Less clean jokes: adults only

[dontheturner]

 
   

    A Man picks up a Chinese girl at a party and takes her home. she says "me so horny me do anything for you" He says "how about a 69?" she says "you beggar off, me not cooking crispy duck in black bean sauce at this time of night".

[Yorkie]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

    

[dontheturner]

 Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

 

The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...


Sum Ting Wong.

[dontheturner]

 
 Oh, dear!  Is it Trojan?  Thanks for telling me.Am I in the right place? Hope so!

 Heard about the three elderly ladies sitting on a bench, in the shelter on the prom?

Along came a flasher, and when he got rel close to them, he opened his coat.

Emily,  immediately had a stroke,  next, Milly too, had a stroke.  But Gertie, (who has arthritis)
, could not quite reach.

[barney]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
the interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am  to 4.00pm...

...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at
10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that

[Pendragon]

some funny pics 

[barney]

                      Husband says to wife, "My Olympic
condoms have arrived
                              ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
                              Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come
second for a change."

[barney]

                                IRISH SAUSAGES

 Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or
two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise
the staggering sum of one Euro.

                                Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

                                He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.

                                Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we
don't have any money at all!'


                                Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'


                                He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints
                                of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.


                                Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do
you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't  even got any
money to pay for these drinks  !!'


                                Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't
worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '


                                They downed their Drinks. Murphy said,
'OK,  now here's the plan.  I'll stick the sausage through my zipper
and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'



                                The barman  immediately noticed them,
went berserk, and threw them out.


                                They continued this, pub after pub,
getting more and more drunk, all for free.



                                At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy -
I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm  absolutely drunk and me
knees are killing me!'



                                Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[Pendragon]

    L0L

[barney]

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said                                   
I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on                                           


I said "You're pulling my leg"

[barney]

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous
woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take
it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice
man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she
says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
                        The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make
your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

[dontheturner]

TO: All Employees

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to Insure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (S.H.I.T.).
We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any Other company in the country.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly well qualified to sea that you get all the S.H.l.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained already you may be interested in helping us to train others-.

We can add your name to our basic understanding lecture list (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)

If you have further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Program.

[dontheturner]

 
 Friend of mine, went to see a Psychic in the afternoon,  and she told him, he would soon be coming into  money.

Odd really, in the evening, he was with a girl named Penny.

[Yorkie]

My wife though this "joke" should be confined to the "dirty Jokes" section.    ¢¢##

The inuendo is apparent to all.

[barney]

                   At the regular Sunday morning service,Greek Father
George announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church
that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No
one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

                  Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up
and proclaims "If Father George stays, I will provide him with a new
Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their
children!"

                  The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

                  Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands
and says, "If Father George will stay on here, I'll personally double
his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university
education for his children!"

                  More sighs and loud applause

                  Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile,
"If Father George stays, I will give him sex!"

                  There is total silence.

                  Father George, blushing, asks her:"Maria, you're a
wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

                  Maria's 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying
to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

                  "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said: "F**k  him."