Clean Jokes

[Trojan]

Indeed.  I don't think this forum is the right place for sub text.

 L0L

Smokie - Living Next Door To Alice 1995

[Trojan]

Come on now.....you don't think I would have pulled the wool over your eyes do you? 

[Ian]

Ah!

 

[Trojan]

Ah!

 

 

[Trojan]

Can we have this thread moved to the jokes section please?  ¢¢##

[Yorkie]

A boy worked in the produce section of a supermarket. One day, a man
came in and asked to buy a half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, only a half head. So the boy said that he would
go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him. So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy
the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way Later the
manager called the boy in and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say that I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
 L0L  L0L  L0L  L0L

[Yorkie]

 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
 "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
 examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
 Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
 "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
 "No, because he's bloody heavy."

   L0L    L0L

[Ian]

Explaining the offside rule to women...

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.



Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

[Fester]

I went round to my Irish mate Paddy's house last night..

I said, good God Paddy,  you have such a high ceiling in here ... must be 18ft high!

He said, blame the wife ... she wanted 2 rooms knocking into one.

[Yorkie]

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)    L0L  L0L

[Pendragon]

Apparently the best way to get a stong cup of tea is to agitate the bag...........
So I always smack the bitch before she goes into the kitchen.

[barney]

A Blonde goes to Heaven
> A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met
>her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering
>from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance
>Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
>
>'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
>
>'Just three questions' said St Peter.
>
>'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
>
>'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
>letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
>The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
>
>'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call
>upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
>
>So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought
>(I expect you to do the same).
>
>The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had
>considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
>
>'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter
>T?'
>
>The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
>
>St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer
>can be applied to the question.
>
>'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St
>Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
>
>The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
>
>'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
>
>'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February,
>right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
>
>St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
>answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
>
>A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to
>stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be
>allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman
>in Waltzing Matilda?'
>
>The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest
>to answer.'
>
>'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
>
>'It's Andy.'
>
>'Andy??'
>
>'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
>
>This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the
>answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the
>blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
>
>'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
>billy boiled.'
>
>And the Blonde entered Heaven...
>
>
>
>... you're  singing it now, aren't you…??
>
>
>

[Yorkie]

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

[Yorkie]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
v
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The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
 
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

[Trojan]

Welcome to the Clean Joke section Don.  L0L