Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 104817 times)

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SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #540 on: February 13, 2021, 10:32:00 AM »
Wife: So,
what did you do today -
??

Husband: "
I changed a light bulb "

Wife:
That's all?, I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, cooked three meals, and more, and you changed a light bulb?


Husband: Yeah,
but I filmed it.


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Cordyline

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #541 on: February 13, 2021, 10:46:09 PM »
The Covid-19 Vaccine from India will be coming in 3 strengths

Mild -- Hot -- Vindaloo

SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #542 on: February 23, 2021, 10:07:27 AM »
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED  !!!!!!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

____________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
____________

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
___________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
____________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
__________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
____________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
__________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #543 on: Today at 04:39:30 PM »
TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so

did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again