Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 205286 times)

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Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #135 on: November 23, 2010, 04:22:11 am »
ey all turned to the Union Man and said, “What can your dog do?"
 The Union Man called his dog whose name was Coffee Break, and said,   "Show the fellows what you can do."
  Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Well Yorkie, Coffee Break, must have been a Civil Servant to behave like that, and just go sick. Don

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #136 on: November 24, 2010, 01:47:51 pm »
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" (And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.)

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU? And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."


Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #137 on: November 24, 2010, 04:53:51 pm »
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

 _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #138 on: November 24, 2010, 05:05:20 pm »
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him at weekends.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

 _))* _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #139 on: November 24, 2010, 05:13:03 pm »
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
< "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #140 on: November 26, 2010, 12:55:47 am »
My Dog

I went down to Centrelink this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country.

Offline Trojan

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #141 on: November 26, 2010, 05:13:22 pm »
I noticed a gentleman walking towards me this morning with two small dogs on a lead.

As we approached each other, I said "Good morning, are they Jack Russell's by any chance?"

He replied, "No, they're mine".  :-X



Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #142 on: November 27, 2010, 03:08:19 pm »
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
 

 _))*

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #143 on: November 29, 2010, 06:31:48 pm »
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."


Offline barney

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #144 on: November 29, 2010, 07:59:04 pm »
A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
   
 
 
   
 

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #145 on: November 30, 2010, 12:04:58 am »
I had to congratulate this lady when I met her recently,
I asked her to tell me what was the secret of her long life?

She told me that she drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels every day, has always taken class A drugs since she was a schoolgirl and smokes forty cigarettes every day.
So do you mind me asking how old you actually are I said?

Thirty Eight was the reply!
 
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #146 on: November 30, 2010, 11:30:08 am »
Bless, she looks like ETs gran   _))* _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #147 on: November 30, 2010, 01:25:47 pm »
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
 L0L  L0L  L0L

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #148 on: December 03, 2010, 12:46:58 pm »
With all this freezing weather and snow outside, all my wife does is stare through the window all day.

If it carries on like this, I might have to let her in.

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #149 on: December 03, 2010, 01:59:12 pm »
A bloke goes into a Pub and asks the barman to to put about an inch of beer in a pint glass and top it up with water. The barman obliges and says " I've been a barman for 40 yrs. and have never been asked for that before. The customer replies " If you had what I've got you'd be drinking the same."  The barman says " Why what have you got "  He replies   Thirty Pence.    :D :D
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