Clean Jokes

[barney]

Quiet night. Man sitting at home on the porch with his wife.

He says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[Fester]

 Z**      L0L L0L L0L

[Merddin Emrys]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
> will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
> which was the other possibility.
>
>
> As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
> English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
> year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
>
>
> In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will
> make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
> favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
> one less letter.
>
>
> There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
> troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like
> fotograf 20% shorter.
>
>
> In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
> to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
>
>
>
>
>
> Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
> always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>
> Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
> is disgrasful and it should go away.
>
>
> By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
> with "z" and "w" with "v".
>
> During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
> "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
>
>
>
> Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
> understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>
>
>
> Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
> ze forst plas.
>
>
> If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
>
>

[Trojan]

 

[Yorkie]

Am I missing something?    )*)&

[Trojan]

Am I missing something?    )*)&

Yes. 

[Yorkie]

What?

[brumbob]

The patient said, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, and you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh and heard, "Give me £10! I'm desperate! I need £10!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need £5! Just £5! Please! I'm desperate!"

The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."

"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need £20! Please lend me £20, please! I am really desperate!"

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in any of my books," the doctor said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"However, I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

[brumbob]

Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is
broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

[Yorkie]

I know the feeling!

Etiam oblivisci quod scis interdum expedit.

(It is sometimes expedient to forget what you know.)

[brumbob]

how did you remember that 

[Yorkie]

Remember what ?     

[Quiggs]

In a similar vein,
 JOIN THE CLUB.

Just a line to say that I`m living
That I`m not amongst the dead.
Though I`m getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head
I`ve got used to my arthritis
To my dentures I`m resigned
I can cope with my bi-focals,
But - ye gods - I miss my mind.

Sometimes I can`t remember
When I`m standing by the stairs,
If I`m going up for something
Or have just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often
My mind is full of doubt:
Now did I put some food away,
Or come to take some out?

If it`s not my turn to write dear
I hope you won`t get sore.
I may think I have written
 And don`t want to be a bore.
So remember I do love you,
And wished that you lived near,
But now it`s time to mail this
And say goodbye my dear.

I`m standing beside the mail box,
And my face - it sure is red.
Instead of posting this to you
I`ve opened it instead.

[Yorkie]

What do you call a dead blond in a closet? The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
 
How Does a Blonde Kill Fish? She drowns it.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
 
Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days? It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes? Elvis has been sighted.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? She turned it over and used the other side.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.

How does a blonde high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing out all the "W"s

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
 
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
 
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen.
 
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? There's writing on the white-out.
 
How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it.

Why do all blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead? Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it!

What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever.

[barney]

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

 
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform..  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

 
   
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.