Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 89834 times)

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Cordyline

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #390 on: May 13, 2020, 10:34:26 AM »
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they decided to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone"

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents" Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor.

And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the F*cking Arab.

SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #391 on: August 26, 2020, 10:16:55 AM »

Few More.........


Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #392 on: October 09, 2020, 02:17:41 PM »
Before I get any rude comments I must point out that this e-mail was received from a friend        ;D

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store, buying a large bag of "My Dog" dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had? An elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with "My Dog" nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's A*** and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's

Blongb

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #393 on: October 09, 2020, 06:05:07 PM »
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her   period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy   kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and   impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take   charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally,   if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins,   they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However,   if there is a miscarriage,   what do you suggest I do?' At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You gonna try again!!'
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #394 on: October 11, 2020, 05:07:38 PM »
Lucky old Tim!


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Blongb

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #395 on: November 09, 2020, 02:01:19 PM »
The Scottish Brothel”

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies

Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.


He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."


Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied,  "  Edinburgh."

"Really," she said.

 "I have family in Edinburgh   .."

"I know." the man said..

 "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer, She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death

2.  Taxes

3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #396 on: November 09, 2020, 03:17:01 PM »
Blongb, great joke, I know Milngavie well, the area would only allow high class and expensive brothel to open there  :-[...and the name Milngavie causes a lot of trouble for visitors, it is pronounced Mul-guy.

PS I have an uncle there, I'll send him a copy....  $good$         

Three Towns Forum - Talk about Llandudno, Colwyn Bay & Conwy

Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #396 on: November 09, 2020, 03:17:01 PM »


SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #397 on: November 11, 2020, 04:04:53 PM »
I had a reply from Scotland, plus............

                                                                                Can you help?

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a Covid secure corporate box for the next England v Scotland game Thursday 15th November. He paid £300  each but he didn’t realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at Aldershot Registry Office at 4 pm.  The bride’s name is Sarah – she’s 5’5”, about 9 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #398 on: November 14, 2020, 03:16:45 PM »
Where's Fred?

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #399 on: November 21, 2020, 04:44:13 PM »
How to pose for a dating profile picture   

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #400 on: November 29, 2020, 10:50:43 AM »
My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and  one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was

a sign attached that said..... ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....

Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a

sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

 WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week ! .........

You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly

broke my ribs, and said,  'That's once a day .

You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

 I looked at her and said,  'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow...'

My condition has been upgraded  from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #401 on: Yesterday at 01:49:04 PM »
 ;)