Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 217053 times)

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Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #345 on: March 03, 2013, 10:27:18 pm »
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER
THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD
LUCK,MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR
GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL
ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERNTOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH
LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP
THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #346 on: March 25, 2013, 08:14:58 am »
A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.


Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #347 on: March 25, 2013, 08:25:09 am »
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The question is designed to test an understanding of 'Boyle’s Law' (gas cools when it expands and heats when compressed).

One student wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1: if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2: if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during Year 12 that ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explain why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

This student received an A*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #348 on: March 26, 2013, 12:01:07 pm »
Yorkshire Folk

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year, and every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "

 Blanche always replied, " I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed! "

Bill replied, " Well, to tell you t'truth I almost said summat when Blanche fell out, but tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! "

 

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #349 on: August 02, 2013, 11:47:55 am »
Another Yorkshire collection:

Duz tha speak Yorkshire?

 Police have just released details of a new drug craze
that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

..............................................................................

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman, "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet, "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman, "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us."

..............................................................................

 A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet. he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman, "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller, "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman, "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft b****r!"

..............................................................................

 Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks his chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell A*** cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #350 on: August 02, 2013, 12:11:58 pm »
The Aynuk and Ayli jokes from the Back Country are also excellent in Dialect.

Aynuk and Ayli are standing in Aynuks back garden, Aynuks next door neighbour is running up and down his back garden pretending he's riding a motorbike, Ayli says, "whats up wi im?" Aynuk says, "tek no notice he's saft in the yed, he thinks he's in the Isle o mon in the TT recess.". Ayli says, "but he ay got a bike yo orter tell him", " b****r off" says Aynuk "he pays me a fiver a wik to clean it."
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline Trojan

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #351 on: August 03, 2013, 12:11:57 am »
The Aynuk and Ayli jokes from the Back Country are also excellent in Dialect.

Would this be at the back of your house?

 :D

Tosh!  :P

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #352 on: August 03, 2013, 07:13:23 am »
The Aynuk and Ayli jokes from the Back Country are also excellent in Dialect.

Would this be at the back of your house?

 :D

Tosh!  :P

Got it in one!   Just at the back of Dudley Zoo . . . . . . . .  *snore* *snore* *snore*

(Pronounced Doo d lee)
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero

Offline Tosh

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #353 on: August 23, 2013, 12:10:03 pm »
Whoy ar yo askin may, oim nor a brummay.
I'm a Stokie and proud of it.
And as for the Shropshire oatcakes they keep on about, there's no such thing, they're Staffordshire oatcakes and they'll put hairs on your chest, as they say rind here.


Try this one,,,,
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
He asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork.'                 
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.''
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the father. Mum laughs and says, "Well, he’s certainly your son…!”
The robot slaps the mother.

Tosh

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #354 on: August 24, 2013, 03:41:49 pm »
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug
users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood
transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor


'Your mother must have been a carrier'
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Tosh

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #355 on: August 24, 2013, 04:01:01 pm »
Two balloons got married and 9 months later they had a little balloon.
I'm afraid that they spoiled the bay balloon by letting him sleep with them.
This wasn't too bad until he became a bit big for squeezing in between them in the middle of the night so they told him to stop sneaking in to them.
Baby balloon was very lonely at three o'clock in the morning so he crept into his parents bed and tried to squeeze in the middle.
It was very difficult so he let a bit of air out of his muumy and a little bit out of his daddy but he still couldn't squeeze in so out of sheer desperation he let a bit of air out of himself and finally he slid in.
Well, in the morning his parents awoke and they were very angry with him, "you naughty little baby balloon" his daddy said, "how dare you do this".
"We are very ashamed of you, do you realise that you have let your mummy down, you've let me down and worst of all you've let yourself down".  _))* _))* _))* _))*



Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #356 on: August 24, 2013, 10:59:52 pm »
Did you hear about the TV aerial that got married to another TV aerial?

I got an invite, the ceremony was boring but the RECEPTION WAS FANTASTIC!
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #357 on: August 25, 2013, 06:30:54 am »
 :(  As old as Methuselah himself.
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
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Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #358 on: August 26, 2013, 12:04:46 am »
:(  As old as Methuselah himself.

You should know, old Pal.
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #359 on: August 29, 2013, 06:40:25 pm »
This posting from another site amused me!   ZXZ
Wise men have something to say.
Fools have to say something.
Cicero