Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 205386 times)

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Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #180 on: January 22, 2011, 12:37:11 am »
 
           These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 

         


         

        The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
        --------------------------
        The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
        --------------------------
        Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
        --------------------------
        Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
        --------------------------
        Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
        --------------------------
        Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
        --------------------------
        For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
        --------------------------
        Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
        --------------------------
        Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
        --------------------------
        A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
        --------------------------
        At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
        --------------------------
        Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
        --------------------------
        Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
        --------------------------
        Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
        --------------------------
        The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
        --------------------------
        Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
        --------------------------
        The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
        --------------------------
        This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
        --------------------------
        Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
        --------------------------
        The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
        --------------------------
        Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
        --------------------------
        The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
        --------------------------
        Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
        --------------------------

Donuts will be served after mass in the church basement followed by blood pressure checks.

--------------------------------
AND FINALLY-----------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

 



Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #181 on: January 22, 2011, 06:59:35 am »
 
  A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law ! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out
a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #182 on: January 23, 2011, 01:03:38 pm »
 
   A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #183 on: January 24, 2011, 01:42:35 am »
 
  A married man was having an affair
                        With his secretary.

                        One day they went to her place
                        And made love all afternoon.

                        Exhausted, they fell asleep
                        And woke up at 8 PM.

                        The man hurriedly dressed
                        And told his lover to take his shoes
                        Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

                        He put on his shoes and drove home.

                        'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

                        'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

                        'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
                        We had sex all afternoon.'

                        She looked down at his shoes and said:

                        'You lying toe-rag!
                        You've been playing golf!'

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #184 on: January 25, 2011, 03:22:12 pm »
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Morris Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A cheque", replied the guide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At his wife's insistence, Goldberg finally went to his doctor for a check up.

"You look terrible," said the doctor. "Do you drink?"

"Why yes, plenty." said Goldberg. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps."

"And with that cough," the doctor continued, "you probably are a smoker."

"You bet," said Goldberg, "Three packs a day for me."

"Look Mr. Goldberg," the doctor said. "You are not a healthy man. You're going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and thats an order. And before you go, that'll be £50 for my advice."

Goldberg replies, "So who's taking it?"



Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #185 on: January 28, 2011, 08:33:43 am »
 
 

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Stupidity Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach , California   would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9 The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.



Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #186 on: January 29, 2011, 01:02:06 pm »
An observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in
serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue............
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue................. .
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice
of GOD himself :  "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A DAMNED TICKET".

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #187 on: January 29, 2011, 06:42:51 pm »
3rd February is Chinese New Year, so here is a short lesson of how to speak a few Chinese phrases.

That's not right.......................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me asap..........................................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid man.............................................Dum Gai
Small horse............................................Tai Ni Po Ni
It's very dark in here...............................Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow-away zone.........................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight................................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Did you go to the beach?......................Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table..................Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift.....................Chin Tu Fat

I'll be celebrating in a nearby Chinese Restaurant the Year of the Rabbit!

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #188 on: January 31, 2011, 02:16:03 am »

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #189 on: January 31, 2011, 03:56:10 pm »
Mary asked Paddy if he was stranded on a desert island with one person in the world who would it be?
"My uncle Mick" replies Paddy without a moments hesitation.
"Realy? Whats so special about him?" asks Mary.
Paddy says, " He's got a boat."
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Trojan

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Re: Useful Links
« Reply #190 on: February 04, 2011, 01:41:41 am »
I think it has to be broader.  Not much crime in Llandudno, but I did see a big marker above Fester

 :)

Obviously a bad lad that Fester.

........ but not as evil as the EVIL E-THUG on Oscar!


I believe he's back as plain E Thug now Fester. Must have been to church or something.

Be careful he doesn't set his Dad on you though, I heard he frequents Wetherspoons on occasion.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #191 on: February 04, 2011, 05:56:01 pm »
Ventriloquist without a Dummy
Sound on and click on the link below.




http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/paul-zerdin-ventriloquist-without-dummy-p1.php
« Last Edit: February 04, 2011, 05:59:31 pm by Hugo »

Offline barney

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #192 on: February 04, 2011, 09:19:33 pm »
    There was a knock on the door this morning

    I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

    "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

    I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to talk about"?

    He said, " buggered if I know I've never got this far before"


Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #193 on: February 04, 2011, 10:05:24 pm »
I hear that NASA have sent two monkeys and a woman to the International Space Station, each with a crucial mission.

The first monkey has been set the task of recalibrating the trajectory of the station using a series of commands and pre-set equations,

The 2nd monkey is conducting some experiments in weightlessness, nutrition and calorific consumption in space.

The woman has been given 2 crucial instructions...... feed the monkeys,  and TOUCH NOTHING.

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

brumbob

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #194 on: February 05, 2011, 12:48:12 pm »
The latest safety headgear as worn in the recent Cairo demonstations