Clean Jokes

[Blongb]

I agree with your Temple post but would just like to add some advice I got from my Father, an ex R.S.M. Royal Marine Commando, who said to me, son your body is a Temple, remember you never run in a Temple. 

[SteveH]

 

[Cordyline]

Bernie Madoff just died.

You can be a pallbearer at his funeral,
but only if you can recruit another 6 pallbearers,
who in turn recruit 6 more each.

RIP Bernie

[SteveH]

 

[SteveH]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
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She answered
'THE TEETH'. ”😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👍

[SteveH]

 

[Cordyline]

I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago" I assured her.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a glass of white wine, please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out"

[SteveH]

 

[SteveH]

Gordon Ramsay's Daughter Tilly Play Hilarious TikTok Prank on Him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSxb7QkZ9EU

[SteveH]

 

[SteveH]

Longevity!

 1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.

5. James Fuller Fixx credited with helping start America's fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88

7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston  died at the age of 102

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake

9. And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.


How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life
.

[SteveH]

 

[DVT]

... and potatoes, carrots, peas and beans did not come from the supermarket in a plastic wrapping - they came from Dad's allotment.

[SteveH]

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

[DownUnder]

The joys of grandchildren helping you to cope with old age. My granddaughters suggested that I colour my hair pink so that they don't have the problem of drawing white hair on white paper. I suggested that they wait a few years and my pink scalp would replace my white hair. Apparently dying my hair pink is the preferred solution.