Author Topic: Dreadful jokes  (Read 50382 times)

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Offline Fester

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #45 on: May 12, 2011, 10:04:13 pm »
Quasimodo (the hunchback guy I think Mike was thinking of) ... was watching his wife get the WOK out of the kitchen cupboard.

He said, ''OOH, are we having stir fry tonight?''

She said no, ''I'm using it to iron your shirts...''
Fester...
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Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #46 on: May 12, 2011, 10:17:01 pm »
I love these jokes!  L0L L0L
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas


Offline Trojan

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #47 on: May 13, 2011, 06:12:41 am »
I love these jokes!  L0L L0L

I think we posted most of them on the Bellringing thread a couple of years ago.

I heard Stan is wearing his bell-bottom trousers at Trinity Church on Sunday.  :laugh:

Offline suepp

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #48 on: May 13, 2011, 10:45:56 pm »
A Royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd. losing and Osama Bin Laden being killed. Carlsberg don't do bank holidays, but they thought ***** it, we will do this one. Just in case Bin Laden thought he was going to heaven, they've put Henry Cooper on the door

Offline Fester

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #49 on: May 14, 2011, 10:35:29 pm »
Los Cristianos, Tenerife?   I won't BEHEADING there in a hurry.

Fester...
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Offline TheMedz

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2011, 12:31:03 am »
Right joke just when I needed it.  Thanks Fester. Medz

Offline Fester

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #51 on: May 15, 2011, 05:59:20 pm »
Oh?   Medz, You're not booked to fly to Tenerife are you?  OOPS!
Fester...
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Offline TheMedz

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #52 on: May 15, 2011, 06:33:52 pm »
No flights planned and definitely not to Tenerife.  I was clearing up the result of a slightly flooded bathroom and needed a good laugh.

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #53 on: November 03, 2011, 03:46:48 pm »
My younger sister was having one of her first genealogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfriend wants to have anal sex.  I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it.  Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsically and replied "Of course, you can my dear.  Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
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Offline Ian

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #54 on: November 18, 2011, 03:02:37 pm »
* A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Ian

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #55 on: March 02, 2012, 09:01:13 am »


Picture Tommy Cooper in your mind first, it makes the jokes all the more amusing.

1. Two  blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of  them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -  '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A  guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.  The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I  went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't  find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet  him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He  said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in  a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man  came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know  you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood  disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting  in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,  proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped  himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry  growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put  on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green  Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it  common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller  to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.   So he picks the dog up  and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's  cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you  call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into  my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said  'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's  either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger  brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat  blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one  says 'So are you, you fat naughty boy!'

18. Police arrested two  kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was  eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,  'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the  doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor  said, 'Well don't go there any more!

21. Ireland 's worst air  disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as  digging continues into the  night.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Fester

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #56 on: March 02, 2012, 10:20:37 am »
Ahhh, Ian, the genius of Tommy Cooper....  that really helped.   :laugh: :laugh:
Fester...
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Offline Bellringer

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #57 on: March 02, 2012, 12:55:56 pm »
Great - right 'up my street'!

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #58 on: March 08, 2012, 04:37:18 pm »
A POLICEMAN walks into a pub with a tree on his head and orders a pint of lager. The landlord says to him: "I hope u don't mind me Asking,. But what are u doing with that tree on your head. "The Policeman replies: I work for special branch."

 :D
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Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Ian

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #59 on: December 02, 2012, 10:21:50 am »
Not sure if this is the right place, but - courtesy of the Register - these tales of woe:

A competition to find the best help-desk tale of despair, with an iPad up for grabs for the winner, has solicited a collection of bizarre and amusing anecdotes.

Long-suffering IT technicians submitted their best yarns of dealing with users' problems to the "Confessions of an IT Professional" contest over the last two months. There were enough stories to fill two series of the The IT Crowd, the British sitcom of IT dept bods fed up of asking users: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

The Panda Security-sponsored contest ended on 31 October and the winner was André Geada from Portugal, who received an Apple fondleslab after his anecdote, published below, received the most votes in an online poll:

    Client (on the phone): Oh, I'm seeing the mouse pointer move on its own.

    Me: Yes, sir. It's me. I've already got remote access to your computer. I will solve your problem right away.

    Client: Oh, that's nice. Do you want me to turn on the lights? Maybe you'll see better.

Other amusing stories of help-desk hell shared by participants included:

    It was December 28, and my mother had a problem with the PC because she didn’t know how to access the internet, and I told her: “You need to open the window and that’s it.” And she spent the Christmas holidays with a big cold.

    A user was having trouble printing documents. He told me that the computer said it can't find printer, adding: "I've tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but the computer can't see the printer."

    A client was having trouble with his fax and called me. When asked to try and send a test page to me, he faxed his company price list. I solved his problem and we ended the call. A few minutes later he called back and said: "I am not sure I should have sent that list, can you fax it back to me?"

    Help-desk: “Please go to 'My PC'.” User: “Do I have to go there? Take into account that I am in another building.”

    “I have a problem when writing my password. I tried to enter my password and the only thing I see are asterisks.”
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.