Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 183254 times)

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Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #405 on: February 03, 2021, 12:26:38 pm »
 
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.           
 
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."           
 
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."           
 
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"           
 
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.           
 
What does your wife look like?'           
 
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."           
 
   

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #406 on: February 21, 2021, 04:51:32 pm »
Here's an e-mail I received with some strange facts:-
 
1)   If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of  an atomic bomb.

 (Now that's more like it!)

(I already have 2 bombs)

 
2)    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

 3)   A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)


4)   A cockroach will live nine days without its   head  before it starves to death. (Creepy)

 (I'm still not over the pig.)


5)    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)


6)     The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the…?)

 
7)     The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 
8)      The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 
9)      Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

 
10)       Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 11)     The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm…….)

 
12)      Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


13)      Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 
14)     A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 
15)      An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 (I know some people like that.)

 
16)       Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

 
17)        Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 
18)  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your   turn  to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!

(and you gotta   love  that pig!)


Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #407 on: March 16, 2021, 10:12:44 am »
 ;)

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #408 on: March 30, 2021, 09:56:14 am »
I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this,  I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad 
“It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
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Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little XXXXXXX's name is Kevin.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #409 on: April 01, 2021, 02:39:55 pm »
 
Aussie Counselling At its best…!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless bloke who was wandering by stopped and said,

"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! b****r off you filthy old naughty boy!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Counselling can work!!!

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #410 on: April 02, 2021, 10:23:30 am »
 ;)

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #411 on: April 06, 2021, 10:23:14 am »
IRSH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way

out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that, he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.


His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone


at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly


smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……


‘F*** off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral






Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #412 on: April 11, 2021, 03:33:09 pm »
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge breasts without surgery. She decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup chest!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.


Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?"

"Yes I am. How did you know‽"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."


Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #413 on: July 23, 2021, 02:47:25 pm »
 ;)

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #414 on: July 27, 2021, 10:17:57 am »
  ))*   Sorry

Offline DownUnder

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #415 on: September 06, 2021, 08:12:45 am »
My mate told me about a bloke he knows who likes to dip his testicles in glitter every morning. Pretty Nuts hey?

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #416 on: September 15, 2021, 02:36:51 pm »
 ;)

Offline mull

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #417 on: September 16, 2021, 10:53:34 am »
Warning.

Do not wear Russian underpants or your Chernobyl will fall out.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #418 on: September 20, 2021, 03:04:23 pm »
YouTube Dustin Hoffmans Flea Joke on Graham Norton Show

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KteK6f0Xhs

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #419 on: September 21, 2021, 02:32:35 pm »
Chap goes to the Doctor's. Doctor said "You have a rare disease called MDK 237.

You have 3 days to live."

He tells his Old Mum.

She says "Come to Bingo with me tonight it will cheer you up."

He said "But I have MDK 237. Three days to live."

Anyway He goes along.

He wins every game, lines, full houses, four corners and even the roll over jackpot!

He goes for his winnings at the end.

Bingo caller says to him. "You must be the luckiest man alive! Winning every game, jackpot, the lot!"

Man says "LUCKY? LUCKY?!"

"I've got MDK 237!"


Bingo caller says "F**K ME! You've won the raffle as well!"