Less clean jokes: adults only

[Merddin Emrys]

I remember Fiona Fullerton  had the number FU 2 on her car

[brumbob]

I remember Fiona Fullerton  had the number FU 2 on her car

Top totty in her day  D)

[brumbob]

There were 2 old-maid sisters both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, Im not going to die a virgin Im going out and Im not coming home til Ive been laid!!

Betty says, Well, make sure youre home by 10 so I dont worry about you.

10 oclock rolls around and theres no sign of Gladys 11 oclock12 oclock

Finally about 1:30AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, Are you okay, Gladys??

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

What is it, Gladys??? Whats wrong? asks Betty.

Oh Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half youre gonna have the time of your life!!!

[Trojan]

 

[Trojan]

Intended to put this in the interesting and amusing YouTube video section, however it does contain a few choice words.....

Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice

[Hugo]

The little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores..

Well, he's a little p****d off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him that he’s not getting any pussy for a week, or should I?"
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

[brumbob]

If it moves, nail it 

smutley 360.flv

[brumbob]

Do you ever wonder why......?

click for bigger picture

[barney]

   An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
>
  'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
> confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
>
   The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
> Hail Mary's.'
>
   Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
> it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny
> Green twice a week for the past two months.'
>
  This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
>
  'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
>
  'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
>
  At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
> sermon, a tall,
>
  Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
> The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
> up  the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green
> and  very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
>
>      The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
> and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
> enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
>
  The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny  Green?'
>
> The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to  calmly reply,

   'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

 

[brumbob]

He Grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.  Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
 
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.  "Just relax."
 
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.  My breath caught in my throat.  I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.  His touch was so experienced, so sure.
 
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.  My pulse was pounding.  I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage..  And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.  Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
 
Although I knew nothing about this man,  I felt oddly trusting and expectant.  This is a man, I thought.  A man used to taking charge.  A man not used to taking "No" for an answer.  A man who would tell me what he wanted.  A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Ma'am,  All done."
 
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.  "You can board your flight now."

[Trojan]

How many passports do you have Bob? 

[brumbob]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.


He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,

"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons.

You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.

As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand

and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers:

"That's easy... Just follow the yellowdick Toad!"

[Yorkie]

A guy's just started at a chain store. At the end of the day the manager comes to him and asks

"how many sales did you have today?"
"One" replies the man.
"Only one?! Most employees have over ten in a day... How much was it for?"
"122,626 dollars" replies the man.
"Frost! What did you sell?"
"Well first I sold a guy a snorkel. After asking him where he was snorkelling we decided he'd need a boat to get there so I sold him one of our twin engine models. He then said that he didn't think his car would pull the boat, so I sold him a new 4 x 4."

"Well Frost me! You sold a guy a boat, and a four wheel drive all because he was going snorkeling?"

"No way!...
He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend. I said well since your weekends already Frosted you might as well go snorkelling."

[barney]

After a visit to the whore house,
 a man notices green lumps on his willy, 
so he goes to the doctors.
 “That’s serious” says the doctor.
 “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
 
 
 

 

[Yorkie]

A missionary goes to help out with a little African village. While there, one of the tribe's women has an albino baby. Immediately, the village gets into an uproar and wants to kill the white missionary for mingling with their women. The missionary goes on a long walk with the chief and explains to him about albinism, and the chief pretends to following along and understand.

They come across a clearing with some hills in the distance. The chief says, "Okay, I'll buy your albino story, but you must use it practically from now on in all your stories."

Confused, the missionary asks what he means.

"We both know the truth." Then the chief points to a herd of sheep on the top of one of the hills and says, "See that flock of sheep up there? You see that black one? You don't say anything, and I won't say anything."