Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174673 times)

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brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #210 on: February 12, 2011, 01:23:17 pm »
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #211 on: February 12, 2011, 05:45:44 pm »
    Today's word is ... FLUCTUATIONS

     

    I was at my Bank of Nova Scotia today.  There was a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

     

    It was obvious that she was a little irritated. She asked the teller "Why it change?  Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today only get hunat eighty.  Why it change?

     

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said "Fluctuations".

     

    The Asian lady said "Fluc you white people, too".

 

 


Offline barney

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #212 on: February 12, 2011, 06:15:31 pm »

A successful
rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch
hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
He proved to be a hardworker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.
For weeks,the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing verywell.

then oneday, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o'clock
came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock
and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietlycalled him over to her..

"Unbutton myblouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling,he did as she directed
 "Now take off my boots."


 He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
 "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,you're fired."


 



brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #213 on: February 13, 2011, 01:24:52 pm »
 _))*


Nelson  at Trafalgar 2010 .....................


Nelson:  "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye  sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I  dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of  this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading  aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her  duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,  religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook  is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty  policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities  employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “  England " past the censors, lest it be considered  racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my  pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval  vessels have now been designated smoke-free working  environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open  the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel  the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration  has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the  Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:  "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with  it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find  that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of  water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve  of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance  with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,  please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible,  sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and  Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and  they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They  won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can  be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's  carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's  busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck  Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never  heard anything so absurd.."

Hardy: "Health and  safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free  environment for the differently abled."

Nelson:  "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I  refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise  to the rank of admiral by playing the disability  card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal  Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual  impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson:  "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray  beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too,  sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging  without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing  in too much salt - haven't you seen the  adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to  engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit  worried about shooting at anyone,  Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is  mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just  that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they  actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid  lawyers on board, watching everyone like  hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the  Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually,  sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're  not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish  are our European partners now. According to the Common  Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch  of water. We could get hit with a claim for  compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a  Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I  wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you  saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary  report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an  enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not  any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this  multicultural age..  Now put on your Kevlar vest;  it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson:  "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to  rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained,  sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal  punishment."

Nelson: "What about  sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal,  sir."

Nelson: "In that case...................  Kiss me, Hardy."

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #214 on: February 13, 2011, 01:28:40 pm »
Excellent BrumBob.

Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #215 on: February 15, 2011, 08:55:27 am »
Discovery Channel

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a
West African bush tribe whose men all had a penis 12 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around
his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 12 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the
African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown 6 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #216 on: February 17, 2011, 07:38:47 am »

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces

four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this  most odd, but complies, fastening the

springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the  springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless and the guy is paying.
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over

the room by the energetic German, all the time honking

on the duck caller.


The climax is the most sensational that she has ever

experienced and it is several minutes before she has

enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says the German . .

'zat is  ze.... Four-sprung  Duck technique'
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline dontheturner

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  • Never look back, at your past mistakes
Re: Dreadful jokes
« Reply #217 on: February 18, 2011, 12:43:51 am »
  Subject: WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

> Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

> Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

> Better to be p****d off than p****d on.

> Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

> Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

> Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

> Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

> Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

> War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

>>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

> It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

> Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

> Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

> Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #218 on: February 19, 2011, 01:25:33 am »
 
            FARTING AT TIFFANY'S 
             
            A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL  DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...    AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...    VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED  HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...    AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A  SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...    GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE  QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...    HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP  YOU TODAY???    BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW  MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS  LOVELY BRACELET ??'    HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING  TO doggy doos  YOURSELF WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."

     

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #219 on: February 19, 2011, 12:56:27 pm »
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
 
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  

2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8 ) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!  
 
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
 
 
And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

 
 
See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!

brumbob

  • Guest
Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #220 on: February 21, 2011, 07:44:47 pm »
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy:  ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna:  ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. 
Then he  takes me out for dinner...
A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy,  I enjoyed  it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely  crazy,
he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'' 

Dorothy:  ''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out  with him?'' 

Edna:  ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''

brumbob

  • Guest
Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #221 on: February 23, 2011, 11:51:54 pm »
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

brumbob

  • Guest
Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #222 on: February 23, 2011, 11:54:07 pm »
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand.

 Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

brumbob

  • Guest
Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #223 on: February 25, 2011, 12:12:47 am »
Last flights of the Harrier from Cottesmore took place in late December when 800 Naval Air Squadron and IV ® Squadron at RAF Cottesmore flew an approved route over several Lincolnshire and Suffolk airfields, then on for a flypast over the MOD and Parliament to entertain a number of UK and foreign dignitaries and massed MPs.

The disgruntled yet highly professional former Harrier pilots were specially recalled for this event, laid on by the RAF top brass in an effort to demonstrate that despite the cuts, the good old British stiff upper lip was still in place.

This event wasn't well publicized and unusually escaped the attention of most of the Aviation enthusiast sites.

Fortunately an image of the London leg of the flypast was captured for prosperity.

 

A picture of the last Harrier flypast over the Houses of Parliament. You have squint to see what the 'boys' are trying to say!



 

 

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #224 on: February 26, 2011, 12:06:56 am »
 L0L L0L L0L L0L     _))* _))* _))* _))*     :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Nice one BrumBob,  I had to look at that twice to figure it out....
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -