Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174298 times)

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Offline DaveR

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #300 on: October 16, 2012, 06:03:49 pm »
 :laugh:

Offline DaveR

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #301 on: October 16, 2012, 08:03:03 pm »
I've just found out that Jimmy Saville molested my Dad!! I can't believe he was on 'Top of my Pops'!

I thang yew....


Offline DaveR

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #302 on: October 16, 2012, 08:04:37 pm »
What's the connection between Jimmy Saville and Acne?

Fester said he would give the punchline later...  8) :o

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #303 on: October 16, 2012, 08:14:38 pm »
Could be that they come all over your face when you reach 14.    Or maybe another reason!    :laugh:
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline DaveR

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #304 on: October 17, 2012, 10:18:18 am »
One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent.....seen here with Jimmy Saville.

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #305 on: October 17, 2012, 10:29:16 am »
 L0L  _))*
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #306 on: November 05, 2012, 11:36:53 am »
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #307 on: November 11, 2012, 10:33:03 am »

The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed
that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current
picture of each of the women and a picture of each of them taken in the
1970s.The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
                                            -------------------


Abu Hamza is being deported to the States.
It's been a long time since the Americans have been excited about a Muslim
flying towards them.

                                    ----------------------
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said
she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years
together !!!!

                                            -------------------

Got my Halloween costume sorted, I'm gonna wear a blonde wig, tracksuit,
Gold chains & a cigar. That should scare the little buggers away.
                                          ------------------

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the
cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it
for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it
then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

                                              ------------------------

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try
anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
                                                -----------------------

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal
Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

                                                -----------------------
                                                ------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
                                                ---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

                                                -------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

                                                  -------------------------

2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

                                                  ----------------------


----------------------------

Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #308 on: March 25, 2013, 08:17:40 am »
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps..He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

    As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.  Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.  He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

    The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

    He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

    She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
   "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing back flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #309 on: March 25, 2013, 08:27:32 am »
The husband was in pure ecstasy …… a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes and a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, “totally in the moment” as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him….then equally rapidly, backwards away from him. She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well ….first , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be    repeated with increasing pace and anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion……. sometimes in a series of short urgent spurts of movement….. but always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... she was starting to sweat but she was so totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor would she have cared even if she had recognized it…… her focus was solely and  totally upon her husband.

Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan….. at first, a soft, barely audible whimper escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly as her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence. Her moans rising in volume, frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder. She began mumbling several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush…….
She was totally oblivious to the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer ……she let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,
 
 
"OK, OK!.... You’re right !!! I CAN'T park the f..king car! ………  You do it, you SMUG naughty boy!"
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #310 on: March 25, 2013, 09:23:12 am »
 _))* both very funny!  :laugh:
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #311 on: March 26, 2013, 03:48:59 pm »
This is a great joke... courtesy of OSCAR!


A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $35."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your F**KING brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #312 on: March 26, 2013, 05:29:17 pm »
 L0L L0L
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #313 on: April 10, 2013, 10:17:03 am »
I took a dyslexic bird back to my house last night, she ended up cooking my sock!

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #314 on: May 09, 2013, 08:21:29 am »
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero