I wanted to put this in true stories but haven't due to the swearing. I love reading letters like these
Subject: ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from
them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where
I was bloody born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving
license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-f*****g-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when
I die!!!!!!
I apologise, I'm really p****d off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to
my house, then you ask me for my f*****g address !!!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for doggy doos sakes. I just want to
go and park my A*** on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone
please tell me, why would you give a doggy doos whether I plan on visiting a
farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something
weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last
f*****g people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
poxy city to get another f*****g copy of my birth certificate, to the
tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in
the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same
day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then have to find some A*****e to confirm that
it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why
we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally p****d off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone
to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country
since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over
30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I
am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
f*****g PAKISTAN !
Sincerely,
You Sure The Hell Should Know Who.