Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 171975 times)

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Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #360 on: February 24, 2014, 12:08:56 pm »
One of the funniest I've ever heard:

DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days ?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James
had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed
James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like something to
drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked
interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said..

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt
and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella
burst into the house  and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the Twist!
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #361 on: September 09, 2014, 03:59:15 pm »
The wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down just a couple of miles north of the capital.
What a third world doggy doos hole!
Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us and the missus stood out in her sundress as all other women wore head-to-toe burkas.
We are so dead I thought.

Anyway, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had
an Underground station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and then on to Kabul from Heathrow!


Offline Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #362 on: October 22, 2014, 12:32:57 pm »

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/car/dirty#ixzz3Gs9Z8UM9
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline snowcap

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #363 on: January 17, 2015, 10:23:52 pm »
 Subject: A Cow's Tail
>
>
>
> A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
>
> Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
>
> 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
>
> We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
>
> 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's A***.
>
> Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
>
> 'I don't remember much after

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #364 on: October 09, 2015, 10:27:12 pm »
Something to think about?

Offline snowcap

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #365 on: November 04, 2015, 09:13:04 pm »
  50 Shades of Grey

               We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book
               club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted
               Roberts, who is himself an author lauded for his timeless
               work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came
               up with an interesting suggestion.  He said his wife thought
               that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of
               Grey" as we might learn something from it.  Someone
               thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.
               The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with
               some notes relating to their experience of reading the book
               and its relevance to our activities.

               At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house,
               where the members recounted the literary impact of the novel.
               Here are their experiences:
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Bill Carruthers, 74

               We tried various positions – round the back, on the side,
               up against a wall.
               But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the
               garden was the only place for a good shed.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Nick Enwright, 86

               She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
               “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do
               whatever you want with me.”
               So I took her to B&Q.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Ted Roberts, 79

               She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at
               first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with
               pleasure. Now for the other boot.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Tom Entwhistle, 73

               Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds
               of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into
               the shed, though.
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Jack Farthing, 78

               “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed,
               calmly.
               “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
               “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all
               that asbestos in the shed roof.”
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               John Hardcastle, 72

               “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip.
               “I need to be punished.”
               So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
               ------------------------------------------------------------------

               Colin Horrocks, 65

               “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
               “Harder!”
               “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product
               of Nicaragua?”
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Malcolm Riddock, 75

               I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
               Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had
               come up a treat.
               ------------------------------------------------------------------

               Allen Cardly, 74

               “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded,
               brandishing stilettos.
               “I think so,” I gulped.
               “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

               Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over
               my workbench.
               “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat A*** and
               no dress sense.”
               -----------------------------------------------------------------

               Nicholas Benchley, 53

               “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m
               done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She
               nodded.
               “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite
               on eBay.
               ------------------------------------------------------------------

               Toby Williams, 60

               “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a
               real man can!”
               “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat
               up.
 




Offline Ian

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #366 on: November 05, 2015, 07:43:25 am »
 _))* _))* _))* _))* _))*

Excellent!
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #367 on: December 03, 2015, 03:14:43 pm »
Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-ententes ever aired on TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis' misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

Offline Hugo

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #368 on: December 18, 2015, 03:09:25 pm »
 I bought some 'Jamie Oliver
Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick
with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with
that!

When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't
leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

I had a row
with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric
conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must
have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for
Comfort.

Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a
loo!

I’ve swapped our bed for a
trampoline. My wife hit the roof!

Two Thai
girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said
it would be just like winning the Lottery! I agreed, and
they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we
had six matching balls

Offline SDQ

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #369 on: March 24, 2016, 11:51:37 pm »
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!


A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! b****r off you filthy old naughty boy!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........
Valar Morghulis

Offline DownUnder

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #370 on: March 26, 2016, 10:49:47 am »
DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
(But applicable to a number of other States/Territories)

August 31
 Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
 Now this is a town that knows how to live!
 Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
 I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
 It was beautiful.
 I've finally found my new home.
 I love it here.

September 13
 Really heating up now.
 It got to 31 today.
 No problem though.
 Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
 What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
 I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
 Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
 Lots of palms and rocks.
 No more mowing lawns for me!
 Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
 It's Paradise !

October 10
 The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
 How do people get used to this kind of heat?
 At least today it's windy though.
 Keeps the flies off a bit.
 Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
 Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
 Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
 Missed three days off work.
 What a dumb thing to do..
 Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
 By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
 The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh!t.
 I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
 - This wind is a b@st@rd.
 It feels like a giant f#$king blow dryer.
 And it's hot as hell!
 The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f#$king Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f#$king air conditioner.
 House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
 Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
 Why the hell did I ever come here?

 November 4
 Finally got the f#$king air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
 Stupid repairman.
 F#$king thief.

November 8
 - If one more smart b@st@rd says 'Hot enough for you today?'
 I'm going to f#$king throttle him.
 F#$king heat!
 By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my f#$king clothes are soaking f#$king wet and I smell like baked cat.
 F#$king place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
 I thought my f#$king ar$e was on fire.
 I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f#$king ar$e.
 Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried ar$e and baked cat.
 F#$k. F#$k. F#$k.

November 10
 -- The Weather report might as well be a f#$king recording..
 Hot and sunny.
 Hot and sunny, Hot and f#$king sunny.
 It never f#$king changes!
 It's been too hot to do anything for 2 f#$king months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
 F#$k!

November 15
 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f#$king place?
 Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f#$king pool.
 The only things that thrive in this f#$king hell-hole are the f#$king flies.
 You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little b@st@rds!

November 20
 - Welcome to HELL!
 It got to 45 f#$kin' degrees today.
 Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
 The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
 I wanted to shove the f#$king car up his f#$king ar$e.
 Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid pr!ck.
 F#$king Karratha!
 What kind of sick, demented f#$king idiot would want to live here!
 
December 1
 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
 You are f#$king kidding me!

Offline DownUnder

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #371 on: March 26, 2016, 11:37:28 am »
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. 

The barman notices the man has a steering wheel poking out the top of his pants. "What's that thing?" he asked nodding toward the steering wheel. 

The man shrugged his shoulders saying "I've got no idea, but it's driving me nuts".

Offline SteveH

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #372 on: July 10, 2016, 01:17:28 pm »
Friend sent me this..........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv9-1Iiaxf8

Offline DownUnder

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #373 on: July 11, 2016, 11:29:47 am »

Offline Blongb

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Re: Less clean jokes: adults only
« Reply #374 on: February 05, 2017, 12:14:13 pm »
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the  Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where  to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)