Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174739 times)

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Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #150 on: November 24, 2010, 01:45:49 pm »
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas.  When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the men. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1- 10, and if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys.  "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant.  "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."    "2," said the customer. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant.  "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way" insisted the other.  "My wife won twice last week."

By way of a little extra>>>>>>>>
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbour lady was so outraged at this; she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
« Last Edit: November 24, 2010, 01:49:31 pm by Yorkie »

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #151 on: November 25, 2010, 07:52:49 am »
lots of one liners -

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now
photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible,
I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'  He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,    'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple are attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says
to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think  I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'






 
+


Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #152 on: November 25, 2010, 08:11:25 pm »
 L0L Some good 'un's there Don.

Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #153 on: November 25, 2010, 10:46:47 pm »
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.  They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.  The guy was amazed.  Everything had been SO incredible!  'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.  Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied...

'You just happened to catch my eye...'



 



Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #154 on: November 27, 2010, 03:10:46 pm »
Many men are buying black market Viagra pills from Mexican internet medical suppliers.

The Department of Health announced that several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.

The results can be horrible....



 

Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #155 on: November 28, 2010, 09:05:58 pm »
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.

 

 

 
 

 

Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #156 on: November 29, 2010, 06:29:51 pm »
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."


Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #157 on: November 29, 2010, 06:35:03 pm »
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 L0L L0L L0L

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #158 on: November 30, 2010, 12:59:54 pm »
 
    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to look at you.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fasti.    L0L
 

 
 
 





 

 
 

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #159 on: December 01, 2010, 01:00:05 am »
  One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
                                             
*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
                                     

 *************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


   ******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

         
    ********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'               
       

   ********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************
                                         

 


 

 

Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #160 on: December 05, 2010, 01:10:58 pm »
Occasionally something appears from out the blue that makes one chuckle!

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #161 on: December 05, 2010, 02:46:47 pm »
I hope he's not getting royalties!

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #162 on: December 09, 2010, 01:44:34 am »
 
    A teacher at a High School in ROMFORD ESSEX asks one of her brightest students to use the
    word "handsome" in a sentence.
   The girl, named Latisha says,
   "Sometimes when I be suckin' Leroy's Soul Pole, my jaw gets sore and I haft'a use my handsome."  :rolleyes:

    The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye !  :Don

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #163 on: December 09, 2010, 04:11:29 am »
 
   She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and  toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming, Or this is going to be  my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment,  I embraced her and then Gave it my all;  right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #164 on: December 10, 2010, 06:15:29 am »
 L0L Nice one Don.