Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 78478 times)

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  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #465 on: April 27, 2018, 04:49:06 PM »
This was posted - briefly - on the McDonnell-Douglas website before being removed by admins. It's long but quite amusing.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.



[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Prince

[_] Classified

[_] Other


First Name:......................................................

Initial: ........

Last Name......................................................

Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)

Code Name: .......................................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........


2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified


3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......


4. Serial Number:...............................................


5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified


6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one


7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat


8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq


9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon


10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Arab Prince

[_] Primitive / Tribal


11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal cheque

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveller's cheque


12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Terrorist

[_] Arab Prince

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defence Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student


13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilisation / overthrow

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings & special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups & mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder


Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:



Marketing Department Military,

Aerospace Division.




This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above & may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use & may be ignored.


No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt round yourself & your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you & your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg & egg whites, whisk & place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.


  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #466 on: June 02, 2018, 10:36:00 AM »
A group of friends found an old Ouija board

"I don't know, guys, this stuff is really dark."

"Oh come on! What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead, give us your message!"



"Shut up"



"Keep going!"

“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.


  • Newshound
  • *****
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #467 on: August 20, 2018, 05:03:36 PM »
Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe.
The joke came from his show Undeniable.

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired,....... you still have to come in the next day."


  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #468 on: December 30, 2018, 06:32:06 PM »
Ever wondered what all those warning lights in the car dashboard mean?

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“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.


  • Ad Free Member
  • *
  • I love living in Llandudno
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #469 on: December 31, 2018, 04:34:29 PM »
It's all Dutch to me Ian.  :-\  A warning came up on my Honda CV-R which I had no idea about, so out came the 350 page user manual. No matter how hard I checked it just wasn't listed. Straight round to North Wales Honda who after a long search told me the battery in my key fob was going flat. They even replaced it and the spare for free, which I thought was very nice of them. ;D
-- Now I can only sit and stare--


  • Newshound
  • *****
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #470 on: March 26, 2019, 09:49:13 AM »
An old American political joke raised it's head this morning, during a conversation that made me laugh.

An old rancher is talking about a politician, with a young man from the city. He compares the politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself.     He doesn't belong there;      you wonder who put him there;    he can't get anything done while he's up there;     and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."