Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 215352 times)

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Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #495 on: June 21, 2020, 10:37:01 am »
That's dreadful, Steve  _))* _))* _))*

Sorry Ian, simple things seem amusing these days............. :-[   ;)

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #496 on: June 21, 2020, 12:08:56 pm »
 $drink$
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.


Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #497 on: July 19, 2020, 10:37:03 am »
With the prospect of Holidays becoming available in the near future I thought that I would post this.   It's not a joke but it's funny what some people say and do

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:


1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US

BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID


Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #498 on: July 19, 2020, 11:58:19 am »
They're good. Some are very old;  No.s 2 and 19 date back to the 1980s but I can imagine some people saying these sorts of things even now.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #499 on: July 29, 2020, 11:49:15 pm »
    BRING BACK MEMORIES?

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously..where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6am and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home...but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers - my brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. He had to get up at 6am every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut, at least, they did in films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 rpm records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulbs
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along, especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did.

(P.S. I used a larger type face so you could read it easily
this i copied

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #500 on: August 24, 2020, 11:00:33 am »
I thought of Ian when I saw these............   ;)


Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #501 on: August 25, 2020, 10:28:01 am »
A couple more.....


Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #502 on: August 28, 2020, 02:29:57 pm »
So true

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #503 on: September 02, 2020, 12:35:50 pm »
No wonder motorists get confused        :o

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #504 on: September 02, 2020, 04:15:16 pm »
Anyone feeling hungry?

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #505 on: September 03, 2020, 12:29:43 pm »
The steps and railings look well made, it's just a pity   .........

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #506 on: September 04, 2020, 01:12:26 pm »
I'm really glad that I'm not working in this place

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #507 on: October 08, 2020, 01:15:32 pm »

True story...............

Offline Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #508 on: November 05, 2020, 03:36:35 pm »
" Are you Irish?"

Offline SteveH

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #509 on: November 21, 2020, 01:04:36 pm »
Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.....
 
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously

demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you
finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." 

"Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it." 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”   

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, 
“I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you
showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.  He chuckled quietly, then said
with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"
 
One of my  favorite stories ...........
 
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