Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 205572 times)

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Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #60 on: October 14, 2010, 07:40:24 am »
 _))*

The mother-in-law told me she wants to dance on my grave.  I said I'm getting buried at sea.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #61 on: October 15, 2010, 05:59:59 pm »
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time, they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE ... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
" I can do so much better. "
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley


Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #62 on: October 16, 2010, 12:01:01 am »
Some very sexist jokes there, Pendragon?.....  as a man (and a very handsome, virile one at that), I may spend the rest of the evening cross legged on the floor crying into the mirror.

Prepare to be ''MODERATED'' ........ resistance is futile.   



Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #63 on: October 16, 2010, 03:26:52 pm »
 ;D This for you Fester

Courses Women Should be REQUIRED to take

    * Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
    * The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
    * Parties: Going Without New Outfits
    * Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
    * Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
    * Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
    * Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
    * Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
    * Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
    * Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
    * Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
    * Introduction to Parking
    * Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
    * Water Retention: Fact or Fat
    * Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
    * Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
    * Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
    * Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
    * PMS: Your Problem... Not His
    * Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
    * Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
    * Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
    * Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
    * Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
    * TV Remotes: For Men Only
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #64 on: October 16, 2010, 04:10:19 pm »
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.    He could never find the item the customer wanted.  Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.   Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.  Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.    Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.  The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost.  Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.   "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.    "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.   "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.   "Look at him.  He's afraid to cough."    _))*  _))*

Yorkie

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Re: Roads in the area
« Reply #65 on: October 17, 2010, 04:25:39 pm »
There is a large hole in the middle of Mostyn Street and two men from the Council are looking into it!    :D

Offline JasonW

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Re: Roads in the area
« Reply #66 on: October 17, 2010, 07:24:31 pm »
I also had to go and have a look, I didn't want to go but I was pushed into it.  :laugh:

Offline Trojan

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Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
« Reply #67 on: October 18, 2010, 07:15:12 am »
£6.4 million, 30 jobs, a tea room,shop,beekeeping etc. is someone taking the P.  ???

Sounds like it's going to be a hive of activity......Especially the National bee-keeping centre of Wales.

Yorkie

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Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
« Reply #68 on: October 18, 2010, 07:59:58 am »
Should get a good BUZZ about the place!

Offline Trojan

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Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
« Reply #69 on: October 18, 2010, 08:12:36 am »
I heard Sting may be opening the facility.

Offline DaveR

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Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
« Reply #70 on: October 18, 2010, 08:49:14 am »
I heard Sting may be opening the facility.
I had to think about that one!  :laugh:

Offline Trojan

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Re: New £6.4m North Wales centre for Welsh food at Bodnant
« Reply #71 on: October 18, 2010, 09:11:25 am »
I heard Sting may be opening the facility.
I had to think about that one!  :laugh:

I may take my Honey Poo, next time I'm over.  {}{}

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #72 on: October 18, 2010, 02:57:22 pm »
Whats the last thing a fly sees when it hits your windscreen ..............................its ASS  _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Trojan

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #73 on: October 18, 2010, 08:34:30 pm »
Whats the last thing a fly sees when it hits your windscreen ..............................its ASS  _))*

Couldn't you have made it a bee?  >:(

Offline TheMedz

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #74 on: October 18, 2010, 08:52:44 pm »
I've just had a text telling me that on the John Lennon statue at Liverpool airport under the words "above us only sky" someone has written "and below us only West Ham"