Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 183304 times)

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Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #315 on: June 12, 2013, 07:18:00 am »
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #316 on: June 12, 2013, 07:33:42 am »
 _))* just seen it on Facebook too!
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas


Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #317 on: July 31, 2013, 03:55:57 pm »
 ;D

Offline Blongb

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #318 on: August 17, 2013, 10:56:38 am »
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab  the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says,

"Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Offline Blongb

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #319 on: August 17, 2013, 10:59:28 am »


A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his
way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #320 on: September 01, 2013, 11:41:34 pm »
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite

cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.


It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.


      They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.


They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,

the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,

the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to

the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.


"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.


When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.


If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"


The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.


"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:


"My wife is from Scotland"





Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #321 on: September 02, 2013, 07:47:14 pm »
 8)

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #322 on: September 05, 2013, 08:32:20 pm »
Sorry, a copy and paste that did not work!
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #323 on: September 05, 2013, 09:03:36 pm »
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #324 on: October 29, 2013, 01:08:01 pm »
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe
store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in
the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much
...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves
the price of the shoes, $300,
and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'



Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a crack in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...!
 
 


Offline born2run

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #325 on: December 13, 2013, 12:22:24 pm »
How come swearing is not allowed on this forum but racism is?

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #326 on: December 13, 2013, 12:37:33 pm »
It isn't mate... but humour is!  (and it is subjective, 'Englishman, Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar etc..etc..')

B2R, seeing as you have just texted me with some pretty 'choice' language of your own, I must assume that your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek as you post this.  As mine was when I posted the joke.  :laugh: :laugh:
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #327 on: December 13, 2013, 08:17:08 pm »
Why would any one want to write swear words or expletives on such a Forum as this?   ZXZ
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline born2run

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #328 on: December 13, 2013, 09:38:34 pm »
It isn't mate... but humour is!  (and it is subjective, 'Englishman, Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar etc..etc..')

B2R, seeing as you have just texted me with some pretty 'choice' language of your own, I must assume that your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek as you post this.  As mine was when I posted the joke.  :laugh: :laugh:

You should be a politician Mr Fester  $good$

Offline Llechwedd

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #329 on: December 14, 2013, 11:53:43 am »
When I complained about the number of golliwogs being sold in the town I was told I was racist?  Yet apparently you are allowed to post a racist "joke".  Tasteless you should be ashamed but of course you wont be.