Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 123704 times)

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Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #570 on: September 12, 2021, 11:50:33 am »
 ;)

Online Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #571 on: September 13, 2021, 10:04:43 am »
Took me a while...
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #572 on: September 13, 2021, 10:40:41 am »
 ;)

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #573 on: September 17, 2021, 10:21:31 am »
Subject: Not proofreading their headlines
As good of a job proofreading their headlines as they do checking their facts.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? You think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think !

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts
Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?


Offline DVT

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #574 on: September 17, 2021, 07:25:22 pm »
I was quite concerned a few years ago when I saw a newspaper heading that read "DVT kills passenger on plane".

It wasn't me, honest!

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #575 on: September 20, 2021, 10:45:20 am »
After 20 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
The wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp and shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #576 on: September 20, 2021, 02:58:09 pm »
Two patients limp into
      two different medical clinics with the same
      complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the  following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for
      the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden
      Retriever.

The
      SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

It's quite ironic that I've had my letter today from Rhoslan Surgery informing me that the practice is closing soon and it's certainly not due to the lack of patients.          &shake&


Three Towns Forum - Talk about Llandudno, Colwyn Bay & Conwy

Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #576 on: September 20, 2021, 02:58:09 pm »


Offline mull

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #577 on: September 21, 2021, 11:01:34 am »
Thought the Rhosllan was the only public house at West Shore  ?

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #578 on: September 27, 2021, 10:11:23 am »
Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill,
and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.


Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.



The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


Summing up "Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason."



Online Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #579 on: September 28, 2021, 12:14:01 pm »
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“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Online Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #580 on: September 28, 2021, 12:14:24 pm »
You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #581 on: October 12, 2021, 10:09:41 pm »
'Words of Wisdom' from famous people in our lives,
well, some of us!!!.......


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,

You should have remained a virgin...'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.     But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -

 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,

you'll become happy;

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante