Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174803 times)

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Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #120 on: November 13, 2010, 01:59:57 am »
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist "Six pence," says the
chemist.
"How much for a new one?""Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and
the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the
door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by
an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says."We'll have a new one."


Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #121 on: November 13, 2010, 06:39:27 am »
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the Exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 



Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #122 on: November 14, 2010, 05:28:15 am »
 L0L L0L

Offline Trojan

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #123 on: November 14, 2010, 05:33:57 am »

 Friend of mine, went to see a Psychic in the afternoon,  and she told him, he would soon be coming into  money.

Odd really, in the evening, he was with a girl named Penny.

The next evening he was with Ms Moneypenny  :P

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #124 on: November 14, 2010, 08:51:31 pm »
Its funny Don the Turner mentioned Gynaecologists...

You see I employed a qualified gynaecologist ...to decorate my house!

He managed to decorate the hall,stairs and landing..through the letterbox!   :o :o
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #125 on: November 15, 2010, 06:58:59 am »
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #126 on: November 15, 2010, 12:47:04 pm »
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.


Very good Trojan.

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #127 on: November 16, 2010, 05:31:37 am »
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.


Very good Trojan.

You could at least have displayed a "laughing avatar" Paddy.  :-X

Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #128 on: November 16, 2010, 08:42:09 am »
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

L0L  _))*  Happy now????    WWW

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #129 on: November 16, 2010, 05:46:29 pm »
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
 
A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

L0L  _))*  Happy now????    WWW

 $happy$

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #130 on: November 16, 2010, 06:43:15 pm »
You could at least have displayed a "laughing avatar" Paddy.  :-X

 ))* apologies for the delay.  :laugh:

Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #131 on: November 16, 2010, 10:19:21 pm »
The american indian With One Testicle


 

There once was an indian who had

only one testicle and whose given the

name 'Onestone'.

 He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'


 The word got around and nobody

called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman

named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

 
He jumped up, grabbed her and took

her deep into the forest where he

made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


 The word got around that Onestone

meant what  he promised he would do.

 
Years went by and no one dared call

him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the

village after being away. Yellow Bird,

who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said,

'Good to see you, Onestone.'


 


  Onestone grabbed her, took her deep

into the forest, then he made love to her

all day, made love to her all night,

made love to her all the next day,

made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


 
                                                   Why ???


 everyone knows...


 

You can't kill

Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

 

 

 

 
 
 

Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #132 on: November 16, 2010, 10:57:25 pm »
 

 

 





 

 

 

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here,  I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. 
 

The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.


'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!
 

 

 

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #133 on: November 16, 2010, 11:49:42 pm »
Excellent!  _))*

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #134 on: November 17, 2010, 08:55:54 am »

 Little inquisitive Boy, asks his Mother at breakfast,  ''Was Dad catching fleas in bed last night, Mom?''

Being cautious, she says ''Why do you ask?  he replies ''Well, Mom, I thought i heard Dad say to you, Shall I catch it in my shirt, or shall I let it go?''