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Dreadful jokes

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Ian:
A place for shaggy dog, groaning stories and one-liners...

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly
woman.  That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.  Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
 
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.  What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.  The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That’s a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

brumbob:

--- Quote from: Ian on February 08, 2011, 11:54:51 am ---Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.  Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

--- End quote ---
L0L

I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.
The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.

Pendragon:
With sufficient thrust pigs fly just fine.  :o

Pendragon:
A few Tommy Cooper one liners.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.

Trojan:
 _))* Great thread, thanks Ian.  :)

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