Author Topic: Dreadful jokes  (Read 19550 times)

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Ian

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Dreadful jokes
« on: February 08, 2011, 11:54:51 AM »
A place for shaggy dog, groaning stories and one-liners...

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly
woman.  That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.  Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
 
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.  What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.  The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That’s a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

brumbob

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2011, 03:56:03 PM »
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Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.  Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
L0L

I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.
The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.

Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2011, 10:35:15 PM »
With sufficient thrust pigs fly just fine.  :o
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2011, 10:56:43 PM »
A few Tommy Cooper one liners.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Trojan

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2011, 01:51:05 AM »
 _))* Great thread, thanks Ian.  :)

Ian

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2011, 08:30:38 AM »
Quote
I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea.
The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.
_))* _))* _))* _))* _))*

“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

brumbob

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2011, 03:13:28 PM »
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home



brumbob

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2011, 03:03:30 PM »
I spilt spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2011, 03:13:25 PM »
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2011, 03:24:42 PM »
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.  _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Fester

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2011, 01:29:37 AM »
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
L0L L0L L0L _))* _))* _))*
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

brumbob

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2011, 04:17:19 PM »
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.’" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "Its Not Unusual."

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but couldn't find any.

I walked into a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
« Last Edit: February 11, 2011, 04:23:23 PM by brumbob »

Pendragon

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2011, 06:51:54 PM »
The wifes valentines present arrived today I've got her a new bag and belt.  So hopefully the hoover will be working by tuesday.  D)
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

brumbob

  • Guest
Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2011, 01:29:20 PM »
 _))* _))* _))*

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs 

And have fun finding them.

brumbob

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Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2011, 11:26:54 PM »
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man  walk into a pub.
The barman says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."