Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 205319 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Ian

  • Administrator
  • Posts: 8949
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #435 on: October 08, 2015, 07:17:29 am »
Hmmm...
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline snowcap

  • Ad Free Member
  • *
  • Posts: 822
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #436 on: December 11, 2015, 08:54:40 pm »
as one old fart i agree with all the following,                                                                         I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts"   but this makes me feel better about it.
And if you aren't one, I'll bet you know one!
I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!
OLD FART PRIDE
It's not a bad thing to be called an Old Fart.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the National Anthem, Old Farts remove their hats and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Normandy, Spitfires and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Bomb, Vietnam, the Korean War, the Cold War, the Moon Landing and all the Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005.
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are polite, particularly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone swears in front of women and children and they don't like any filthy language on TV.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag except about their children and grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the Air Force, Army, and Navy.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank Goodness for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.


Offline Blongb

  • Management board member
  • *
  • Posts: 1077
  • I love living in Llandudno.
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #437 on: December 19, 2015, 04:27:17 pm »
BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with so called Islamic State have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when so called Islamic State announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to it's members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, so called Islamic State chief executive in the U.K.,Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but so called Islamic State is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the former emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Offline snowcap

  • Ad Free Member
  • *
  • Posts: 822
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #438 on: January 27, 2016, 09:54:57 pm »
Subject: The Irish divorce.
 
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law , Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife , Mary, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Mary would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law  comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you  there must be a simple explanation ..... ... She never got your e-mail!"

Offline Blongb

  • Management board member
  • *
  • Posts: 1077
  • I love living in Llandudno.
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #439 on: February 04, 2016, 03:13:32 pm »
Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.    She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Offline Ian

  • Administrator
  • Posts: 8949
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #440 on: February 05, 2016, 08:13:47 am »
Very good!

 _))* _))* _))* _))*
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Blongb

  • Management board member
  • *
  • Posts: 1077
  • I love living in Llandudno.
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #441 on: March 24, 2016, 10:22:02 pm »
Farmer Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
 
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you think you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!
Quot homines tot sententiae: suus cuique mos.
(There are as many opinions as there are people: each has his own view.)

Offline Fester

  • Ad Free Member.
  • *
  • Posts: 6660
  • El Baldito
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #442 on: April 07, 2016, 01:03:13 am »
It was so cold at the weekend that I ordered a taxi in Chester and ended up in Chichester... 😄
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Hugo

  • Management board member
  • *
  • Posts: 13884
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #443 on: April 19, 2016, 02:26:41 pm »
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.  They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"     
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I can’t put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft ba****d it's me!"


Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!"
 

 



 



 

 

Offline Merddin Emrys

  • Ad Free Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4426
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #444 on: April 19, 2016, 08:38:32 pm »
 L0L  :laugh:
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Offline Ian

  • Administrator
  • Posts: 8949
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #445 on: April 20, 2016, 07:17:25 am »
 _))* _))* _))* to both :-))
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Hugo

  • Management board member
  • *
  • Posts: 13884
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #446 on: June 23, 2016, 10:25:16 am »
A friend of mine has tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but he's getting married on that day and cannot attend.


If anyone wants to go instead of him,  it's at St Andrews Church Brighton and the bride's name is Sarah

Offline hollins

  • Management board member
  • *
  • Posts: 3411
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #447 on: June 27, 2016, 04:02:42 pm »
Clean'ish, the latest addition to my collection!

Offline SteveH

  • Management Board Member & Newsgroup Editor
  • *
  • Posts: 12989
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #448 on: July 14, 2016, 12:32:23 pm »
Yes this is the correct thread.....................

'Maybe the Brits are just having us on':          The world reacts to Boris Johnson as foreign minister.   _))*

Comment....
"BOJO Foreign Secretary? Oh, FFS. Just when you think it can't get any worse. How many countries can we offend by Saturday? "

I thought better of the new PM

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/jul/14/maybe-the-brits-are-just-having-us-on-the-world-reacts-to-boris-johnson-as-foreign-minister



Offline snowcap

  • Ad Free Member
  • *
  • Posts: 822
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #449 on: December 02, 2016, 04:14:39 pm »
"Education" - Why teachers continue to drink heavily!
 
The following questions were in last year's GED examination (These are genuine answers):
 
Q.. What is a turbine?
A... Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.   (I love this one!)
 
Q.. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
Q.. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
 
Q.. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
 
Q.. What are steroids?
A.. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
      (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
Q.. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his  adultery.   (So true)
 
Q.. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death.
 
Q.. What is artificial insemination?
 
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
 
Q.. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow.      (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q.. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized. (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the  abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U   (WT?)
 
Q.. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
 
Q.. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
 
Q.. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
  (That would work)
 
Q.. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
 
Q.. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.   (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 
Q.. What is a terminal illness?
A.. When you are sick at the airport.   (Irrefutable)
 
Q.. What does the word  'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
 
Q.. Name the four seasons.
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.