Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 205220 times)

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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #420 on: December 24, 2014, 07:54:50 am »
 _))* _))* _))*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #421 on: December 27, 2014, 11:06:17 pm »
I love this one
This was sent to me by one of my “Scouse” friends, say no more!!
 
With Christmas close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Merry Christmas and be safe out there

Best Regards


Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #422 on: December 28, 2014, 08:08:59 am »
 _))* _))* _))* _))*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #423 on: December 28, 2014, 08:50:36 am »
So where is the taxi now?
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #424 on: December 28, 2014, 12:34:45 pm »
Buy one now before they sell out!
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #425 on: January 19, 2015, 09:00:08 pm »
.Self Assessment
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline thaithyme

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #426 on: January 28, 2015, 02:33:19 am »
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
 Conclusion:
 Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. ;D

Offline born2run

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #427 on: January 28, 2015, 10:49:15 am »
Fester will be alright then  $good$

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #428 on: May 27, 2015, 05:38:13 pm »
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local market with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true.

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #429 on: May 27, 2015, 06:34:50 pm »
Lot more of those here:

http://www.darwinawards.com/
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #430 on: August 11, 2015, 09:37:34 am »
I received this e-mail the other day but couldn't find out from the Hoax Slayer if it was genuine.       It would be funny if it was true especially after finding out that two Policement were sheltering from the rain in the bus shelter by Llandrillo Tech college while  using a speed gun on motorists travelling from Penrhyn Bay

Offline DaveR

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #431 on: August 11, 2015, 09:39:53 am »
I received this e-mail the other day but couldn't find out from the Hoax Slayer if it was genuine.       It would be funny if it was true especially after finding out that two Policement were sheltering from the rain in the bus shelter by Llandrillo Tech college while  using a speed gun on motorists travelling from Penrhyn Bay
http://snopes.com/autos/law/snaptrap.asp

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #432 on: August 11, 2015, 09:55:33 am »
That would be great if it were true!  L0L
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #433 on: August 11, 2015, 10:29:17 am »
Thanks Dave,  a pity that it wasn't true.   

The Police usually have a mobile camera van by the Llandrillo Tech but on this occasion they were hiding in the bus shelter.    I know that it's a 30mph zone but the A55 through Colwyn Bay is a 50mph zone and potentially more dangerous with large wagons doing well over the speed limit.
That's where the cameras should be.

Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #434 on: August 16, 2015, 09:45:53 pm »
 Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little doggy doos is adorable.