Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174509 times)

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Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #255 on: May 02, 2011, 05:15:45 am »
After a visit to the whore house,
 a man notices green lumps on his willy, 
so he goes to the doctors.
 “That’s serious” says the doctor.
 “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”


Reminds me of the hobo who rode a freight train from Chicago to Los Angeles. He ended up with lumps in the same place.

The doctor told him he had a severe case of Box Car Willy  :laugh:

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #256 on: May 09, 2011, 07:21:10 pm »
No contributions from DONTHETURNER since mid February - anyone heard from him?   
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero


Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #257 on: May 10, 2011, 12:48:18 am »
No contributions from DONTHETURNER since mid February - anyone heard from him?  

He was 'enjoying himself' in Thailand last I heard.  :laugh:




(I believe it's his niece  ;))


Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #258 on: May 29, 2011, 05:38:26 pm »
 
Irish man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted..

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

 

 



Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #259 on: May 29, 2011, 05:58:39 pm »
 L0L L0L L0L

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #260 on: May 30, 2011, 04:44:49 am »
Classic.  _))*

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #261 on: June 02, 2011, 09:47:05 pm »
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.     

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
 
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some naughty boy's sent me a magnifying glass!   

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!   

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my A***! Do you think I should change dentists?     

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.   

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.*.N.T.S.. for short.     

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.   

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.   

The wife has been missing a week now.. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.   

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was 



Offline Quiggs

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #262 on: June 03, 2011, 05:31:09 pm »
My wife told me to get a p-n-s enlarger, so I did, she is 21 and her name is Lucy.
Dictum Meum Pactum

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #263 on: June 03, 2011, 11:31:31 pm »
My wife told me to get a p-n-s enlarger, so I did, she is 21 and her name is Lucy.
L0L L0L L0L L0L L0L
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #264 on: June 04, 2011, 10:00:11 am »

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY…
 
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be p****d off than p****d on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
 
 
-----
 
 
 
 
 

Offline Quiggs

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #265 on: June 04, 2011, 12:11:55 pm »
I just got thrown out and barred from Mc Donalds. When I went in there was this stunning young assistant there, I asked for a regular Burger, she replied that she could make it bigger for an additional 30p. I replied that she already had and would she finish it off for a £1-00.   :D
Dictum Meum Pactum

Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #266 on: June 28, 2011, 12:56:34 pm »
A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see

some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist?  What in tarnation is a

taxidermist?  Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #267 on: July 26, 2011, 11:35:25 am »
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!" :votive:



Offline Pendragon

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #268 on: August 10, 2011, 12:06:54 am »
I wanted to put this in true stories but haven't due to the swearing.  I love reading letters like these  $good$

Subject: ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!
 
 
Dear Sirs,
 
 
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from
them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where
I was bloody born and on what date.
 
 
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving
license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.
 
 
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-f*****g-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when
I die!!!!!!
 
 
I apologise, I'm really p****d off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to
my house, then you ask me for my f*****g address !!!!
 
 
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for doggy doos sakes. I just want to
go and park my A*** on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone
please tell me, why would you give a doggy doos whether I plan on visiting a
farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something
weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last
f*****g people I'd want to tell!
 
 
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
poxy city to get another f*****g copy of my birth certificate, to the
tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in
the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same
day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens
with our heads cut off, then have to find some A*****e to confirm that
it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why
we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally p****d off!
 
 
Signed
 
 
An Irate Citizen.
 
 
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone
to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country
since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over
30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years
enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I
am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
f*****g PAKISTAN !
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
You Sure The Hell Should Know Who.
 
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #269 on: August 10, 2011, 01:51:57 am »
 :laugh: Good one.

It's easy to tell it either started in the UK and was 'doctored' for the USA or vice-versa.

How is it that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from
them back in 1977


Well, my family has been in this country
since 1776 ..........