Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174314 times)

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Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #195 on: January 31, 2011, 06:22:02 pm »
: Sums it up really!!!!!


Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.



The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,  but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Opthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the  Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash  their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it,and one said he nose it wont work.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p****d off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the  Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London ..


Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #196 on: February 01, 2011, 05:50:35 pm »
Subject:
 W: Duz tha speak Yowkshire?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
 
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
 
Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................................................
 
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
 
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"
 
..............................................................................................

 
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell A*** cream?"
 
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"


brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #197 on: February 05, 2011, 05:18:12 pm »
It's not easy being Dyslexic...

Last night I got my sleeping tablets and Viagra mixed up................Ended up having Forty Wanks!

Offline Paddy

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #198 on: February 05, 2011, 05:22:10 pm »
 ;D

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #199 on: February 05, 2011, 05:25:16 pm »
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #200 on: February 05, 2011, 06:44:47 pm »
I think what Andy Gray and Richard Keys did was terrible and I think Sky Sports were right to sack Andy.
Also I think in the interest of fairness Sky Sports should give Andy's job to a female presenter... ....with really big t!ts!

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #201 on: February 05, 2011, 07:08:40 pm »
Here's one for Don:

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection".

But she did.

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #202 on: February 06, 2011, 02:48:35 pm »
Fester the hen

Fester came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Fester, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Fester was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Fester was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground..

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Fester, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Fester.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...






'Fester, wake up, you drunken naughty boy. You've **** the bed!!'
« Last Edit: February 06, 2011, 03:27:07 pm by brumbob »

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #203 on: February 06, 2011, 03:25:08 pm »
Never yet done that...
However whilst all this has been going on, my pet Cockatiel has now laid TWO eggs in two days.

A normally tame bird, she will now guard them viciously for a few days, and not even eat or drink.
Then she'll either lay even more,  or get bored and ignore them.


Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #204 on: February 06, 2011, 03:29:02 pm »
Never yet done that...
I should hope not  :laugh:

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #205 on: February 06, 2011, 03:36:04 pm »
This is Charlie my parrot. He's pinching crisps off Gez. He hates women. It took months for me to go near him. He can't fly and he's really funny.
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #206 on: February 06, 2011, 06:14:35 pm »
Funny that....my cockatiel loves crisps too, and will take them from me OR Mrs Fester.
But, she doesn't like Mrs F unless there is some food involved.

In fact the only female that my bird seems to like is Merddin Emrys' lovely wife Helen.... But everyone likes Helen.
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Trojan

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #207 on: February 06, 2011, 08:16:54 pm »
Here's another one for Don:

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #208 on: February 08, 2011, 07:22:51 am »
A little old lady goes into a tavern and sits at the bar.

The bartender notices that she is VERY drunk but goes over to find out what she needs.

The old lady says, (in a drunken slur)

"Tarbender, Tarbender, bring me a martuni with a pickle in it."

So he makes a martini, puts an olive in it and hands it to her.

She gulps it down in one swig and says,

"Oh heartburn, heartburn,

Tarbender, Tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."

So the bartender makes another martini, puts an olive in it and takes it to the old lady.

Again she gulps it down in one swig and slams the glass down on the bar saying,

"Heartburn, heartburn,

Tarbender, Tarbender, bring me another martuni with a pickle in it."

Well now the bartender is thinking that this is about enough of her so he says,

"Lady, first of all I am not a Tarbender,

I am a BARTENDER!

Second, you are not drinking a martuni with a pickle in it,

It is a MARTINI with an OLIVE in it!

And third, you don't have heartburn,

Your tits are in the ashtray!

brumbob

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #209 on: February 08, 2011, 03:52:10 pm »
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.

'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya wood'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a €20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a €10 note appears.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '? €1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman



'Sure I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'