Clean Jokes

[brumbob]

/ɯoɔ˙uʍopǝpısdnǝdʎʇ˙ʍʍʍ//:dʇʇɥ

[Trojan]

 :votive:

[brumbob]

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[brumbob]

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'


God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.


Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'what's a river?'


God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said , 'What is a hill?'


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'


After God explained, He said, 'in the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'how do I do that?'


God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....



'Lord, What's a headache?

[brumbob]

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offence.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "It's not as tender as Spotted Owl, but it's much better than Bald Eagle!"

[Ian]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect  those who were born prior to 1965 ...
 
Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !  That too!
 
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.  Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
 
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
 
 Hmmm.....Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?

[Scott]

Try emptying a bag of Maltesers onto the floor at a Weightwatchers meeting for a life size exciting game of Hungry Hippos!

[brumbob]

A lexiphile is a lover of words, in other words, people who are fascinated by words and language. This word is derived from the Greek roots for 'word' and for 'love.'

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

[brumbob]

you've got no chance against this

[Yorkie]

The LIEBHERR T-282c -  where have I heard that name before?
Payload 400 ton.

[Trojan]

very graphic, it's better to drive a large 4x4

Yes, of couse it is. 

accident mining

[Yorkie]

   L0L   L0L   L0L

[brumbob]

creating more disjointed reading

[brumbob]

  found it 

[brumbob]

What women really mean


Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important