT BE?



   THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 ) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZrf0PbAGSk#ws)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 27, 2010, 12:48:23 am
Only in America!

 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
 
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,   'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
 
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new.  So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 million) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
 
The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running.."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on December 27, 2010, 10:13:56 am
 
  Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick say's Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We Need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 03, 2011, 08:36:43 am
 
 Click here:-  very good!

  What color is her dress??? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EwsOuu8PA8#noexternalembed)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on January 03, 2011, 08:44:27 am
That was excellent.  And a vast improvement on the miserable effort on TV the other night, fronted by Lenny Henry.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 03, 2011, 12:45:30 pm
  Happy New Year to all, Ian, But, how did they do it, so quickly/  I wonder.  Regards  Don
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 03, 2011, 04:15:43 pm
It's MAGIC Don, pure unadulterated MAGIC!     Alternatively the chap has eight women hidden up his sleeves.

Check your local library as there are many excellent books on the Art.     D)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 08, 2011, 01:47:24 pm
What do you call a chav in a box?
Init.

What do you call a chav in a box with a chain round it?
Safe init.

Why did the chav cross the road?
To start on the chicken for no apparent reason

Two chavs jump off a building who lands first?
Who even cares?

What day of the year does a chav find most confusing?
Fathers day

Whats the difference between a dead chav and a ferrari?
I dont have a ferrari in my garage

What do you do if you run over a chav?
Reverse just to make sure he is dead

What do you call a Chav at college?
The cleaner

How do chavs knock on a door?
They Bang it

What do you do if you shoot a chav?
Reload.

Whats the difference between an onion and a dying chav?
Onions make you cry

What’s the difference between a battery and a chav?
A battery has a positive side

How does a chav girl turn the lights off after sex?
She closes the car door.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 11, 2011, 11:15:54 am



     I knew when I was little..

     We were so poor, if I wasn't born a boy, I would have had nothing to play with...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on January 12, 2011, 04:21:51 pm
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite. All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he has a part in the school play and he is playing a man who has been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 13, 2011, 12:46:32 am
 
   A young many had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.   
 "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.  After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad,  I've been thinking about that too, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

And his father replied,  "Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went.?"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 16, 2011, 04:11:46 pm
 One sunny afternoon in New York
Joke Info
Category : Rabbi
Rating : 3.23
Contributor : chihuahualady
Type : T
 
 
 
One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"
 
 
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 16, 2011, 04:14:42 pm
Moisha saw his friend Abe with a long face and said," Hi Abe - sorry to hear about the fire."   "Shush" says Abe, "It's tomorrow!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 21, 2011, 12:42:14 am

 Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 21, 2011, 11:59:42 am
A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons  and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,  not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies  --The head monk, says,

'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault  that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot, so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

We missed the R !   ---We missed the R !   --We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably - He says over and over, Oh Dear! the word was CELEBRATE ----.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 21, 2011, 12:09:34 pm
 
   I got a new rifle and I decided to try it out - went hunting rabbits this morning. I got two in the head, one in the chest and another in the back leg. The woman in the pet shop went absolutely mental!!
--
I got arrested at midnight on New Year's Eve. I tried telling the cop that it was all a misunderstanding as when you see a Muslim shouting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 you drop the bu**er before he can reach the detonator.
--
What chance have we got to do a good job raising our kids when Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. I guess we can't blame them for rebelling when we've been teaching them to do it through bedtime stories!!

   
 
+
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 22, 2011, 12:37:11 am
 
           These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 

         


         

        The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
        --------------------------
        The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
        --------------------------
        Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
        --------------------------
        Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
        --------------------------
        Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
        --------------------------
        Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
        --------------------------
        For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
        --------------------------
        Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
        --------------------------
        Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
        --------------------------
        A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
        --------------------------
        At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
        --------------------------
        Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
        --------------------------
        Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
        --------------------------
        Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
        --------------------------
        The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
        --------------------------
        Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
        --------------------------
        The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
        --------------------------
        This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
        --------------------------
        Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
        --------------------------
        The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
        --------------------------
        Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
        --------------------------
        The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
        --------------------------
        Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
        --------------------------

Donuts will be served after mass in the church basement followed by blood pressure checks.

--------------------------------
AND FINALLY-----------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

 


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 22, 2011, 06:59:35 am
 
  A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law ! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out
a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 23, 2011, 01:03:38 pm
 
   A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 24, 2011, 01:42:35 am
 
  A married man was having an affair
                        With his secretary.

                        One day they went to her place
                        And made love all afternoon.

                        Exhausted, they fell asleep
                        And woke up at 8 PM.

                        The man hurriedly dressed
                        And told his lover to take his shoes
                        Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

                        He put on his shoes and drove home.

                        'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

                        'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

                        'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
                        We had sex all afternoon.'

                        She looked down at his shoes and said:

                        'You lying toe-rag!
                        You've been playing golf!'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 25, 2011, 03:22:12 pm
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Morris Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A cheque", replied the guide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At his wife's insistence, Goldberg finally went to his doctor for a check up.

"You look terrible," said the doctor. "Do you drink?"

"Why yes, plenty." said Goldberg. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps."

"And with that cough," the doctor continued, "you probably are a smoker."

"You bet," said Goldberg, "Three packs a day for me."

"Look Mr. Goldberg," the doctor said. "You are not a healthy man. You're going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and thats an order. And before you go, that'll be £50 for my advice."

Goldberg replies, "So who's taking it?"


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 28, 2011, 08:33:43 am
 
 

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Stupidity Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach , California   would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9 The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 29, 2011, 01:02:06 pm
An observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in
serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue............
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue................. .
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice
of GOD himself :  "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A DAMNED TICKET".
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 29, 2011, 06:42:51 pm
3rd February is Chinese New Year, so here is a short lesson of how to speak a few Chinese phrases.

That's not right.......................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me asap..........................................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid man.............................................Dum Gai
Small horse............................................Tai Ni Po Ni
It's very dark in here...............................Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow-away zone.........................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight................................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Did you go to the beach?......................Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table..................Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift.....................Chin Tu Fat

I'll be celebrating in a nearby Chinese Restaurant the Year of the Rabbit!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on January 31, 2011, 02:16:03 am
 
 Worth taking a moment:--


    http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...th+ginger&aq=0 (http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...th+ginger&aq=0)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on January 31, 2011, 03:56:10 pm
Mary asked Paddy if he was stranded on a desert island with one person in the world who would it be?
"My uncle Mick" replies Paddy without a moments hesitation.
"Realy? Whats so special about him?" asks Mary.
Paddy says, " He's got a boat."
Title: Re: Useful Links
Post by: Trojan on February 04, 2011, 01:41:41 am
I think it has to be broader.  Not much crime in Llandudno, but I did see a big marker above Fester

 :)

Obviously a bad lad that Fester.

........ but not as evil as the EVIL E-THUG on Oscar!


I believe he's back as plain E Thug now Fester. Must have been to church or something.

Be careful he doesn't set his Dad on you though, I heard he frequents Wetherspoons on occasion.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on February 04, 2011, 05:56:01 pm
Ventriloquist without a Dummy
Sound on and click on the link below.




http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/paul-zerdin-ventriloquist-without-dummy-p1.php (http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/paul-zerdin-ventriloquist-without-dummy-p1.php)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on February 04, 2011, 09:19:33 pm
    There was a knock on the door this morning

    I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

    "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

    I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to talk about"?

    He said, " buggered if I know I've never got this far before"

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on February 04, 2011, 10:05:24 pm
I hear that NASA have sent two monkeys and a woman to the International Space Station, each with a crucial mission.

The first monkey has been set the task of recalibrating the trajectory of the station using a series of commands and pre-set equations,

The 2nd monkey is conducting some experiments in weightlessness, nutrition and calorific consumption in space.

The woman has been given 2 crucial instructions...... feed the monkeys,  and TOUCH NOTHING.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 12:48:12 pm
The latest safety headgear as worn in the recent Cairo demonstations

(http://imageupload.org/?di=612969099712)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on February 05, 2011, 04:01:53 pm
Yes... guy number 2 is in Yemen actually, and has decided that strapping 2 baguettes and a breadroll to his head is good health and safety!!!

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 05:20:58 pm
I was woken up this morning by my wife pouring boiling hot coffee on my head.

I got up and went to work where my secretary poured scoulding tea over my head.

After a hard days work i got home and my daughter came running up and tipped bloody hot chocolate over my head and all down my face.

Is it just me or do women take me for a mug?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on February 05, 2011, 05:56:37 pm
Don Alonso Pérez de Guzmán was sailing his fully loaded treasure gallion back to Spain when he was ambushed and set upon by that notorious Pirate, Captin Kidd.
Extoleing his crew the Don shouted No Surrender

After the first volley the unfortuneate Don lost his Fore Mast.
Extoleing his crew he shouted No Surrender and the Don’s men kept fighting.

Captain Kidd’s second volley completely shot away the Dons Main Mast
undaunted he extoled his crew and shouted No Surrender and the Don’s men kept fighting.

Captain Kidd’s third volley completely shot away the Dons Mizzen Mast
leaving the poor Spaniards ship dead in the water. The Don called to his Men and told them the crew must Surrender

But why said the Men after you have extoled us Not to Surrender and to keep fighting

Its no use said the Don, we can’t win, the cunning Englishman is using Weapons of Mast Distruction
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 05, 2011, 07:07:33 pm
 :laugh:

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate,
when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes....

I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 06, 2011, 11:13:03 pm
How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
3 to say, 1st, 2nd and 3rd...adding nothing to the topic of lightbulbs at all
2 to say those three were stupid
2 to admit they let the light go out and sat in the dark until someone else came and did it
1 to admit that they have never changed a light blub
1 to say they don't exactly know what a light bulb is
2 to highjack the thread and start flaming each other
5 who LOL at the maddness
2 mods to threaten to ruin the fun by shuting the thread down
and
1 to point out this is the 2nd lightbulb thread in the last 4 years and they urge the creator to search before making a new bulb post.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 07, 2011, 11:44:23 am
The Worlds Longest Joke

So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.
He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes – three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food – then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question – which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that – when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble – usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer – if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him – if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick – their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV – he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it – he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon – it seems like it’s been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up – he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert – crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark – darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble – he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down – like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on sand – he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is – so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?”
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different – he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy – he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?”
He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?”
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
“Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?”
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.”
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers – the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them – blood. He feels his shoulder again – his shirt has what feels like two holes in it – two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
“It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up – it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices – he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more – at all!
“Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?”
“Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.”
“You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?”
“No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works – it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.”
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great – he was still starving and exhausted, but much better – he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
“I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.”
“Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
“That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.
“By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand – my shake sounds
somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake.
“Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson.
“Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?”
“That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more – but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent – now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat – much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed.
“For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man – and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
“As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.”
“Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?”
“I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious.
“Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?”
“They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?”
“Yeah, they do,” said Jack.
“I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy – with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?”
Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
“Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?”
“Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be – you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.
“Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.”
“Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?”
“Right,” nodded Nate.
“Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully.
“That takes two requests, Jack.”
“Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?”
“Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.”
“Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?”
“Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders.
“Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?”
“No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works – the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.
“Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?”
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate…
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans…
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to
hoodwink me like that.”
“I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you – especially one my size. And besides, admit it – it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.”
“Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?”
“More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.”
“Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack.
“Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?”
“Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.”
“We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate.
“Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
“I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
“Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn – I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.”
“Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.”
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.
“Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done – it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back – I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.”
“It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.”
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?”
“Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.”
“Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?”
“No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.”
“So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack.
“Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.”
“Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack.
“Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake – much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since.
“What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?”
“Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
“You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate.
“Why not?” asked Jack.
“I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate.
“Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot.”
“Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate.
“What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world.”
“Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?”
“Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?”
Nate continued to grin.
“A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?”
“Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here.”
“Rules? What rules?” asked Jack.
“The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?”
“Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?”
“Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?”
“Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.”
“Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?”
“Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?”
“That seems to be it,” agreed Nate.
“What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?”
“Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.”
“But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.”
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?”
“Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.”
“Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?”
“Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.”
“What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack.
“He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate.
“Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?”
“I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.”
“Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
“Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?”
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.”
“Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, “give it to me.
Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?”
“Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?”
“He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.”
“Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
“You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position.
“Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice.
“And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?”
“Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
“Nate, do accidents count?”
Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?”
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement.
A little later – “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack.
“That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate.
“No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?”
“Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.”
“Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
“Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack.
“Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.”
“Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?”
“He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind – he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
“His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.”
“And then he just died?” asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.”
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate – recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him – a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly – at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he ‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.”
Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy?
“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.
“Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?”
Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance – to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
“He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”
Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?”
Nate shook his head. “No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?”
Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request.
“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.
“You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack.
“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”
Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.”
Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on February 07, 2011, 08:07:15 pm
I know this Brummie has been attributed to increasing the forum readership, but don't you think he takes up a little too much server space at times?

 $lol$


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on February 07, 2011, 09:45:28 pm
THE WORLDS SHORTEST KNOCK KNOCK JOKE...

Go on, Someone start it off...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on February 08, 2011, 12:40:06 am
I know this Brummie has been attributed to increasing the forum readership, but don't you think he takes up a little too much server space at times?
 $lol$

Have to agree.  never thought it would end.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on February 08, 2011, 12:57:41 am
I don't have the attention span to even attempt it... :laugh: {}{}
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on February 08, 2011, 01:43:24 am
I don't have the attention span to even attempt it... :laugh: {}{}

Have to agree, Fest - I couldn't concentrate that long either. 12 days to go. Take care   don
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 08, 2011, 07:02:02 am
I didn't read it myself, hope it was clean  :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 08, 2011, 07:18:51 am
A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the A55 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 08, 2011, 03:19:28 pm
hilarious

Why the Queen is Indian (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYY8MAAep3Y#)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on February 10, 2011, 03:09:36 am
 :D L0L :D _))* :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on February 11, 2011, 01:24:58 pm
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his animals in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill..
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 11, 2011, 04:11:29 pm
 _))*

but can you translate for Fester  ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on February 11, 2011, 11:38:56 pm
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine >which can see 100 years into the future.  They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

 Barak goes first.
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
 The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action  and gives him a printout, he reads it out
 "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime  is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy  is healthy. There are no worries"

 David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll
have a bit of that" so he asks  "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he's just staring at it.

 "Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"

David replies,
"Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on February 11, 2011, 11:44:49 pm
 L0L L0L _))* _))* _))*

Nice one Barney,  we don't see enough of you on the Forum .... but when we do, its worth reading! 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on February 12, 2011, 10:59:59 am
The Dark Side Of Women...
 
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
 
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in  a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
 
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple ofmore shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
 
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
 
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care, and he will now be your career!'
 
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
 
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on February 12, 2011, 11:32:45 am
How the world looks through different eyes...


http://alphadesigner.com/project-mapping-stereotypes.html (http://alphadesigner.com/project-mapping-stereotypes.html)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 12, 2011, 01:18:06 pm
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?

To which he replied: That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on February 12, 2011, 05:47:59 pm
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Title: Re: Valentine
Post by: Pendragon on February 12, 2011, 06:37:21 pm
A 54 yr old woman had a heart attackand was taken to hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God she asked  "is my time up?" Goed said: "No you have another 43 yrs, 2 months and 8n days to live."
Upon recovery  the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone to come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Crossing the street on the way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43yrs? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied "I didn't recognise you!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on February 12, 2011, 07:26:44 pm
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 _))* _))* _))* L0L L0L L0L L0L :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 13, 2011, 01:35:27 pm
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
There's not many jokes that I haven't heard before, this is one of them
excellent  L0L
Title: Re: Dreadful jokes
Post by: Pendragon on February 15, 2011, 11:46:10 am
Paddy was showing off his new flask at work. Mick said "What does it do Paddy?"
"well....apparently it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"So what have you got in there today then Paddy?" said Mick
Paddy replies "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice!"  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 15, 2011, 11:38:18 pm
The Tax System Explained in Beer

Everything can be explained using beer:

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.  If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.  The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.  "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."  Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.  So the first four men were unaffected.  They would still drink for free.  But what about the other six men?  How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?  They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.  But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before.  And the first four continued to drink for free.  But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.  He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.  "I only saved a dollar, too.  It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man.  "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2?  The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all.  This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him.  But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important – they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.  The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.  Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.  In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

 

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: dontheturner on February 17, 2011, 01:53:46 am
 
  Just for the benefit of the ladies on here:--

    http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/ (http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 19, 2011, 07:16:51 pm
"ʞɔnl pɐq ʎpoolq ǝɹ,noʎ"
"¿ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ"
"˙lɹıɥs"
"˙ǝɔnɹq sǝʎ"
"˙ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ llıʇs ǝɹ,noʎ puɐ ssǝlǝsn 'ǝıp oʇ ʇnoqɐ 'uıɐd ƃuıʇɐınɹɔxǝ uı 'ɯɐ ı ǝɹǝɥ ʍou"
"'ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ ɥo"
"˙ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ pǝʎɐʇs llıʇs noʎ :ʇno ʇɥƃıɹ sn pǝdıʍ ɥɔıɥʍ 'ʇɥƃnoɹp ǝɥʇ uǝɥʇ puɐ 'ǝɹıɟɥsnq ɐ sɐʍ ǝɹǝɥʇ 'ʇɐɥʇ ɹǝʌo ʇoƃ ǝʍ uǝɥʍ ʇsnɾ uǝɥʇ 'pǝpoolɟ ɯɹɐɟ ǝɥʇ"
˙sʎɐs ǝɥs '"ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ 'ɥo"
"˙ɯɹɐɟ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq puɐ 'ʎʇılıqɐsıp ǝɯ oʇ ǝnp 'qoɾ ɐ ʇǝƃ ʇ,uplnoɔ 'ǝɯoɥ ǝɯɐɔ 'uǝɥʇ"
˙sʎɐs ǝɥs "ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ ɥo"
"˙ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ pǝʎɐʇs noʎ ˙sƃǝl ǝɯ ʇsol ı ǝɹǝɥʍ 'ǝuıl ʇuoɹɟ ǝɥʇ oʇ ʇuǝs sɐʍ puɐ 'dn pǝuıoɾ ı 'pǝʇɹɐʇs ɹɐʍ ǝɥʇ uǝɥʇ
˙sʎɐs ǝɥs '"ǝɔnɹq 'sǝʎ 'ɥo"
"ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ ǝɹǝʍ noʎ :ʇsnq ʇuǝʍ 'uoıssǝɹdǝp ǝɥʇ uı ssǝuısnq ɐ ʎnq oʇ pǝıɹʇ 'ʇno pǝʇɹɐʇs ǝʍ uǝɥʍ 'lɹıɥs" 'sʎɐs puɐ 'sɹɐǝʎ 06 ɟo ǝɟıʍ lnɟɥʇıɐɟ sıɥ 'ʎǝlɹıɥs ɹǝʌo sllɐɔ ǝɥ ˙pǝq sıɥ uı ƃuıʎp sǝıl ɹǝlʇʇɐq uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ plo uɐ
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 19, 2011, 07:18:00 pm
/ɯoɔ˙uʍopǝpısdnǝdʎʇ˙ʍʍʍ//:dʇʇɥ
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on February 20, 2011, 01:20:15 am
 :votive:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 21, 2011, 11:20:39 pm
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 22, 2011, 11:36:31 pm
God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'


God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.


Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'what's a river?'


God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said , 'What is a hill?'


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'


After God explained, He said, 'in the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'how do I do that?'


God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....



'Lord, What's a headache?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on February 22, 2011, 11:36:54 pm
The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offence.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "It's not as tender as Spotted Owl, but it's much better than Bald Eagle!"
Title: Re: C-Nile virus
Post by: Ian on February 24, 2011, 08:13:10 am
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect  those who were born prior to 1965 ...
 
Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !  That too!
 
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.  Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
 
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
 
 Hmmm.....Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Scott on March 02, 2011, 08:04:21 pm
Try emptying a bag of Maltesers onto the floor at a Weightwatchers meeting for a life size exciting game of Hungry Hippos!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on March 13, 2011, 11:26:10 pm
A lexiphile is a lover of words, in other words, people who are fascinated by words and language. This word is derived from the Greek roots for 'word' and for 'love.'

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Title: Re: The latest road tragedy
Post by: brumbob on March 14, 2011, 05:53:42 pm
you've got no chance against this


Title: Re: The latest road tragedy
Post by: Yorkie on March 14, 2011, 06:50:56 pm
The LIEBHERR T-282c -  where have I heard that name before?
Payload 400 ton.
Title: Re: The latest road tragedy
Post by: Trojan on March 14, 2011, 06:54:39 pm
very graphic, it's better to drive a large 4x4

Yes, of couse it is.  8)

accident mining (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5v7PEoVbfM#)
Title: Re: The latest road tragedy
Post by: Yorkie on March 14, 2011, 07:19:00 pm
   L0L   L0L   L0L
Title: Re: The latest road tragedy
Post by: brumbob on March 15, 2011, 04:31:35 pm
creating more disjointed reading :roll:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on March 15, 2011, 06:29:46 pm
 :laugh: found it  :P
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on March 15, 2011, 07:12:22 pm
What women really mean


Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on March 18, 2011, 11:05:45 pm
Quiet night. Man sitting at home on the porch with his wife.

He says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on March 18, 2011, 11:39:18 pm
 Z**      L0L L0L L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on March 19, 2011, 06:00:08 pm
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
> will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
> which was the other possibility.
>
>
> As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
> English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
> year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
>
>
> In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will
> make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
> favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
> one less letter.
>
>
> There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
> troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like
> fotograf 20% shorter.
>
>
> In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
> to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
>
>
>
>
>
> Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
> always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>
> Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
> is disgrasful and it should go away.
>
>
> By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
> with "z" and "w" with "v".
>
> During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
> "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
>
>
>
> Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
> understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>
>
>
> Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
> ze forst plas.
>
>
> If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
>
>
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on March 21, 2011, 04:27:14 am
 :)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on March 21, 2011, 07:46:33 am
Am I missing something?    )*)&
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on March 22, 2011, 06:06:30 pm
Am I missing something?    )*)&

Yes.  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on March 22, 2011, 06:37:42 pm
What?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on March 25, 2011, 12:11:08 pm
The patient said, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, and you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh and heard, "Give me £10! I'm desperate! I need £10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need £5! Just £5! Please! I'm desperate!"

The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need £20! Please lend me £20, please! I am really desperate!"

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in any of my books," the doctor said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"However, I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on March 25, 2011, 07:47:26 pm
Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is
broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on March 25, 2011, 08:02:47 pm
I know the feeling!

Etiam oblivisci quod scis interdum expedit.

(It is sometimes expedient to forget what you know.)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: brumbob on March 25, 2011, 08:08:57 pm
how did you remember that  :o
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on March 25, 2011, 08:11:45 pm
Remember what ?      >>>
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on March 28, 2011, 10:03:13 pm
In a similar vein,
 JOIN THE CLUB.

Just a line to say that I`m living
That I`m not amongst the dead.
Though I`m getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head
I`ve got used to my arthritis
To my dentures I`m resigned
I can cope with my bi-focals,
But - ye gods - I miss my mind.

Sometimes I can`t remember
When I`m standing by the stairs,
If I`m going up for something
Or have just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often
My mind is full of doubt:
Now did I put some food away,
Or come to take some out?

If it`s not my turn to write dear
I hope you won`t get sore.
I may think I have written
 And don`t want to be a bore.
So remember I do love you,
And wished that you lived near,
But now it`s time to mail this
And say goodbye my dear.

I`m standing beside the mail box,
And my face - it sure is red.
Instead of posting this to you
I`ve opened it instead.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on March 29, 2011, 08:26:34 am
What do you call a dead blond in a closet? The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
 
How Does a Blonde Kill Fish? She drowns it.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
 
Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days? It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes? Elvis has been sighted.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? She turned it over and used the other side.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.

How does a blonde high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out all the "W"s

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
 
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
 
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen.
 
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? There's writing on the white-out.
 
How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it.

Why do all blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead? Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it!

What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on April 09, 2011, 10:25:29 pm
Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

 
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform..  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

 
   
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 15, 2011, 02:12:32 pm
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday...
















We now have to call him Dav   ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on April 15, 2011, 02:16:08 pm
 :(
Title: Re: Voting reform or not?
Post by: Yorkie on April 15, 2011, 09:00:25 pm
How dare you...Berlusconi is a great man. Just ask Ruby the Heart Stealer...  Z**
Title: Re: Voting reform or not?
Post by: Fester on April 15, 2011, 09:01:40 pm
Well,  to be fair to Berlusconi, I think I too might abdicate my responsibilities for THAT !
Title: Re: Voting reform or not?
Post by: Yorkie on April 15, 2011, 09:08:43 pm
Found your weak spot?     L0L
Title: Re: Voting reform or not?
Post by: DaveR on April 15, 2011, 09:17:07 pm
Is that her? I thought this was her:

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on April 16, 2011, 01:23:30 am
 L0L I liked it!
Title: Re: Voting reform or not?
Post by: Yorkie on April 16, 2011, 07:46:29 am
Or these - and there are tons at the link!

http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=berlusconi+ruby&hl=en&rlz=1G1SMSNCENUK405&prmd=ivnsu&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=rTqpTej2GZSAhAfA7NDPCQ&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1003&bih=587 (http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=berlusconi+ruby&hl=en&rlz=1G1SMSNCENUK405&prmd=ivnsu&source=lnms&tbm=isch&ei=rTqpTej2GZSAhAfA7NDPCQ&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=2&ved=0CBcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1003&bih=587)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on April 16, 2011, 04:09:11 pm
L0L I liked it!

Meaning Ian's joke.....My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday...(I had posted after Yorkies  :( reaction to the joke)

However, posts have been removed from Voting Reform or not? and placed into this section before and after my post, leaving my simple post stranded and leaving the possible assumption that I was liking something else.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 17, 2011, 07:55:21 am
Quote
However, posts have been removed from Voting Reform or not? and placed into this section before and after my post, leaving my simple post stranded and leaving the possible assumption that I was liking something else.

Saaarry!   :Sisyphus:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on April 17, 2011, 07:44:34 pm
Quote
However, posts have been removed from Voting Reform or not? and placed into this section before and after my post, leaving my simple post stranded and leaving the possible assumption that I was liking something else.

Saaarry!   :Sisyphus:

That's okay, upon further inspection it doesn't look out of place at all.

I think I prefer Ruby  :-* to your joke.  ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on May 01, 2011, 06:53:02 pm
Two (insert racially insensitive word here) are shingling a roof, when one looks at the other one and sees him throwing away ever other nail in his box.

"Hey, you stupid (additional or repeated racially insensitive word), why are you throwing out half your nails?"

The other (racially insensitive word) replies:
"Because half the nails have the head on the wrong end!"

"No, you Frost-ing retarded (racially insensitive word) the first says: "Those are for the other side of the roof!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Paddy on May 02, 2011, 04:50:00 am
(insert racially insensitive word here)

The Wouldn't be Paddys by any chance would it?  ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on May 02, 2011, 08:31:57 am
The idea is for folk to fill in their own choice of word.   
I would NEVER think of using Paddy having a number of friends from that green and pleasant land.    Z**
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on May 02, 2011, 10:13:54 pm
The idea is for folk to fill in their own choice of word.   
I would NEVER think of using Paddy having a number of friends from that green and pleasant land.    Z**

I know a Chinese guy called Paddy Fields.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on May 03, 2011, 08:22:29 am
The idea is for folk to fill in their own choice of word.   
I would NEVER think of using Paddy having a number of friends from that green and pleasant land.    Z**

I know a Chinese guy called Paddy Fields.

I won't rice to that!   _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Paddy on May 03, 2011, 06:43:00 pm
The idea is for folk to fill in their own choice of word.   
I would NEVER think of using Paddy having a number of friends from that green and pleasant land.    Z**

Well I've thought of lots of words Yorkie and the best one is definitely Paddy. I'm sure your friends from Ireland wouldn't be offended.

Incidentally, the word your friends would insert is "Kerryman".
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on May 19, 2011, 10:38:12 pm
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby bragging about their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of his office, and asked them to disperse.

'But why?,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on May 19, 2011, 11:13:27 pm
Oh dear Oh dear   :roll:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on May 19, 2011, 11:26:24 pm
                The New Zealander, his dog and his sheep!
                 
                 
New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful soft clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red soft clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'.


     
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on June 08, 2011, 06:23:33 pm
 From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2.  "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be  banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry  I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated:  'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

19.  "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." 


(They walk amongst us and they Vote !!! )
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Quiggs on June 17, 2011, 05:26:40 pm
My missus rang me earlier and said  "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU ?"..... I replied " You know that jewellers, where you admired those Diamond Earings and said that you really liked them ".  " Yes she replied " in a much softer voice. " Well I'm in the Pub opposite getting drunk."   ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on June 19, 2011, 05:32:16 am
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on July 25, 2011, 10:48:04 pm
Tonight my wife was sat at the kitchen table, counting out piles of 1p, 2p and 5p coins..

Suddenly, she started crying, shouting at me and acting unreasonably.

I thought to myself,  that woman is going through the change.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on July 26, 2011, 04:43:49 am
Did you hear that one at Langtry's Fester?  :laugh:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on August 07, 2011, 07:25:27 pm
Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions

and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful
woman in the room and will enable her to be confident,
sexy, seductive, and invincible.






No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.

Sorry.



Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on August 08, 2011, 02:19:04 pm
Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel round the world with my darling husband" says wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. Husband says: "Sorry but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." Fairy waves wand and husband becomes 92. Moral of story - men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female!! :)

 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: amitT on August 09, 2011, 06:53:37 am
 The Microsoft Restaurant
 Patron: Waiter!
 Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems
             to be the problem?
  Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
  Waiter: Try again, maybe tThe Microsoft Restauranthe fly won't be there this time.
  Patron: No, it's still there.
  Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it
             with a fork instead.
  Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
  Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of
                bowl are you using?
  Patron: A SOUP bowl!
  Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
              problem. How was the bowl set up?
  Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with
               the fly in my soup?!
  Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the
               fly in your soup?
  Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
  Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
  Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
  Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
  Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
  Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
  Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running
               late now.
  [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the
  check]
  Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
  Patron: This is potato soup.
  Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
  Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
  [waiter leaves.]
  Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
 
The check:
  Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

___________________
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on August 09, 2011, 09:05:12 am
 :)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on August 09, 2011, 11:58:36 pm
Original sin ...........
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on September 12, 2011, 02:08:46 pm
from another forum that I'm on....

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous..'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...







'Mixin-me-toasties.'
       
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 09, 2011, 07:36:48 am
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"

The Irishman says, "Yes."

"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"

The Irishman looks at him and says,

"Just how bloody big is the teapot?"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 16, 2011, 09:03:56 am
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 16, 2011, 07:34:36 pm
I went for nice meal in town last night.... I had grilled PELICAN!

It was quite nice, but I won't order it again, because the bill was enormous.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2011, 09:14:58 pm
 &shake&
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2011, 09:23:07 pm
"My new job is to crush soft drink cans. It's soda pressing."

"Just got into an argument with a bus conductor. In no uncertain terms he told me where to get off."

"Just been talking to a drag artist from greater Manchester. He had a wigan address."

"I like to feed the monkeys at the zoo from a distance with a golf club. I drive them bananas."

"Today I will be opening my new restaurant. It's called Karma. We offer just desserts."

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on October 16, 2011, 09:23:19 pm
‎"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 16, 2011, 10:00:06 pm
High brow joke...

One Hydrogen atom says to another Hydrogen atom, ... ''hey, I seem to be missing one of my electrons''

Are you sure?  said the first Hydrogen atom,..

Yes, I'm POSITIVE!

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Welshmunchkin on October 25, 2011, 04:03:45 pm
The weather in Britain should be classified as Muslim weather.
Partly its Sunni, but most of the time it's Shi'ite! ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on October 26, 2011, 04:13:15 pm
Letter written by 86 year old woman to her bank  Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the   inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.   I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.  Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a> > PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank> > service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:  IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH  #1. To make an appointment to see me  #2. To query a missing payment.  #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.   #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping  #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. > >  #6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home  #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later  date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.  #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.  Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I  wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?  Your Humble Client  (Remember: This was written by an  86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!! ) And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off. 
just loved it, sums up what we have to put up with these days
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 03, 2011, 03:44:43 pm
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"  The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."  "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" 

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."  St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?" 

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.  The third blonde continued.  "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.  He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."  St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.  The third blonde continued, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 06, 2011, 08:55:26 am
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 06, 2011, 03:01:24 pm
A heart surgeon died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart, made up of flowers. When the vicar finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after
everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynaecologist.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on November 06, 2011, 03:09:09 pm
Ian, both of those jokes made me laugh!  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 07, 2011, 08:21:38 am
 $thanx$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 07, 2011, 08:29:06 am
DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.

 
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', said David - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained David - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said:

'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr.Clegg wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed David. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
   

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be a f***ing accident either!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 07, 2011, 10:11:21 am
  Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
 
 
 
    17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the
question please."

 _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 11, 2011, 08:34:09 am
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, etc..."


My girlfriend called the cops and told them she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well...to be honest, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated and must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "Obviously, you haven't been listening."


My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back.


I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 11, 2011, 08:35:08 am
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but unfortunately our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on November 11, 2011, 01:09:47 pm
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
 There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
 Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
 1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed    2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed  3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed    4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed   5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc      It can't get any easier than that!
 P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
 If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.        Also………..
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
 This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
 They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
 They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.  Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
 They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.  They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.  Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
 Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
 The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
 Think about this (more points of contention):
 COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on November 11, 2011, 11:56:48 pm
My wife asked my to get our ginger-haired son ready for his first day at school.

So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on November 12, 2011, 06:17:46 am
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
 

Hard to fault the logic of this  :laugh:  But...

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

Hmm.. I don't smoke and I don't drink a lot so I would need a big shed to store it.... that would help the shed industry  ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on November 12, 2011, 10:46:15 pm
Note to self:  must open lock up business  :P
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 13, 2011, 07:17:09 am
Quote
My wife asked my to get our ginger-haired son ready for his first day at school.

So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.



 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 13, 2011, 07:18:44 am
Not sure if this is really funny, but...

How the financial crisis started;

Helga is the proprietor of a bar.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Helga's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga's bar.

Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Helga's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AA" "Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga's bar. He so informs Helga.

Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Helga's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers. Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a
multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Helga’s bar.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 13, 2011, 10:34:56 am
Which all very cleverly sums up how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer!

Could almost be any European Government instead of a Bar!     ZXZ
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: norman08 on November 13, 2011, 11:43:41 am
snowcap i have just read your piece spot on , you should send that to no 10, also the extra money the so called alkies get to sit in the pub all day that could go to a better cause
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 16, 2011, 02:17:57 pm
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it,
a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big A*** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 16, 2011, 04:43:52 pm
64 Ways to Piss off Cops

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer,
 there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, "No, my
speedometer only goes to......"
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says "No", cry.
11) If he says "Yes", accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself
on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on
your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's
the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just
ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear
you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with
his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says "Yes", say, "I thought the name
sounded familiar....."
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says "Yes", ask him
how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him,
quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say, "What are you talking about, DUDE?"
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say, "Hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonight......."
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say "I have a badge just like yours!"
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favourite
Friends.
41) Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say "There is no alcohol in my
car, sir, the last cop got it."
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say, "What you gonna do with
that?"
58) If you are female, say "I don't do that on the first date."
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck
your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if
mine was bigger.
62) Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colours!"
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask him if you can wear his uniform to a Halloween party
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 18, 2011, 03:02:03 pm
    * The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
    * When I was in the pub I heard a couple of morons saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist ****s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
      * Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
    * Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
     * Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick twit!"
    * Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
    * 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
    * An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on December 08, 2011, 12:04:26 pm
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on December 08, 2011, 12:06:19 pm
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her red  sports car and was pulled over by a policewoman, who was also blonde.
The blonde officer asked to see the blonde driver's License.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
"It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman.
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a policewoman."
             
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on December 16, 2011, 12:09:49 am
The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes, honestly it’s true!
He pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
he must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandpa you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him
And send him back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer.........
They are the greatest!!!
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing ..
NEVER Be The First To Get Old!
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on January 18, 2012, 09:11:33 am
God Loves Drunk People Too


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on February 03, 2012, 08:11:02 pm
British Humour is Different...
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K.. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little naughty boy. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Bellringer on February 09, 2012, 12:46:53 pm
Comic Tim Vine, has won the annual award for the "Best One Liner" at an event in West London, with

"Conjunctivitis.com  - that's a site for sore eyes!"

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on February 19, 2012, 07:48:58 pm
SPORTS NEWS: A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SDQ on February 19, 2012, 08:07:17 pm
Ally McCoist has just accepted a full time contract with Sky. He said "The pay is much better but I've never fitted satellite dishes before"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on February 21, 2012, 06:13:03 pm
WORD PLAY

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on March 05, 2012, 12:30:18 pm
A guy is driving around the back lanes of  Shropshire.
He sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for  eight  years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had lots of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on March 05, 2012, 01:39:23 pm
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 09, 2012, 03:35:06 pm
Here are some questions and the answers received on TV and Radio shows:-

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
 
Jeremy Paxman:
 What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
 
Contestant:
 Homosexuals.
 
Jeremy Paxman:
 No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
 


 BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:
 Where do you think Cambridge University is?
 
Contestant:
 Geography isn't my strong point.
 
Jamie Theakston:
 There's a clue in the title.
 
Contestant:
 Leicester
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
 
Richard:
 On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
 
Contestant:
 Er. .. ...
 
Richard:
 He makes bread . . ..
 
Contestant:
 Er . .....
 
Richard:
 He makes cakes . . ..
 
Contestant:
 Kipling Street ?
 


 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
 
Presenter:
 Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
 
Contestant:
 Barcelona
 
Presenter:
 I was really after the name of a country.
 
Contestant:
 I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain
 


 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
 
Question:
 What is the world's largest continent?
 
Contestant:
 The Pacific.
 


 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
 
Presenter:
 Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
 
Contestant:
 Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 


 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
 
Steve Le Fevre:
 What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
 
Contestant:
 Magna Carta?
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 30, 2012, 06:13:25 pm
I decided to join the Samaritans and after my first call I got sacked
A guy called Abdul phoned and said,  "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".
I said,  "Remain calm and stay on the line" .
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: born2run on August 05, 2012, 11:29:13 am
Just bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door. _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on August 12, 2012, 12:43:36 am
It's my scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow.

I thought I would surprise him,, so I have put a tenner in his Nanna's purse.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Bri Roberts on October 28, 2012, 09:17:41 am
Gary Glitter taken away by police,

They knocked and shouted: 'Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on.'

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-20114378 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-20114378)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on October 28, 2012, 11:14:03 am
Apparently they found class a drugs in his lounge, class b in his kitchen and class 5c in his bedroom!   :(
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Bri Roberts on October 28, 2012, 12:59:48 pm
 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Nemesis on October 30, 2012, 09:20:10 am
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0 (http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0)

Had this sent today !!! Tickled my warped sense of humour!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Llechwedd on November 28, 2012, 12:22:42 pm
Thre men died and happened to arrive at the same time at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter met them and told them that as it was Christmas they had to produce something to demonstrate the Festive spirit before he would let them in.
The English man produced a lighter and lit it and said Candles?  St peter let him in.
The Scotsman produced a key ring, shook it and said bells? St. Peter let him in.
The Irish man was frantically hunting through his pockets and then produced with a flourish a pair of knickers.  St Peter raised an eyebrow.
They're Carol's said the Irish man.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 28, 2012, 12:30:08 pm
I object - racism at it's very worst! WWW
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Llechwedd on November 28, 2012, 12:41:22 pm
 :-*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on November 28, 2012, 04:46:20 pm
what is paddy,s name, my wife,s carol
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Llechwedd on November 28, 2012, 11:59:04 pm
 _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 05, 2012, 09:59:35 am
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knewthey had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamondnecklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would getit for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and
stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to that."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on December 05, 2012, 11:38:08 am
Ha ha, nice one Ian.

My new girlfriend has informed me that it will be at least 6 months before she will sleep with me.

I have told her that I totally understand and respect her decision, and I will call her nearer the time.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 29, 2012, 08:11:49 am
A Northerner decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute.

He shouted to his missus, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Newcastle United.”
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on January 04, 2013, 03:17:49 pm
Today, I saw a guy I know who has no arms and no legs.
He was waiting at the Bus Stop.

I said 'Hi, How are you getting on?




Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Tosh on January 04, 2013, 03:51:40 pm
Today I saw a man at the bus stop with only one arm and one leg.
I said " hello, can I give you a hand, hop on.?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on February 08, 2013, 08:35:43 pm
Today, I saw a guy I know who has no arms and no legs.
He was waiting at the Bus Stop.

I said 'Hi, How are you getting on?

He said ,"Don't worry about that.  You should see how I ring the bell when I want to get off!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on March 03, 2013, 10:27:18 pm
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER
THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD
LUCK,MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR
GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL
ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERNTOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH
LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP
THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on March 25, 2013, 08:14:58 am
A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on March 25, 2013, 08:25:09 am
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The question is designed to test an understanding of 'Boyle’s Law' (gas cools when it expands and heats when compressed).

One student wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1: if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2: if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during Year 12 that ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explain why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

This student received an A*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on March 26, 2013, 12:01:07 pm
Yorkshire Folk

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year, and every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "

 Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed! "

Bill replied, " Well, to tell you t'truth I almost said summat when Blanche fell out, but tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! "

 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on August 02, 2013, 11:47:55 am
Another Yorkshire collection:

Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

 Police have just released details of a new drug craze
that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

..............................................................................

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman, "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet, "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman, "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us."

..............................................................................

 A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet. he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman, "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller, "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman, "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft b****r!"

..............................................................................

 Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks his chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell A*** cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on August 02, 2013, 12:11:58 pm
The Aynuk and Ayli jokes from the Back Country are also excellent in Dialect.

Aynuk and Ayli are standing in Aynuks back garden, Aynuks next door neighbour is running up and down his back garden pretending he's riding a motorbike, Ayli says, "whats up wi im?" Aynuk says, "tek no notice he's saft in the yed, he thinks he's in the Isle o mon in the TT recess.". Ayli says, "but he ay got a bike yo orter tell him", " b****r off" says Aynuk "he pays me a fiver a wik to clean it."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on August 03, 2013, 12:11:57 am
The Aynuk and Ayli jokes from the Back Country are also excellent in Dialect.

Would this be at the back of your house?

 :D

Tosh!  :P
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on August 03, 2013, 07:13:23 am
The Aynuk and Ayli jokes from the Back Country are also excellent in Dialect.

Would this be at the back of your house?

 :D

Tosh!  :P

Got it in one!   Just at the back of Dudley Zoo . . . . . . . .  *snore* *snore* *snore*

(Pronounced Doo d lee)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Tosh on August 23, 2013, 12:10:03 pm
Whoy ar yo askin may, oim nor a brummay.
I'm a Stokie and proud of it.
And as for the Shropshire oatcakes they keep on about, there's no such thing, they're Staffordshire oatcakes and they'll put hairs on your chest, as they say rind here.


Try this one,,,,
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
He asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork.'                 
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.''
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says, "Well, he’s certainly your son…!”
The robot slaps the mother.

Tosh
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on August 24, 2013, 03:41:49 pm
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug
users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood
transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor


'Your mother must have been a carrier'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Tosh on August 24, 2013, 04:01:01 pm
Two balloons got married and 9 months later they had a little balloon.
I'm afraid that they spoiled the bay balloon by letting him sleep with them.
This wasn't too bad until he became a bit big for squeezing in between them in the middle of the night so they told him to stop sneaking in to them.
Baby balloon was very lonely at three o'clock in the morning so he crept into his parents bed and tried to squeeze in the middle.
It was very difficult so he let a bit of air out of his muumy and a little bit out of his daddy but he still couldn't squeeze in so out of sheer desperation he let a bit of air out of himself and finally he slid in.
Well, in the morning his parents awoke and they were very angry with him, "you naughty little baby balloon" his daddy said, "how dare you do this".
"We are very ashamed of you, do you realise that you have let your mummy down, you've let me down and worst of all you've let yourself down".  _))* _))* _))* _))*


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on August 24, 2013, 10:59:52 pm
Did you hear about the TV aerial that got married to another TV aerial?

I got an invite, the ceremony was boring but the RECEPTION WAS FANTASTIC!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on August 25, 2013, 06:30:54 am
 :(  As old as Methuselah himself.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on August 26, 2013, 12:04:46 am
:(  As old as Methuselah himself.

You should know, old Pal.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on August 29, 2013, 06:40:25 pm
This posting from another site amused me!   ZXZ
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 06, 2013, 02:56:29 pm
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on September 16, 2013, 12:49:35 pm
An article from the Kentucky Post

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes Hospital.
Her claim was that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Trojan on September 17, 2013, 05:11:40 am
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 14, 2013, 03:47:09 pm
                                   Letters to Dear Abby that didn't make the cut ..........

                     ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE  FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall  from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker  in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never  seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be  Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity,  Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man  I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is  his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman  who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think  my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to  discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my  husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he  denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear  Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was  raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear  Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get  out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a  psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be  crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill  for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home  sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think  she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some  woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what  do I do?

 


 
  Remember,  these people walk among us & can  vote!!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 24, 2013, 07:46:36 am
Not sure how true this is, but it could easily be,..

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's A*** and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco.  Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on October 24, 2013, 08:55:42 am
 _))* _))* I really hope it is true!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on October 27, 2013, 03:08:27 pm
A man walks into a dentists and says: “You’ve got to help me. I think I’m a moth.” The dentist says: “To be quite frank, I don’t think I can help. What you need is a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here anyway?” The man replies: “Well, the light was on…”’
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on November 16, 2013, 10:56:25 am
These are clean, but decidedly non-PC.



Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
 
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
 
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
 
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
 
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women!The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday.


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on November 16, 2013, 11:58:05 am
Little Jewish boy, rushes into his Father and says, "papa, Papa, so already I'm on my way to my first million."  "Why, my Son, what have you done to seek my praise?"
"Today, Papa, coming from School, I ran home behind the bus, and I saved 20 pence!"
"I see you still have much to learn my Son!  It will take you a long time with such small rewards."
"So what shall I do Papa?" asks the Son.
"Tomorrow, my boy, you will run home behind a taxi and save £5!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 23, 2013, 09:17:31 pm
There was once a little boy who loved tractors. He had everything to do with tractors, tractor books, tractor toys, tractor posters. But the only thing he loved more than tractors was his pet dog. One day, his dog was run over and killed by a tractor, and from that day in he hated them - burnt all his books and posters and threw away his toys and never thought of them again. He grew up and started dating, and met a lovely woman who he took out on a date to the local pub. He opens the door for her and she walked inside, and then walked straight back out again. He asked her what was wrong. She replied "it's too smoky in there, I can't breath the air is too thick with cigarette smoke". "No problem" he said, "I'll sort that out for you". So he went into the pub, took a huge breath in and sucked up all the smoke, came back outside and breathed out again, letting out a plume of smoke. Low and behold, when she went back in, the air was clear!! "How on earth did you do that?" She asked. "Easy" he replied, "I'm an EXTRACTOR fan"!!!!!!!! :roll: :roll:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Nemesis on November 24, 2013, 09:01:26 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Tosh on November 24, 2013, 11:51:39 am
Grooooooaaaaaaaan. ???
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Tosh on November 24, 2013, 11:56:18 am
The young farmer fancied a girl in the village so he asked his dad what he could do, his dad told him to do something sexy to attract her.
The next day his dad saw him standing in front of his tractor ouside the girls house with no clothes on and dancing provocatively.
His dad asked him what he was doing and he said, you told me to do something sexy to a tractor. bum bum.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: barney on November 24, 2013, 09:09:41 pm
Oooooooo No $good$ $good$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Nemesis on December 21, 2013, 08:37:23 am
Juvenile I know-- but this amused me.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?


Can you smell carrot ? :o :-X
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 21, 2013, 08:40:42 am
 $lol$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 25, 2013, 03:06:53 pm
Happy Xmas


Christmas Animation Elefant Studios (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeEeAVdhtSw#ws)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 26, 2013, 09:11:23 am
Admin - please delete above post as it is snot working correctly.
Many thanks.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 26, 2013, 09:13:05 am
I will if you wish, Y, but I've just followed the link and it worked perfectly and I thought it pretty funny :-)))
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 26, 2013, 09:24:40 am
It doesn't seem to be working for me, but as I've seen it, you can leave it on if you wish.   :D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 26, 2013, 09:29:57 am
I've linked to the original on YoutTube, so it should work for you now.  It's rather good :-))
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 26, 2013, 06:53:41 pm
The more I look at it, the funnier it becomes! 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 26, 2013, 07:50:15 pm
Nice!  _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on December 28, 2013, 11:22:52 am
It has been reported that Speed Dating in Wales has got off to a good start!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: systema on December 28, 2013, 02:59:43 pm
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on January 16, 2014, 10:47:04 pm
  Rules of Senior Golf               
 
A wonderful set of Rules have been introduced for the “Wrinkles”. These are common sense rules; some based on scientific fact, and are known as “The Rules of Senior Golf”. Careful application can do wonders for your game. Some may see it as cheating but I like to think of them as the perks earned over a lifetime of playing golf. Use these Rules at your discretion, but be forewarned: the youngsters in the fourball may complain! Tough!
 
Rule 1:     A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed at the nearest point on the fairway WITHOUT PENALTY. When over 50 you should not be penalised for uncontrollable mechanical failure.
 
Rule 2:     A ball hitting a tree should be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player is entitled to estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there WITHOUT PENALTY.
 
Rule 3:     There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by taking a penalty stroke.
 
Rule 4:     If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Laws of Golf.
 
Rule 5:     Putts that stop so close to the cup that they can be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches (eight cms) from the hole. No one wishes to make a travesty of the game.
 
Rule 6:     There is no penalty for so called “out of bounds” (OOB). If penny pinching golf club owners had bought enough land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
 
Rule 7:     There is NO PENALTY for a ball going into a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that the manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer’s shortcomings.
 
Rule 8:     Advertisements proclaim that technology can improve golfers’ handicaps by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for most senior golfers, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
 

 
Gentlemen
 These are not the proper rules of golf
 Honestly!!!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on January 25, 2014, 08:39:30 am
All, please excuse the four letter words in the following story


I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them.


 


A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.


When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,"Oh, Mama..., he used words like:   dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 25, 2014, 11:40:58 am
Reminds me of Groom on his wedding night who phoned his Mother.  He told her that his new wife had confessed to him that she was still a virgin and what should he do.

Mother replied, "Well Son, if she's not good enough for any other man, she's no good for you.  I'll come and get you straight away!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Pendragon on February 20, 2014, 09:45:50 pm
 _))*  Some of these screen shots are proper funny
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on February 28, 2014, 07:25:52 am
OOPs!

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
 
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tampering with your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting anything at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on February 28, 2014, 07:52:24 am
 _))*  _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on March 24, 2014, 07:06:00 am
A retired couple were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a cozy restaurant. Suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. When it dissolved, a gorgeous fairy about as tall as a salt shaker was standing on the table. She looked up and announced, “For being such an exemplary married couple, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife—who was 62 years of age, just like her husband—exclaimed, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!” The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for a cruise liner’s around-the-world voyage materialized in the wife’s hands.

The husband pondered for a few moments. Then he looked at his wife and huffed, “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry, dear, but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than I am.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband instantly became 92 years old.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on March 24, 2014, 08:17:25 am
 _))* L0L
Title: Re: Stop Press
Post by: Bri Roberts on April 02, 2014, 11:16:52 pm
£200m scheme welcomed by tourism bosses in North Wales

Title: Re: Re: Stop Press
Post by: Fester on April 03, 2014, 12:37:38 am
Looks interesting,  any more details Bri?
Title: Re: Re: Stop Press
Post by: Bri Roberts on April 03, 2014, 05:47:28 am
Government planners have given the green light for a study into a bridge over the River Dee between West Kirby and Prestatyn.

The £200m bridge would see a toll road from the Mersey Tunnels linking to a bridge over the River Dee and onto the A55 - also known as the North Wales Expressway.

This would cut travel time from the Wirral to Wales and could cost as little as £1 per trip.

The scheme has been welcomed by tourism bosses in North Wales and authority leaders who believe the link could boost the local economy and help promote both regions as tourism hotspots.

It was reported during the morning of 1 April, Fester, so it may have been a hoax.

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/plans-bridge-linking-north-wales-6901045#comments (http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/plans-bridge-linking-north-wales-6901045#comments)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 03, 2014, 07:31:01 am
There have been some good ones.  My particular favourites were the Indie's reports that the Royal Mint is to start production of a 30p piece and is looking at introducing the 99p bit; the National Trust press release (http://www.ntsouthwest.co.uk/2014/04/putting-the-clock-forward-at-avebury-stone-circle/) that explained how they move Stone Henge twice a year when the clocks change; Slovakia's BBC equivalent showing a new programme for insomniacs showing presenters counting sheep - live - for five hours; the Daily Telegraph reporting that Alex Salmond's face will be on new Scottish currency if they become independent; Radio 4's news that Giraffe milk is going on sale; ITV's report about square eggs and finally, the story that even managed to fool Wikipedia's editors:

:The Guardian Australia's April fools' story has gone down rather too well, even fooling Wikipedia.

Readers in Australia woke up to news, filed by Guardian reporter Olaf Priol, that their most famed dessert, the Lamington, was in fact created in New Zealand and called a "Wellington". Most readers saw a red herring, spotting instantly the date of the report and the reporter's dubious record for reporting non-facts. But a minority appear to have taken the story as fact.

The lamington's Wikipedia page referenced Priol's article, beginning with the sentence: "A lamington is a dessert of New Zealand origin."

Whilst local radio in Queensland, previously understood to be the home of the aforementioned sugary treat, called in a local baker to decry foul play by the New Zealanders.

"The lamington has apparently been spotted in a 19th Century water colour painting in Auckland.... and thus is no longer an Australian invention!" said drive time host Tim Cox.

A further search for the artist JR Smythe revealed it is likely he never existed.:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: mull on April 03, 2014, 10:09:48 pm
Seem to remember in the 1950s proposals for a Dee crossing between Hoylake and Point of Air but it never came to anything.

So nothing new in this one even if it was a hoax.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 04, 2014, 07:31:58 am
That's right, there was, but cost considerations mean it's simply not feasible.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on April 13, 2014, 06:23:13 am
From Viz,
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 13, 2014, 07:34:18 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on May 09, 2014, 09:17:21 pm

 
 
 
 
 
 
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address !! 


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here !!
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on May 23, 2014, 09:18:32 am
Once upon a time there was an elderly Gentleman from the Three Towns who was suffering
from the trials and tribulations of his ageing process.  His wife of 50 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was.  She, out of love and desperation, took him to a nursing home where he would be better cared for.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out the paperwork, a nurse
had our Friend sit in a  comfy chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left.   The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.    A few minutes later, our Friend started leaning to his right.   Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.   Then our aged Friend starting leaning forward.  This time, the nurse strapped him firmly upright into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, returned to
him and asked, "Now George, I've done all the paperwork, so how do you like this place?"


"It's okay I suppose, the surroundings seem very nice, the nurses are very attentive." he said.  "But ---- they won't even let me fart."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on June 07, 2014, 08:16:23 pm

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

 "There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.

 "That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

 "Oh well. Couldn't we rename it ?" asked the official.

 "I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.

 "That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

 "Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."  ))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on June 09, 2014, 04:25:44 pm
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
”Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on June 24, 2014, 06:06:11 pm
The Queen's Riddle
 
David Cameron asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?  Are there any tips you can give me?"
 
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
 
David Cameron then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
 
The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.  I'll show you. Watch me and listen..."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said,"Yes, Mama?"

The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
 
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered, "That would be me."
 
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

"Ah Ha!  I get it!" said David.  "Thank you, Marm." And in a great rush he left.
 
David Cameron went back to Westminster and decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
 
"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg. And then he went on to say,  "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.

Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked, "Hey Nigel; see if you can answer this question."

"Shoot, Nick,"  replied Nigel.

"Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
 
Nigel Farage answered, without stalling, "That's easy, it's me!"
 
Nick Clegg grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
 
Nick Clegg then went back to find David Cameron and said to him, "David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

"If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the Child is Nigel Farage !"
 
David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"


. . AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP  IS DOING SO WELL 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on August 14, 2014, 01:54:23 pm
Heard about the dyslexic,    atheist,     insomniac.

He stayed up all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on August 27, 2014, 11:10:20 am
The Jewish people have always had a wonderful ability to laugh at themselves.  Hence, I have no hesitation in passing on this very short anecdote.

The scene is side road off Oxford Street in London's West End.
Avraham the shopkeeper, bumps into Moishe who is looking somewhat dejected and says, "Moishe my good friend, I am so sorry to hear about the fire."
"Shh," says Moishe, "Tomorrow!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on September 11, 2014, 11:48:33 pm
PRICELESS! -- WHAT A MAN
 
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.and, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight." I love you, darling!" Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old  son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.....
   "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table £239.99
   Hot Breakfast £4.20
  Two Aspirins 50p
 
  - Saying the right thing, at the right time. .PRICELESS
 
 
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 12, 2014, 08:47:04 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: born2run on September 12, 2014, 12:02:29 pm
haha brilliant
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: born2run on September 12, 2014, 12:03:13 pm
Has anybody watched the 'Vicars with Jokes' programme on BBC2 - If not it's very funny some classics in there
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SDQ on September 16, 2014, 06:31:41 am
A while ago HAGGENS opened a new store in Bellingham, WA.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.



Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.



In the meat department there is the aroma
of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking
and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma
of bacon and eggs frying.



The bread department features the tantalizing
smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy my toilet paper there anymore!
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on December 05, 2014, 09:17:57 pm
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
 "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?" 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 06, 2014, 08:05:33 am
 _))* _))* _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on December 06, 2014, 07:48:52 pm
Nice twist Bri!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 12, 2014, 04:06:06 pm
An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him.

 

She immediately dials 999.

Irish woman: ''It's me feckin’ husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've feckin’ killed him!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Missus. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done that..................... What next?''

 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 12, 2014, 04:56:44 pm
 _))* _))* _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 23, 2014, 05:25:23 pm
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to doggy doos yourself when I tell you the price!”
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on December 24, 2014, 12:03:24 am

       Walking on the Grass
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Kind of brings a tear to your eye and a lump to the throat.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 24, 2014, 07:54:50 am
 _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on December 27, 2014, 11:06:17 pm
I love this one
This was sent to me by one of my “Scouse” friends, say no more!!
 
With Christmas close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Merry Christmas and be safe out there

Best Regards
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 28, 2014, 08:08:59 am
 _))* _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on December 28, 2014, 08:50:36 am
So where is the taxi now?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on December 28, 2014, 12:34:45 pm
Buy one now before they sell out!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Yorkie on January 19, 2015, 09:00:08 pm
.Self Assessment
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: thaithyme on January 28, 2015, 02:33:19 am
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 Conclusion:
 Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: born2run on January 28, 2015, 10:49:15 am
Fester will be alright then  $good$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on May 27, 2015, 05:38:13 pm
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local market with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on May 27, 2015, 06:34:50 pm
Lot more of those here:

http://www.darwinawards.com/ (http://www.darwinawards.com/)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on August 11, 2015, 09:37:34 am
I received this e-mail the other day but couldn't find out from the Hoax Slayer if it was genuine.       It would be funny if it was true especially after finding out that two Policement were sheltering from the rain in the bus shelter by Llandrillo Tech college while  using a speed gun on motorists travelling from Penrhyn Bay
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DaveR on August 11, 2015, 09:39:53 am
I received this e-mail the other day but couldn't find out from the Hoax Slayer if it was genuine.       It would be funny if it was true especially after finding out that two Policement were sheltering from the rain in the bus shelter by Llandrillo Tech college while  using a speed gun on motorists travelling from Penrhyn Bay
http://snopes.com/autos/law/snaptrap.asp (http://snopes.com/autos/law/snaptrap.asp)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on August 11, 2015, 09:55:33 am
That would be great if it were true!  L0L
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on August 11, 2015, 10:29:17 am
Thanks Dave,  a pity that it wasn't true.   

The Police usually have a mobile camera van by the Llandrillo Tech but on this occasion they were hiding in the bus shelter.    I know that it's a 30mph zone but the A55 through Colwyn Bay is a 50mph zone and potentially more dangerous with large wagons doing well over the speed limit.
That's where the cameras should be.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on August 16, 2015, 09:45:53 pm
 Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little doggy doos is adorable.
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 08, 2015, 07:17:29 am
Hmmm...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on December 11, 2015, 08:54:40 pm
as one old fart i agree with all the following,                                                                         I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts"   but this makes me feel better about it.
And if you aren't one, I'll bet you know one!
I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!
OLD FART PRIDE
It's not a bad thing to be called an Old Fart.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the National Anthem, Old Farts remove their hats and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Normandy, Spitfires and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Bomb, Vietnam, the Korean War, the Cold War, the Moon Landing and all the Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005.
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are polite, particularly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone swears in front of women and children and they don't like any filthy language on TV.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag except about their children and grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the Air Force, Army, and Navy.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank Goodness for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on December 19, 2015, 04:27:17 pm
BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with so called Islamic State have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when so called Islamic State announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to it's members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, so called Islamic State chief executive in the U.K.,Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but so called Islamic State is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the former emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on January 27, 2016, 09:54:57 pm
Subject: The Irish divorce.
 
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law , Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife , Mary, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Mary would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law  comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you  there must be a simple explanation ..... ... She never got your e-mail!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on February 04, 2016, 03:13:32 pm
Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.    She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on February 05, 2016, 08:13:47 am
Very good!

 _))* _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on March 24, 2016, 10:22:02 pm
Farmer Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
 
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you think you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on April 07, 2016, 01:03:13 am
It was so cold at the weekend that I ordered a taxi in Chester and ended up in Chichester... 😄
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 19, 2016, 02:26:41 pm
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.  They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"     
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I can’t put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft ba****d it's me!"


Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!"
 

 



 



 

 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Merddin Emrys on April 19, 2016, 08:38:32 pm
 L0L  :laugh:
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 20, 2016, 07:17:25 am
 _))* _))* _))* to both :-))
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on June 23, 2016, 10:25:16 am
A friend of mine has tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but he's getting married on that day and cannot attend.


If anyone wants to go instead of him,  it's at St Andrews Church Brighton and the bride's name is Sarah
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: hollins on June 27, 2016, 04:02:42 pm
Clean'ish, the latest addition to my collection!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on July 14, 2016, 12:32:23 pm
Yes this is the correct thread.....................

'Maybe the Brits are just having us on':          The world reacts to Boris Johnson as foreign minister.   _))*

Comment....
"BOJO Foreign Secretary? Oh, FFS. Just when you think it can't get any worse. How many countries can we offend by Saturday? "

I thought better of the new PM

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/jul/14/maybe-the-brits-are-just-having-us-on-the-world-reacts-to-boris-johnson-as-foreign-minister (http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/jul/14/maybe-the-brits-are-just-having-us-on-the-world-reacts-to-boris-johnson-as-foreign-minister)


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on December 02, 2016, 04:14:39 pm
"Education" - Why teachers continue to drink heavily!
 
The following questions were in last year's GED examination (These are genuine answers):
 
Q.. What is a turbine?
A... Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.   (I love this one!)
 
Q.. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
Q.. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
 
Q.. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
 
Q.. What are steroids?
A.. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
      (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
Q.. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his  adultery.   (So true)
 
Q.. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.
 
Q.. What is artificial insemination?
 
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
 
Q.. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow.      (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q.. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized. (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the  abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U   (WT?)
 
Q.. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
 
Q.. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
 
Q.. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
  (That would work)
 
Q.. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
 
Q.. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.   (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 
Q.. What is a terminal illness?
A.. When you are sick at the airport.   (Irrefutable)
 
Q.. What does the word  'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
 
Q.. Name the four seasons.
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 02, 2016, 04:33:10 pm
Old, but still good.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: PhilMick on December 02, 2016, 05:03:57 pm
BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with so called Islamic State have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when so called Islamic State announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


What do female suicide bombers get?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 10, 2017, 06:10:51 pm
The Italian Funeral Dog

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a
most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on
a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man
walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and
silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked quietly, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on July 15, 2017, 10:25:50 pm
1) - This is a  picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age  6 ) 

2 ) - Oysters' balls  are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 

3) - If you are  surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean  all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7) 

4) - Sharks are ugly  and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily 
Richardson.  She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age  6)

5) - A dolphin  breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,  age 8)

6) - My uncle goes  out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman   
and  comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 

7) - When ships had  sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the  ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would  whistle to make  the wind come. My brother said they would have been better  off eating  beans. (William, age 7) 

8) - Mermaids live  in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I  like  their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get  pregnant? Like, really?  (Helen, age 6)

9)  - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is  always crying,  my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just  got pregnant,  so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are  dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give  you  a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I  think they have  to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 

11) - When you go  swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my  willy  small. (Kevin, age 6) 

12) - Divers have to be  safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go  down  alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8) 

13) - On vacation my  Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going  very  fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired  right up her  big fat ass. (Julie, age 7) 

14) - The ocean is  made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I  don't  know. (Bobby, age 6) 

15) - My dad was a  sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What  he  doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my  mom. (James, age 7) 

If you didn't smile at  one of these, you need to find a better sense of  humor
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on July 15, 2017, 10:28:32 pm
don,t know where the smilies came from
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on July 16, 2017, 07:45:34 am
Oops! I think that's because of the coding used for one of them.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on August 23, 2017, 04:29:19 pm
A LAWYER DOES NOT LIE..

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. 

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.     

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not  lie.   

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.           

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:     

"How many children do you have?     

He answered:  "Twelve."     

The agent asked "Where are the others?"     

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."     

 

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words..and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on August 29, 2017, 10:46:23 pm
SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

 

 
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
 
USER: cabbage
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 
USER: boiled cabbage
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
 
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
 
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use
No virus found in this message.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 14, 2017, 10:50:19 am
...

[smg id=3374]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on January 17, 2018, 02:26:07 pm
Did you know that in Sweden the warships now come with barcodes on the side as standard? It's so they can Scandinavian.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on February 05, 2018, 11:43:37 pm
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

 

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Bosun on February 07, 2018, 11:17:25 am
A blonde girl from North Wales was going on a plane trip to New York.  When the stewardess came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde, "I'm sorry.  Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat."  The blonde replied,"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."  The stewardess said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat."  The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." 

This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. 

The stewardess went to the Captain and told him about the blonde. The Captain said that he would deal with it.

The Captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in economy. 

The stewardess asked the Captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move.  He said, "I just told her that first class of this aircraft wasn't going to New York."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Bosun on March 03, 2018, 06:47:30 am
A Policeman was training 3 blondes, who were to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well….. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “ I can’t believe it… you're right, the suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear..........”


 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on April 21, 2018, 10:53:31 pm
 THE RETIRED DOCTOR

 

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

         
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
 
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- this is Petrol!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
 
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
 
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's petrol!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
 
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your sight back! That will be $500."
 
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

 

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

 

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 23, 2018, 02:57:23 pm
 MR PUTIN TAKES A QUESTION
 
 Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.

He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia is and how he wants the best for all the people.

At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:

"I have two questions.  Why did the Russians take Crimea, and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?”

Putin says: "Good questions”.

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

"I have four questions”

"My Questions are -

Why did the Russians invade Crimea ?

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?

Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?

And, where is Sasha?"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on April 27, 2018, 04:49:06 pm
This was posted - briefly - on the McDonnell-Douglas website before being removed by admins. It's long but quite amusing.


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

 

 1.

[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Prince

[_] Classified

[_] Other

 

First Name:......................................................

Initial: ........

Last Name......................................................

Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)

Code Name: .......................................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

 

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

 

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

 

4. Serial Number:...............................................

 

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

 

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

 

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq

 

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Arab Prince

[_] Primitive / Tribal

 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal cheque

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveller's cheque

 

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Terrorist

[_] Arab Prince

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defence Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

 

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilisation / overthrow

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

 

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings & special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups & mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder

Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

 

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,

Marketing Department Military,

Aerospace Division.

 

IMPORTANT:

-------------------

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above & may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use & may be ignored.

 

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt round yourself & your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you & your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg & egg whites, whisk & place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on June 02, 2018, 10:36:00 am
A group of friends found an old Ouija board

"I don't know, guys, this stuff is really dark."

"Oh come on! What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead, give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys..."

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-U

"Guys..!!"

"Keep going!"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on August 20, 2018, 05:03:36 pm
Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe.
The joke came from his show Undeniable.

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired,....... you still have to come in the next day."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 30, 2018, 06:32:06 pm
Ever wondered what all those warning lights in the car dashboard mean?


[smg id=4102]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on December 31, 2018, 04:34:29 pm
It's all Dutch to me Ian.  :-\  A warning came up on my Honda CV-R which I had no idea about, so out came the 350 page user manual. No matter how hard I checked it just wasn't listed. Straight round to North Wales Honda who after a long search told me the battery in my key fob was going flat. They even replaced it and the spare for free, which I thought was very nice of them. ;D
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on March 26, 2019, 09:49:13 am
An old American political joke raised it's head this morning, during a conversation that made me laugh.

An old rancher is talking about a politician, with a young man from the city. He compares the politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself.     He doesn't belong there;      you wonder who put him there;    he can't get anything done while he's up there;     and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on May 25, 2019, 11:03:24 pm

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,  using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests. "And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a bloody Brick wall!"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on May 26, 2019, 09:23:02 am
 $lol$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Fester on May 26, 2019, 03:46:03 pm
Brilliant! 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on June 01, 2019, 10:56:45 pm
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly around the house

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed
I laughed
Alexa laughed
Siri Laughed
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on August 07, 2019, 09:54:18 pm
Gotta Luv Old People
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandma's!
 
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:
1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed ... and then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it."  He got an A+.
 
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit .
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
 
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
 
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS BY 11:30 AM TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on August 28, 2019, 10:22:05 pm
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin  Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None who plays very well,” the Cardinal replied, “but there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as our personal representative. in addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

 Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
 
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness.” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.” said the Pope.

 “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the  best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”
 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on August 29, 2019, 09:21:32 am
 _))* _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 06, 2019, 02:56:04 pm
[smg id=4120]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on October 22, 2019, 10:29:56 pm
i honestly find it ridiculous that people are setting off fireworks in october the bang was that loud
 it scared my cat so muchit ran up our christmas tree
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on October 23, 2019, 08:02:45 am
 _))* _))* _))*

We seem to have lost the "Like" button.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on October 23, 2019, 10:00:20 am
_))* _))* _))*

We seem to have lost the "Like" button.

You had me worried .............    :o
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on October 26, 2019, 02:51:24 pm
Strange
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 07, 2019, 09:30:16 am
A hangover is the Wrath of Grapes.


A friend never drinks anything stronger than pop.  Mind you, you should see what his dad drinks…


He’s donating his body to science and preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 14, 2020, 10:24:05 am
responsible owner
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 15, 2020, 11:59:42 am
Ship shape
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on January 15, 2020, 01:04:05 pm
Like it  _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 07, 2020, 10:58:13 am
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I  know, but she has a lovely personality."



Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: spotty dog on April 07, 2020, 01:35:49 pm
Brave man Hugo if the OH reads this blog
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 07, 2020, 06:07:23 pm
 ))*        someone must have hacked into my e-mail account         :-[                   $smack$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 18, 2020, 12:28:41 pm
Food for thought
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on April 22, 2020, 12:33:45 pm
A Yorkshire Farmer
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on May 16, 2020, 02:40:40 pm
I have a friend who is also a forum member and he sent an e-mail to me yesterday which I would like to share with everyone.

As a Seenager myself I wish the things were true
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on June 20, 2020, 02:57:34 pm
Terrible news coming from Merseyside this morning

The Birkenhead Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit will be reduced for
the foreseeable future to 25mph
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, has confirmed in their report the problem was NOT Avian Flu but rather the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on June 20, 2020, 03:35:52 pm
That's dreadful, Steve  _))* _))* _))*
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on June 21, 2020, 10:37:01 am
That's dreadful, Steve  _))* _))* _))*

Sorry Ian, simple things seem amusing these days............. :-[   ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on June 21, 2020, 12:08:56 pm
 $drink$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on July 19, 2020, 10:37:03 am
With the prospect of Holidays becoming available in the near future I thought that I would post this.   It's not a joke but it's funny what some people say and do

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:


1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US

BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on July 19, 2020, 11:58:19 am
They're good. Some are very old;  No.s 2 and 19 date back to the 1980s but I can imagine some people saying these sorts of things even now.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: snowcap on July 29, 2020, 11:49:15 pm
    BRING BACK MEMORIES?

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously..where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6am and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home...but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers - my brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. He had to get up at 6am every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut, at least, they did in films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 rpm records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulbs
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along, especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did.

(P.S. I used a larger type face so you could read it easily
this i copied
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on August 24, 2020, 11:00:33 am
I thought of Ian when I saw these............   ;)

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on August 25, 2020, 10:28:01 am
A couple more.....

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on August 28, 2020, 02:29:57 pm
So true
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on September 02, 2020, 12:35:50 pm
No wonder motorists get confused        :o
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on September 02, 2020, 04:15:16 pm
Anyone feeling hungry?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on September 03, 2020, 12:29:43 pm
The steps and railings look well made, it's just a pity   .........
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on September 04, 2020, 01:12:26 pm
I'm really glad that I'm not working in this place
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on October 08, 2020, 01:15:32 pm

True story...............
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on November 05, 2020, 03:36:35 pm
" Are you Irish?"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on November 21, 2020, 01:04:36 pm
Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.....
 
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously

demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you
finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." 

"Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it." 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”   

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, 
“I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you
showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.  He chuckled quietly, then said
with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"
 
One of my  favorite stories ...........
 
.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on November 24, 2020, 04:29:24 pm
WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

Why, a lexophile of course!

 • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on November 29, 2020, 10:56:41 am
CAR TROUBLE


A blonde
pushes her BMW into a gas
station.  She tells the
mechanic it died.

After he
works on it for a few
minutes, it is idling
smoothly.

She says,
“What's the story?”

He replies,
“Just crap in the
carburetor.”

She asks,
“How often do I have to do
that?”

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on November 30, 2020, 10:31:23 am
A gorgeous
young redhead goes into
the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt
wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!”
says the doctor.  “Show
me.”

The redhead
took her finger, pushed on
her left shoulder and
screamed, she pushed her
elbow and screamed even
more.  She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and
screamed.

Everywhere
she touched made her
scream.

The doctor
said, “You're not really a
redhead, are you?”

“Well, no,”
she said, “I'm actually a
blonde.”

“I thought
so,” the doctor said,
“Your finger is broken.”
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 01, 2020, 11:18:01 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 08, 2020, 12:44:37 pm
How quickly things change over the years
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 08, 2020, 02:53:14 pm
 clappinghappy                      clappinghappy
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on December 09, 2020, 12:55:46 pm
An armed man has just run into Bryan Davies estate agents  and shouted "Nobody move"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 12, 2020, 11:19:06 am
Sorry ladies  :-[
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 12, 2020, 12:52:07 pm
BLONDE ON TIME

A girl was
visiting her blonde
friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked
her what their names were.

The blonde
responded by saying that
one was named “Rolex” and
one was named “Timex”.

Her friend
said, “Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like
that?”

 
“Helllooooo... ,” answered
the blonde.  “They're
watch dogs.” 

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 12, 2020, 01:10:38 pm
Then and now
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 13, 2020, 12:47:59 pm
Thoughts for the day
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 15, 2020, 06:32:23 pm
Comforting thoughts?           &shake&
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 21, 2020, 04:21:06 pm
More thoughts to share
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 21, 2020, 05:34:00 pm
That last one is a cracker, it took me a second or two, but brilliant.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 22, 2020, 12:22:51 pm
I know the feeling!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 22, 2020, 12:29:14 pm
I know the feeling!
It reminded me of this..........

As we waited to tee off on the 18th hole, a man in the foursome ahead drove three successive balls into the water. In a fury he picked up his golf bag and hurled it into the lake, then stamped off toward the clubhouse.
We weren’t surprised to see him sheepishly return a few minutes later, roll up his pants, take off his shoes and wade in after the clubs. It was what we’d expected.

But to our amazement, he fished out the bag, unzipped the pocket, took out his car keys, flung the clubs into the water again and stalked off.  :o
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 23, 2020, 11:05:05 pm
I can understand that Steve.    Golf can be a very frustrating and also an addictive sport as I often found out.      I've packed up golf now and spend more time on my laptop which can also be frustrating
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 24, 2020, 10:07:10 am
A piece of advice given to me many years ago, still sticks in my mind,....."After driving off, I was told, your standing to close to the ball,
 
I stepped back a little, only to be told,   no , he said..... after you have hit it !!!!!  :-[
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on January 04, 2021, 05:29:44 pm
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

“Okay, let’s give it a try."
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 10, 2021, 12:27:37 pm
Never mind my Mum, I did it...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on January 10, 2021, 12:39:49 pm
Never mind my Mum, I did it...

Oh dear Steve, that's me off Facebook too  $lol$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Nemesis on January 10, 2021, 02:43:38 pm
Mum? I did that and often set iton fire!!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 17, 2021, 10:01:34 am
First time I heard about PARAPROSDOKIANS, I liked them.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and is frequently humorous.
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

 7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.     :-[

 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor.

 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice

 13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.     8)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on January 18, 2021, 04:21:00 pm
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on January 19, 2021, 03:18:28 pm
Reporting on a missing wife!

Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer:    Need some basic info; What's her age?

Husband:    I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don't do birthdays.

Officer:   Height?

Husband:     I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER :   Weight?

Husband:     Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER :    Colour of eyes?

Husband:    Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER :  Hair colour?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER :    What was she wearing?

Husband:    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly.

OFFICER :   Do you know what was she driving, and where was she heading?

Husband:     She went in my truck.

OFFICER:    What kind of truck was it?

Husband :   It's a 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white, Ram Limited 4X4.with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER:    Take it easy sir,      We'll find your truck.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 24, 2021, 02:42:11 pm
True...........

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 25, 2021, 12:27:59 pm
Gone....
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on February 03, 2021, 10:25:33 am
Getting older, ..............second picture down is just being cruel !
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on February 03, 2021, 12:29:00 pm
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.   
 
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.   
 
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"   
 
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife." 
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on February 10, 2021, 10:57:48 am
A politician was visiting  a remote little rural town in Australia and asked the locals what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs,” said the townspeople.

“First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his iPhone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

The townspeople replied, “We have no mobile phone reception in our town.”
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on February 13, 2021, 10:32:00 am
Wife: So,
what did you do today -
??

Husband: "
I changed a light bulb "

Wife:
That's all?, I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, cooked three meals, and more, and you changed a light bulb?


Husband: Yeah,
but I filmed it.


https://www.youtube.com/embed/f1BgzIZRfT8?feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/embed/f1BgzIZRfT8?feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on February 13, 2021, 10:46:09 pm
The Covid-19 Vaccine from India will be coming in 3 strengths

Mild -- Hot -- Vindaloo
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on February 23, 2021, 10:07:27 am
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED  !!!!!!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

____________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
____________

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
___________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
____________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
__________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
____________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
__________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on February 25, 2021, 04:39:30 pm
TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so

did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on March 01, 2021, 09:56:41 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on March 03, 2021, 04:28:56 pm
News reporters around the world are in a right panic.....

as the new Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrngogogoch Covid variant has been identified in Wales
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on March 21, 2021, 02:47:11 pm
The Chinese government are celebrating an achievement that even the great empires of history never managed. They’ve coronised the the whole world.
--------------------------


The European Medicines Agency (EMA) has been researching the link between clots and jabs.

They concluded that the EU has all the clots while the UK has all the jabs
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on March 22, 2021, 10:20:29 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 05, 2021, 10:15:05 am
>> BBQ RULES:

>> We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

>> (1) The woman buys the food.

>> (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

>> (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

>> (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

>> Here comes the important part:

>> (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

>> (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

>> (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

>> Important again:

>> (8 THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

>> (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

>> (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

>> And most important of all:

>> (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

>> (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 06, 2021, 10:28:12 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 07, 2021, 10:21:59 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 09, 2021, 09:58:16 am
MORNING CHUCKLE....
Leaving the Store, I couldn't find my Keys. They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 10, 2021, 10:20:57 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on April 11, 2021, 02:26:28 pm
Following the 41 gun salute from Portsmouth this morning......

President Macron of France has phoned Boris to offer his countries surrender
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 14, 2021, 10:17:23 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Blongb on April 14, 2021, 12:11:53 pm
I agree with your Temple post but would just like to add some advice I got from my Father, an ex R.S.M. Royal Marine Commando, who said to me, son your body is a Temple, remember you never run in a Temple.  $good$
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 15, 2021, 10:21:15 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on April 15, 2021, 10:53:35 am
Bernie Madoff just died.

You can be a pallbearer at his funeral,
but only if you can recruit another 6 pallbearers,
who in turn recruit 6 more each.

RIP Bernie
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 16, 2021, 10:55:13 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 21, 2021, 11:32:06 am
The old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
>
>
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
She answered
'THE TEETH'. ”😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👍
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on April 29, 2021, 11:06:19 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on April 29, 2021, 11:15:32 am
I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago" I assured her.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a glass of white wine, please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out"
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on May 14, 2021, 02:14:37 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on May 22, 2021, 03:52:24 pm
Gordon Ramsay's Daughter Tilly Play Hilarious TikTok Prank on Him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSxb7QkZ9EU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSxb7QkZ9EU)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on June 03, 2021, 04:00:32 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on July 11, 2021, 05:19:48 pm
Longevity!

 1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.

5. James Fuller Fixx credited with helping start America's fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88

7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston  died at the age of 102

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake

9. And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.


How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life
.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on July 18, 2021, 10:40:07 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DVT on July 18, 2021, 11:05:52 am
... and potatoes, carrots, peas and beans did not come from the supermarket in a plastic wrapping - they came from Dad's allotment.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 02, 2021, 10:04:02 am
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DownUnder on September 06, 2021, 09:40:24 am
The joys of grandchildren helping you to cope with old age. My granddaughters suggested that I colour my hair pink so that they don't have the problem of drawing white hair on white paper. I suggested that they wait a few years and my pink scalp would replace my white hair. Apparently dying my hair pink is the preferred solution.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 12, 2021, 11:50:33 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 13, 2021, 10:04:43 am
Took me a while...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 13, 2021, 10:40:41 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 17, 2021, 10:21:31 am
Subject: Not proofreading their headlines
As good of a job proofreading their headlines as they do checking their facts.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? You think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think !

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts
Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DVT on September 17, 2021, 07:25:22 pm
I was quite concerned a few years ago when I saw a newspaper heading that read "DVT kills passenger on plane".

It wasn't me, honest!
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 20, 2021, 10:45:20 am
After 20 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
The wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp and shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on September 20, 2021, 02:58:09 pm
Two patients limp into
      two different medical clinics with the same
      complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the  following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for
      the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden
      Retriever.

The
      SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

It's quite ironic that I've had my letter today from Rhoslan Surgery informing me that the practice is closing soon and it's certainly not due to the lack of patients.          &shake&

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: mull on September 21, 2021, 11:01:34 am
Thought the Rhosllan was the only public house at West Shore  ?
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 27, 2021, 10:11:23 am
Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill,
and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.


Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.



The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


Summing up "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason."


Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 28, 2021, 12:14:01 pm
[smg id=4151]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on September 28, 2021, 12:14:24 pm
[smg id=4152]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on October 12, 2021, 10:09:41 pm
'Words of Wisdom' from famous people in our lives,
well, some of us!!!.......


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,

You should have remained a virgin...'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.     But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -

 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,

you'll become happy;

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on October 27, 2021, 01:46:31 pm
Hubby..........I'm home.......whats for dinner ?

Wife.............Nothing !

Hubby...........But, we had nothing last night !

Wife..............I know, I made enough for two nights  ;)

Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 07, 2021, 11:15:55 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 16, 2021, 02:25:58 pm
[smg id=4160]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 19, 2021, 03:58:42 pm
For Trekkies everywhere... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KvWwJ6sh5s).
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 20, 2021, 09:47:21 am
Sorry not the best ....................... :-[
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 20, 2021, 10:34:50 am
Oh, they're pretty good, Steve.
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 20, 2021, 07:06:44 pm
[smg id=4161]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 24, 2021, 10:49:36 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 26, 2021, 05:12:08 pm
[smg id=4163]
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 01, 2022, 02:56:12 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on January 01, 2022, 05:03:18 pm
So true...
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on January 25, 2022, 03:22:00 pm
A wee Scottish joke on Burns night .............
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on June 30, 2022, 02:48:07 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 03, 2022, 10:03:51 am
 ;)   Senior times
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 04, 2022, 10:12:16 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on September 08, 2022, 10:13:10 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on October 15, 2022, 10:45:56 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on October 16, 2022, 10:29:05 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Ian on December 06, 2022, 12:34:25 pm
(https://i.ibb.co/prbq1ff/mary.jpg) (https://ibb.co/Dgzd199)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 17, 2022, 10:36:35 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 18, 2022, 10:24:46 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 19, 2022, 10:30:30 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 20, 2022, 09:54:29 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 21, 2022, 10:32:39 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 22, 2022, 10:39:22 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 24, 2022, 10:40:52 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on February 08, 2023, 09:40:32 am
 8)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on March 04, 2023, 10:42:44 am
Update on above.......... 8)      I think my wife is trying to tell me something............
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on June 26, 2023, 08:13:03 am
The Facebook article about the old woman is worth a read,  any resemblance to anyone I know is purely coincidental


https://www.facebook.com/groups/808073392884359/permalink/1993887800969573/?sfnsn=scwspmo&ref=share
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Cordyline on September 26, 2023, 09:29:48 pm
If Chris Rea lives in Wales -- He'd start driving home any day soon
Title: Re: Xmas....Clean Jokes
Post by: SteveH on December 25, 2023, 10:19:47 am
 8)
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: Hugo on December 26, 2023, 07:18:09 pm
It's my turn next!
Title: Re: Puns: What's the UK's funniest business name?
Post by: SteveH on December 29, 2023, 09:52:05 am
If you're partial to a bag of chips, the chances are you've visited a chip shop with a pun-based name.

From London's relatively straight-forward The Codfather to the more elaborately-named A Fish Called Rhondda in Pentre, Rhondda Cynon Taf, chip shop owners can't resist a play on words.

Others in on the act include London barbers Barber Streisand, Sunderland wine shop Amy's Winehouse and pottery cafe Kilning Me Softly in Milton Keynes.

Florist Rachael Allen owns the flamboyantly-named Dark Side of the Bloom just outside Bangor in Gwynedd, north Wales.

She said naming her business after the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon turned out to be a shrewd business decision.

cont https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-67496753
Title: Re: Clean Jokes
Post by: DVT on December 29, 2023, 04:08:04 pm
One pun based name closer to home is the Chinese takeaway in Glan Conwy ... Wok U Like

There is an estate agents in Kidderminster/Bridgnorth area called Doolittle & Dalley - don't think that is actually a pun!