Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 67076 times)

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Blongb

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #375 on: February 05, 2017, 12:24:46 PM »
The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee. That my good man is aplomb.
-- Now I can only sit and stare--

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #376 on: February 15, 2017, 04:11:29 PM »
I have a confession  ........

snowcap

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #377 on: May 05, 2017, 11:43:03 PM »
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
 
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, ‘You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers.  He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless.’
 
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.  ‘Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.’
 
'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.  I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division.  I have researched the history of...’
 
At that point, the colonel interrupted, ‘Yes, yes. Never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.  Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f--k off.’

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #378 on: June 09, 2017, 04:12:34 PM »

Today a friend's wife said to him,

"Honey, get off your rear and fix that gutter downspout!  And, I want it done before the end of the day!"

Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend,  most of our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"

So, I invited some of my neighbourhood buddies over to help withthe project.

One is a sheet metal fabricator.

One brought his welder.

One brought beer and Nachos.

One brought a grill and burgers.

Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
 
As usual, the wife is still not happy!

Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!

Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.


Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #379 on: July 30, 2017, 11:04:07 AM »
This is worth a watch, especially for any ex-REME folk out there:

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“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Quiggs

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #380 on: August 01, 2017, 05:07:48 PM »
 Yep, that's me. 'Hic hic '
Quote
Dictum Meum Pactum

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #381 on: December 19, 2017, 01:35:12 PM »
Laugh ye not

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.  No one responds.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.



snowcap

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #382 on: February 28, 2018, 08:30:04 PM »
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.

Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #383 on: April 23, 2018, 05:55:21 PM »
A glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine  and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it 's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of doggy doos.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I 'm doing it as a public service