Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 83000 times)

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Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #465 on: April 27, 2018, 04:49:06 PM »
This was posted - briefly - on the McDonnell-Douglas website before being removed by admins. It's long but quite amusing.


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

 

 1.

[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Prince

[_] Classified

[_] Other

 

First Name:......................................................

Initial: ........

Last Name......................................................

Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)

Code Name: .......................................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

 

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

 

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

 

4. Serial Number:...............................................

 

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

 

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

 

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq

 

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Arab Prince

[_] Primitive / Tribal

 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal cheque

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveller's cheque

 

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Terrorist

[_] Arab Prince

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defence Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

 

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilisation / overthrow

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

 

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings & special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups & mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder

Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

 

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,

Marketing Department Military,

Aerospace Division.

 

IMPORTANT:

-------------------

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above & may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use & may be ignored.

 

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt round yourself & your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you & your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg & egg whites, whisk & place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #466 on: June 02, 2018, 10:36:00 AM »
A group of friends found an old Ouija board

"I don't know, guys, this stuff is really dark."

"Oh come on! What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead, give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys..."

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-U

"Guys..!!"

"Keep going!"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

SteveH

  • Newshound
  • *****
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #467 on: August 20, 2018, 05:03:36 PM »
Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe.
The joke came from his show Undeniable.

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired,....... you still have to come in the next day."

Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #468 on: December 30, 2018, 06:32:06 PM »
Ever wondered what all those warning lights in the car dashboard mean?


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“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Blongb

  • Ad Free Member
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  • I love living in Llandudno
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #469 on: December 31, 2018, 04:34:29 PM »
It's all Dutch to me Ian.  :-\  A warning came up on my Honda CV-R which I had no idea about, so out came the 350 page user manual. No matter how hard I checked it just wasn't listed. Straight round to North Wales Honda who after a long search told me the battery in my key fob was going flat. They even replaced it and the spare for free, which I thought was very nice of them. ;D
-- Now I can only sit and stare--

SteveH

  • Newshound
  • *****
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #470 on: March 26, 2019, 09:49:13 AM »
An old American political joke raised it's head this morning, during a conversation that made me laugh.

An old rancher is talking about a politician, with a young man from the city. He compares the politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself.     He doesn't belong there;      you wonder who put him there;    he can't get anything done while he's up there;     and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."

Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #471 on: May 25, 2019, 11:03:24 PM »

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,  using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests. "And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a bloody Brick wall!"



Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #472 on: May 26, 2019, 09:23:02 AM »
 $lol$
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Fester

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  • El Baldito
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #473 on: May 26, 2019, 03:46:03 PM »
Brilliant! 
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Cordyline

  • Member
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #474 on: June 01, 2019, 10:56:45 PM »
My wife asked me why I spoke so softly around the house

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed
I laughed
Alexa laughed
Siri Laughed

snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #475 on: August 07, 2019, 09:54:18 PM »
Gotta Luv Old People
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandma's!
 
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:
1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed ... and then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it."  He got an A+.
 
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit .
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
 
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
 
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS BY 11:30 AM TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #476 on: August 28, 2019, 10:22:05 PM »
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin  Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None who plays very well,” the Cardinal replied, “but there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as our personal representative. in addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

 Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
 
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness.” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.” said the Pope.

 “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the  best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”
 

Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #477 on: August 29, 2019, 09:21:32 AM »
 _))* _))* _))* _))*
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #478 on: October 06, 2019, 02:56:04 PM »
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“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.