Three Towns Forum
Members' Lounge => Games, Jokes & Quizzes => Topic started by: Ian on February 08, 2011, 11:54:51 am
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A place for shaggy dog, groaning stories and one-liners...
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly
woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
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Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
L0L
I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.
The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.
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With sufficient thrust pigs fly just fine. :o
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A few Tommy Cooper one liners.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
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_))* Great thread, thanks Ian. :)
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I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.
The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
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I spilt spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. _))*
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
L0L L0L L0L _))* _))* _))*
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.’" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "Its Not Unusual."
Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but couldn't find any.
I walked into a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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The wifes valentines present arrived today I've got her a new bag and belt. So hopefully the hoover will be working by tuesday. D)
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
And have fun finding them.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.
The barman says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of the bed........first I was afraid..........then I was petrified. :D
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Near where I live a man was shot using an athletics starting pistol.
Police are saying it was race related.
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Got stopped in the street outside "boots" today by a woman with a clipboard asking "what grooming products I use? You should have seen her face when I replied "Facebook, Haribo sweets and a puppy"
It does say dreadful jokes :o
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To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Plato
Do be do be do - Sinatra
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Two Blonde's telling jokes,
One says 'Knock Knock',
The other got up and answered the door!
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Irish scientists have discovered that birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
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Did you hear about the woman who stole a calender?
She got twelve months
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aaa.gif
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Don't send any money in for the Tokyo Tsunami appeal, they are minted I just seen a bloke on the telly getting interviewed outside his house and he has two massive boats on his drive..........
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You'll never go to heaven, Angie! ¢¢##
Still, it wasn't as bad as that one you sent me earlier.... :-X
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A mild looking fellow appeared before St Peter at the pearly gates "have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked "Well on a trip to North Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were hassling a young lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the biggest, most tattooed hard looking biker n smacked him in the mouth, kicked his bike over and then ripped his ear ring out and yelled: NOW BACK OFF OR I'LL KICK THE doggy doos OUT OF THE LOT OF YER!"
Wow! St Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"....
"about 2 minutes ago" :D
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The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean. Sit down luv and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair away.
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I know how those poor people in Japan feel, the last time I had 30 aftershocks, I couldn't find my house either!!
That one Dave?
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last one I promise..............
The Japanese 2012 Olympic wind surfing squad must be keen, they've just arrived in Dover!!
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Weird is that because I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.
Just kept going on and on about a huge rave
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I recently opened a cafe in japan.. It's started out a bit shaky but people are slowly drifting in
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This really is "dreadful!"
How can you spot a japanese prostitute?
She's the one in the fishnets.
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Oh dear that is dreadful, your making me look good now matey. ;)
at least if only one of goes to heaven, we can quite safely say that'll be me. D)
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I see they have cameras in the Washington now, to try and curb amphetamine use. :-X
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I absolutely love your "-NEGATIVE" approach, I'm sure those with a more "+POSITIVE" attitude will find a "BATTERY" of answers to this very "CHARGED" problem! L0L
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It may be dreadful but it has now lost it's context by having been moved! Thank you ! ¢¢## ¢¢## ¢¢##
No doubt you had to call in Pickfords for such a major task! _))*
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well it was dreadful L0L
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No worse than many more I have seen! But there we are, whoever pays the Piper names the tune! L0L :) ;) :D ;D :( :o 8) ??? :roll: :P :-[ :-X :-\ :-* :'( D) WWW
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I think the problem is the inconsistency Yorkie :-X
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That's me all over, BB, up one minute, down the next. Want to turn right but finish up turning left! A person of opposites, I got a left and a right, only problem is one half doesn't know what the other half is doing. However, I have been able to live with it so far and hope I will have a few more years left (or should that be right) to enjoy my little idiosyncracies. L0L
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A Swedish Virgin
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in
northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in
his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself
to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to
put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It
should be okay by next week, but leave it in there as long as you can.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a
neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an
impressive work of art.
Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries
her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth ..
That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open
her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said,
Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Olof immediately drops his pants and
replies, 'Look at dis Lena ....still in DA CRATE!
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My first (and probably my last) attempt at putting a joke on the forum.
Toulaise la trech (you know, the little deaf guy who rang bells in France) had died.
The Bishop was desperate for a new replacement bellringer (No---he did'nt send for Stan) So he put an advert in the local paper,
First one in --- a little guy, yes, but he had no arms
The Bishop said "My Son, you look the part but --- but, you have no arms, how could you pull the cords and make the bells ring?"
"I'll show you" he shouts, and then runs around the bellfrey smashing his face straight into the various bells. The most beautiful sound came out, people came out into the square below "Listen to those beautiful bells." The Bishop was delighted.
Wonderful. You've got the job.
The little guy was delighted, he jumped up and down with delight, ran all around the bellfry, tripped over a rope, fell straight out of a window onto the cobbles in the square below --- DEAD.
A big crowd collected around the dead body. The Bishop ran down into the crowd. People shouted to the Bishop, this is terrible, this is terrible, who is he, who is he?
The Bishop looked down on the poor little dead guy and said ---- wait for it ----- I dont know ---- but ----but --- HIS FACE RINGS A BELL
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To replace him they advertised again and his brother applied for the job. He also fell out of the bell tower and when people asked the Bishop if he knew him he said, " I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
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Quasimodo (the hunchback guy I think Mike was thinking of) ... was watching his wife get the WOK out of the kitchen cupboard.
He said, ''OOH, are we having stir fry tonight?''
She said no, ''I'm using it to iron your shirts...''
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I love these jokes! L0L L0L
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I love these jokes! L0L L0L
I think we posted most of them on the Bellringing thread a couple of years ago.
I heard Stan is wearing his bell-bottom trousers at Trinity Church on Sunday. :laugh:
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A Royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd. losing and Osama Bin Laden being killed. Carlsberg don't do bank holidays, but they thought ***** it, we will do this one. Just in case Bin Laden thought he was going to heaven, they've put Henry Cooper on the door
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Los Cristianos, Tenerife? I won't BEHEADING there in a hurry.
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Right joke just when I needed it. Thanks Fester. Medz
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Oh? Medz, You're not booked to fly to Tenerife are you? OOPS!
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No flights planned and definitely not to Tenerife. I was clearing up the result of a slightly flooded bathroom and needed a good laugh.
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My younger sister was having one of her first genealogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfriend wants to have anal sex. I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it. Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied "Of course, you can my dear. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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* A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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Picture Tommy Cooper in your mind first, it makes the jokes all the more amusing.
1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat naughty boy!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more!
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Ahhh, Ian, the genius of Tommy Cooper.... that really helped. :laugh: :laugh:
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Great - right 'up my street'!
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A POLICEMAN walks into a pub with a tree on his head and orders a pint of lager. The landlord says to him: "I hope u don't mind me Asking,. But what are u doing with that tree on your head. "The Policeman replies: I work for special branch."
:D
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Not sure if this is the right place, but - courtesy of the Register - these tales of woe:
A competition to find the best help-desk tale of despair, with an iPad up for grabs for the winner, has solicited a collection of bizarre and amusing anecdotes.
Long-suffering IT technicians submitted their best yarns of dealing with users' problems to the "Confessions of an IT Professional" contest over the last two months. There were enough stories to fill two series of the The IT Crowd, the British sitcom of IT dept bods fed up of asking users: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
The Panda Security-sponsored contest ended on 31 October and the winner was André Geada from Portugal, who received an Apple fondleslab after his anecdote, published below, received the most votes in an online poll:
Client (on the phone): Oh, I'm seeing the mouse pointer move on its own.
Me: Yes, sir. It's me. I've already got remote access to your computer. I will solve your problem right away.
Client: Oh, that's nice. Do you want me to turn on the lights? Maybe you'll see better.
Other amusing stories of help-desk hell shared by participants included:
It was December 28, and my mother had a problem with the PC because she didn’t know how to access the internet, and I told her: “You need to open the window and that’s it.” And she spent the Christmas holidays with a big cold.
A user was having trouble printing documents. He told me that the computer said it can't find printer, adding: "I've tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but the computer can't see the printer."
A client was having trouble with his fax and called me. When asked to try and send a test page to me, he faxed his company price list. I solved his problem and we ended the call. A few minutes later he called back and said: "I am not sure I should have sent that list, can you fax it back to me?"
Help-desk: “Please go to 'My PC'.” User: “Do I have to go there? Take into account that I am in another building.”
“I have a problem when writing my password. I tried to enter my password and the only thing I see are asterisks.”
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They really were dreadful, I couldn't raise a meagre smile for any one of them! :-X
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Did you hear about the dyslexic man who choked to death on his own Vimto?
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Did you hear about the dyslexic man who choked to death on his own Vimto?
No! Please tell. :)
And here is the speel chequers peom:
Eye have a spelling chequer,
It came with my Pea Sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss Steaks I can knot sea.
Eye strike the quays and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am write oar wrong
It tells me straight a weigh.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your shore real glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My chequer tolled me sew.
A chequer is a bless thing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right all stiles of righting,
And aides me when eye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The chequer pours o'er every word
Two cheque sum spelling rule.
;D
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Not mine - but you might enjoy them....
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs
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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon
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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!
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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on
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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
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For the first time in seven years, my wife was very responsive during sex this evening.
I see that as a very positive sign. Just maybe she is coming out of that coma?
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TESCO BEEFBURGER; TO EAT OR NOT TO EAT THAT IS EQUESTRIAN
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_))* _))* _))* Excellent! One of the most dreadful I've heard!
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In light of the news re Tesco's and their beefburger content...here a a few of the latest doing the rounds
There is a new line of kids' burgers being sold in discount supermarkets.
They're called My Lidl Pony.
I've heard that Tesco burgers are low in fat, but high in Shergar.
I just checked my Tesco burgers in the fridge, and................... They're Off!
Iceland Burgers are to be renamed Shetland Burgers.
Traces of Zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.
Sainsburys have Jamie Oliver, Waitrose have Heston Bloomentall. Apparently Tesco are in talks with Frankie Dettori...
The Tesco cafe lady asked me if I wanted anything on my burger. I said "Ok, I'll have £5 each way!"
Despite reports in the media, UK supermarkets announce that their burger sales figures remain stable
I think I'm getting death threats... someone left a burger on my pillow
I think I'll switch to Tesco’s meatballs, apparently they're the dogs bollocks...
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_))* very good!
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Better get down to Tescos
Next delivery is coming in at 10/1.
The last lot must have been off, ended up with the trots.
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In the papers today it was reported that Man. Utd. player Paul Scholes had his car stolen recently as it stood outside his house with the engine running to de-frost the windscreen. Apparently he tried to tackle the thieves but as was the norm throughout his playing days his timing was out and he got there far too late.
WWW
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In fact, one could say he played an own goal! ;D
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Oscar Pistorius was keen on buying a new bathroom door.
But his girlfriend was dead against it.
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Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
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:-))))) Two jokes that really do belong in this category L0L L0L L0L
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I tried to catch some Fog. I missed.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
I stayed up all night to see where the Sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Why were the Indians in the USA first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn't like the beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
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I think that living in Switzerland must have many advantages..... for example the flag is certainly A BIG PLUS! :laugh:
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I think that living in Switzerland must have many advantages..... for example the flag is certainly A BIG PLUS! :laugh:
I am going to continue posting this until someone laughs..... it as, after all VERY, VERY FUNNY!
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Not as funny as the pizza story! $good$
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I think that living in Switzerland must have many advantages..... for example the flag is certainly A BIG PLUS! :laugh:
I am going to continue posting this until someone laughs..... it as, after all VERY, VERY FUNNY!
There are a few plusses to living in England, too! :D
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No Yorkie, I would say they are definitely crosses. So I will persist with my fantastic joke until someone laughs! &shake&
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No Yorkie, I would say they are definitely crosses. So I will persist with my fantastic joke until someone laughs! &shake&
Ha bloody, Ha! Satisfied now? Get back to the Word Game. _))*
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I shall.... as soon as HOLLINS acknowledges my incredibly hilarious joke! :)
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I also note with interest that some Philistine of a moderator has moved my post from the Switzerland thread, the Dreadful Jokes thread.
When in actual fact there should have been a new thread created called Fester's FANTASTIC Jokes thread.
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That could be a very short thread! _))* ££$
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some Philistine of a moderator administrator
Delighted to be of service. WWW
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I shall.... as soon as HOLLINS acknowledges my incredibly hilarious joke! :)
She probably didn't notice it due to the absence of food in the picture! ZXZ
Swiss Ham and Cheese, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Z**
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Hey Hollins...
Congratulations on your milestone anniversary,
I was just thinking, about Switzerland funnily enough.... and I reckon that there must be many advantages to living there.
For one thing, the flag is certainly A BIG PLUS!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Sorry.......
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Reminds me; I'll have to put up my list of truly awful cracker jokes...
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Sorry some recent doubles here :(
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the
Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther
away... Florida or the moon?'The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You
ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said,
'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at
the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the
first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the
dice and she landed on Science & Nature.Her question was, 'If you are in a
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'She thought for a time and
then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
And asked her what their names were.The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?''HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answer
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LOL!
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We must have had similar e-mails Steve but I was reading mine again and at the end was this one:
-BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL
BLONDE JOKES!
In the
swim-meet, after the blond
came in last competing in
the breast-stroke, she
complained to the judges
that
“all the
other girls were using
their arms.”
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Scientific diet
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Merry Xmas to one and all........
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Really Dreadful :-[
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;)
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;)
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Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsie face! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "excuse me, is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the burns unit!
Happy Robert Burns day Everyone ! (Yesterday)
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Anastasia: Come over, Joseph!
Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to the Gulag
Anastasia: My parents aren't at home
Stalin: I know