Author Topic: Funny true stories  (Read 17612 times)

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Pendragon

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Funny true stories
« on: October 17, 2010, 04:51:43 PM »
My youngest was 10years old, He went to a christening over in Ireland. He was with his Nain and Taid. He asked if it was ok to sit with his Aunty, his Nain replied "Yes of course". He quietly went and sat down, The Church was full and above the silence my lad turned to his Aunty and said "erm....Gemma....are you a Catholic or a Prostitute? Needless to say his Nain was horrified.   L0L  _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2010, 05:05:08 PM »
Putting your foot in it.

I remember one night working behind the bar. It was a very busy night and we had a live band on so it was really noisy. A woman came in with her friends. She was very small (vertically challenged)  She asked my name, I told her, she replied my name is Angie too.She then asked my sur name again I told her. Then she said "oh my sur name is Jones, but my friends call me Midget" I leaned over towards her and said "you what..your mates call you Midget...thats not very nice" With a scowl on her face and obviously p****d off she said "No, my mates call me Bridget !!!!"
I had to run upstairs I was laughing so much. She ignored me when I returned and who can blame her.  _))* _))* _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2010, 06:54:26 PM »
This is a true story, involves my friend Steves Uncle. we'll call him Bob

Two years ago Steves Uncle attended the firms office xmas party. Everyone was enjoying the free bar. At the end of the night Bob noticed a man slumped on his chair, obviously hammered. Bob didn't know him that well but knew he lived just around the corner from the Venue.  He got the guy to his feet and placing the guys arm round his shoulders proceeded to escort him home, this took longer than Bob thought as the guy was more drunk than Bob had anticipated and kept falling over all the time.  Bob finaly made it to the house, he knocked on the door.  The guys wife looked rather shocked when she opened the door. Bob explained the guy was to drunk to get a taxi so he had walked him home.
"thats very nice of you Bob" the wife said "but, where's his wheelchair"  ;D _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Trojan

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2010, 08:00:37 PM »
 L0L _))*

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2010, 08:11:44 PM »
This was a true story printed in a magazine
It reads :
My husband was in the kitchen when my 6yr old son came bouncing in with his little friend Corey. "Dad, Dad erm.....j'know that thing when you sleep on top of each other, whats it called ?" My husband was a little embarrased but deciding to do the right thing he explained the basics of the birds and bees. Looking a little confused my son and his friend went back out to play, 30 minutes later they returned and my little lad turned to his dad and said " Dad that thing we said, is called Bunk beds and Coreys mum wants to have a word with you"  L0L

Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2010, 09:32:02 PM »
My Dad told me this about a guy called Trevor Hen in Pen.

Trevor was working for a construction company some years ago, the job was to gut a building Trevor was the labourer.  All the debris was to be put on the pavement outside.  A couple of hrs later the police turned up and informed the foreman that the rubble on the pavement had to be disposed of in a skip as it was causing an obstruction on the pavement. A skip was ordered and Trevor was then told to shovel everything from the pavement into the skip.  Trevor noticed that a joist needed to be chopped up to fit in the skip, he went back into the building and without asking took a saw from the joiners tool box and started to saw the joist. Now Joiners can be rather teritorial over their tools and when the joiner returned from his break and realised that Trevor was using his saw he went mad and shouted at Trevor.  At the end of the day the joiner came out and saw poor Trevor still shovelling rubble into the skip he turned to him and said "I tell you what Trevor lend us a spade and I'll give you a hand" "F*ck off" said trevor "you wouldn't lend me your saw"  :P
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2010, 06:11:01 PM »
Lock in

My sister used to live with us in the pub and Id always warned her about locking up at the end of a shift, I explained that before turning lights off and locking up, make sure no one was lurking behind doors etc (it happens).  On this particular occasion there had been a wake in the Albion so it had been very busy.  At the end of the night my sis and I sat down to have a beer, as we sat there discussing the days events, we could hear banging coming from the toilets. Now we hadn't been living there long and were aware of all the ghost stories(the Albion is without doubt haunted but thats another story)
feeling a little spooked we made my hubby go and check. Off he went down the corridor to the locked toilet area, the next thing a fella walked up the corridor, his shirt all creased and his hair standing up on one side where he'd obviously been asleep leaning on the toilet wall then woken up and realised he was locked in.  As he passed us sat in the bar he turned to my sis and I and said "I've heard of a lock in but this is bloody ridiculous"  we couldn't help but laugh.
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley



Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2010, 09:02:03 PM »
Jimmy Carr

I was watching the Jimmy Carr dvd the other night and he was talking about when he did a gig in Llandudno, he said he walked on stage and shouted " Good evening Clandudno! " A guy in the audience shouted "It's not Clandudno, in Wales the L is pronounced Ll " Jimmy shouted back " Ok don't be a Lunt about it " _))* _))*  L0L

Where you there ?
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Trojan

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2010, 06:04:20 AM »
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Where you there ?

No, but I wish I had been.  L0L

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2010, 03:54:17 PM »
This was published in a magazine.

A young woman had been on the staff night out, they had been to the local pub and then for a curry before calling it a night. The next morning the woman woke up with a hangover from hell and of course deli belly.  She had no time to use the toilet through fear of being late. She jumped into her car and began her journey to work. As she was running late she put her foot down. As she hurtled along the road she suddenly noticed a police car behind her, his lights flashing. She pulled over, the police car stopped and out stepped the officer. Unable to stop herself she let rip with a fart in the car. As the officer approached she wound down the window. The officer poked his head in the window and immediatly withdrew, he pulled out his notebook and began to write. Without uttering a word he looked at the woman and put the note on her windscreen he got back in his car and drove off. The woman was confused so she got out of her car and got the note from the windscreen. To her embarrassment the officer had written " please watch your speed in future, I will not prosecute today as sitting in that stink is punishment enough!!!!"

My God you'd die wouldn't you  _))* _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Trojan

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2010, 05:23:09 PM »
  _))* That's a good one.

Fester

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2010, 01:26:19 AM »
The vast majority of women would die of embarrassment...
The vast majority of men would be so proud they would want EVERYONE to know !!

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2010, 01:35:21 AM »
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The vast majority of women would die of embarrassment...
The vast majority of men would be so proud they would want EVERYONE to know !!


Yep know what you mean, My Hubby always tries to deny it but he can't help but giggle. I reckon that's why he's tall,  it's his face trying to stay as far away from his ass as possible.  D)
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2010, 12:24:19 PM »
This was reported in the new york times

Having a bad day ?

A MAN was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day...  _))* L0L L0L
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Pendragon

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Re: Funny true stories
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2010, 12:27:25 PM »
Only in America

A CHARLOTTE, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that the cigars would be insured against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company grudgingly accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.

So don't piss off your insurance company!
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley