Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 205310 times)

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Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #390 on: February 28, 2014, 07:52:24 am »
 _))*  _))*
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #391 on: March 24, 2014, 07:06:00 am »
A retired couple were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a cozy restaurant. Suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. When it dissolved, a gorgeous fairy about as tall as a salt shaker was standing on the table. She looked up and announced, “For being such an exemplary married couple, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife—who was 62 years of age, just like her husband—exclaimed, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!” The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! Two tickets for a cruise liner’s around-the-world voyage materialized in the wife’s hands.

The husband pondered for a few moments. Then he looked at his wife and huffed, “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry, dear, but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than I am.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband instantly became 92 years old.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.


Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #392 on: March 24, 2014, 08:17:25 am »
 _))* L0L
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Bri Roberts

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Re: Stop Press
« Reply #393 on: April 02, 2014, 11:16:52 pm »
£200m scheme welcomed by tourism bosses in North Wales


Offline Fester

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Re: Re: Stop Press
« Reply #394 on: April 03, 2014, 12:37:38 am »
Looks interesting,  any more details Bri?
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Bri Roberts

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Re: Re: Stop Press
« Reply #395 on: April 03, 2014, 05:47:28 am »
Government planners have given the green light for a study into a bridge over the River Dee between West Kirby and Prestatyn.

The £200m bridge would see a toll road from the Mersey Tunnels linking to a bridge over the River Dee and onto the A55 - also known as the North Wales Expressway.

This would cut travel time from the Wirral to Wales and could cost as little as £1 per trip.

The scheme has been welcomed by tourism bosses in North Wales and authority leaders who believe the link could boost the local economy and help promote both regions as tourism hotspots.

It was reported during the morning of 1 April, Fester, so it may have been a hoax.

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/plans-bridge-linking-north-wales-6901045#comments

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #396 on: April 03, 2014, 07:31:01 am »
There have been some good ones.  My particular favourites were the Indie's reports that the Royal Mint is to start production of a 30p piece and is looking at introducing the 99p bit; the National Trust press release that explained how they move Stone Henge twice a year when the clocks change; Slovakia's BBC equivalent showing a new programme for insomniacs showing presenters counting sheep - live - for five hours; the Daily Telegraph reporting that Alex Salmond's face will be on new Scottish currency if they become independent; Radio 4's news that Giraffe milk is going on sale; ITV's report about square eggs and finally, the story that even managed to fool Wikipedia's editors:

:The Guardian Australia's April fools' story has gone down rather too well, even fooling Wikipedia.

Readers in Australia woke up to news, filed by Guardian reporter Olaf Priol, that their most famed dessert, the Lamington, was in fact created in New Zealand and called a "Wellington". Most readers saw a red herring, spotting instantly the date of the report and the reporter's dubious record for reporting non-facts. But a minority appear to have taken the story as fact.

The lamington's Wikipedia page referenced Priol's article, beginning with the sentence: "A lamington is a dessert of New Zealand origin."

Whilst local radio in Queensland, previously understood to be the home of the aforementioned sugary treat, called in a local baker to decry foul play by the New Zealanders.

"The lamington has apparently been spotted in a 19th Century water colour painting in Auckland.... and thus is no longer an Australian invention!" said drive time host Tim Cox.

A further search for the artist JR Smythe revealed it is likely he never existed.:
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline mull

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #397 on: April 03, 2014, 10:09:48 pm »
Seem to remember in the 1950s proposals for a Dee crossing between Hoylake and Point of Air but it never came to anything.

So nothing new in this one even if it was a hoax.

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #398 on: April 04, 2014, 07:31:58 am »
That's right, there was, but cost considerations mean it's simply not feasible.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #399 on: April 13, 2014, 06:23:13 am »
From Viz,
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #400 on: April 13, 2014, 07:34:18 am »
 _))* _))* _))*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #401 on: May 09, 2014, 09:17:21 pm »

 
 
 
 
 
 
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address !! 


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here !!
 
 
 
 

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #402 on: May 23, 2014, 09:18:32 am »
Once upon a time there was an elderly Gentleman from the Three Towns who was suffering
from the trials and tribulations of his ageing process.  His wife of 50 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was.  She, out of love and desperation, took him to a nursing home where he would be better cared for.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out the paperwork, a nurse
had our Friend sit in a  comfy chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left.   The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.    A few minutes later, our Friend started leaning to his right.   Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.   Then our aged Friend starting leaning forward.  This time, the nurse strapped him firmly upright into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, returned to
him and asked, "Now George, I've done all the paperwork, so how do you like this place?"


"It's okay I suppose, the surroundings seem very nice, the nurses are very attentive." he said.  "But ---- they won't even let me fart."
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline Blongb

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #403 on: June 07, 2014, 08:16:23 pm »

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

 "There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told the official, but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.

 "That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

 "Oh well. Couldn't we rename it ?" asked the official.

 "I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.

 "That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

 "Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."  ))*
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #404 on: June 09, 2014, 04:25:44 pm »
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
”Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.